She’s coming home!!

So after labour and after Mark’s story of events, (which by the way, we realised we left off the fact she had the cord wrapped around her neck!) all I remember is waking up sitting in a wheelchair on a drip in the delivery suite. Next thing I knew is my mum, her husband, my nana, grandad and everyone trying to ring me! I had no idea what had just happened, I just saw Mark holding Brooke and me feeling mongy haha!! Then literally I don’t remember a lot, I just remember being put on the ward and had family visiting then I could feel the epidural wearing off and I was just in absolute agony. It was just the worst pain I’d ever been in in my life. I had to get up for a wee which I was dreading but it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be! It was where I had torn near my bum that was excruciating. I felt really lethargic and absolutely shit but having hold of Brooke just massively helped!! I don’t know- just everytime I’ve got hold of her, I don’t care about the pain! Not going to lie though, aftercare of the birth, is crap. I had no one check on me, no pain relief given for about 6 hours, no food as I’d missed meal time on the ward so I just got given a crappy sandwich and a yoghurt with no spoon! 😂😂 Eventually when a midwife did come to see me, I lost my shit and I told her how pissed off I was as I thought I was being allowed home, (we were told that before taking us to that ward) yet no one had been in to monitor me or the baby and I’d been begging for pain relief- my mum even grabbed a doctor and I cried to him but I  still hadn’t been given any. I did apologise to her and said it wasn’t her fault but come on! Turns out she was the main midwife in charge so flipping out at her did work as she went off and got a trainee to sit with me who went through the entire menu for me to order what I wanted to eat the whole time I was there,  whilst she went to bollock a few people and came back to do all the tests on me and Brooke! She was really lovely and made sure we were fine and she gave me some morphine but sadly explained I wasn’t going home until Tuesday because of my blood loss- they wanted to keep me monitored closely. I was gutted. I just wanted to be in my own bed.

Before I knew it, it was approaching 10pm which is when Mark had to leave! I’ve never wanted him so much in all my life! Just found it extremely daunting being left on my own with Brooke- not because I’m scared of being on my own with a baby- but because I was on so many tablets at this point, I’d felt wired. I hadn’t slept since Saturday night due to me obviously being in hospital all of Sunday then going into labour so I was exhausted…I was scared I wouldn’t be able to care for Brooke to the best of my ability! He didn’t want to leave either but what can you do! We had a little emotional goodbye and I got him to pass Brooke to me so I could hold her. I started to feel tired around midnight so I gave her a bottle and then placed her in the cot next to me. The thing I did like about that was the cot was see through so we could look at each other. It also wasn’t too deep so it meant I could hold her hand. We were both knackered but all the other babies were screaming and my bastard bed was right next to the bin so all night we were getting disturbed by people binning shit, (which was making her jump lol) but then we’d have a chill and a baby would go off which would then set the others off!! She didn’t cry once. Even when she was given a vitamin k injection after delivery, she didn’t flinch! Hard as nails my baby lol! Anyway….we were both wide awake but we must of dozed off and had about 20 minutes sleep when I heard what sounded like her choking! I opened my eyes and just saw her arms and legs waving frantically and her gagging! I fucking shit myself! I was straight out of my bed and grabbed her out of the cot and started to wind her and she just projectile vomited everywhere non stop- it was coming out of her nose and everything! I took her out in the corridor and asked a midwife if she was ok and she said she was fine- it was just mucus- apparently forcep delivered babies and c section babies have it worse, something to do with the shortness of coming through the birth canal, I said I was terrified incase she choked on it and she said it wouldn’t happen so to put her back down and try and rest….I felt really uneasy about it but thought, ok! Went back to my bed and went to put her in the cot when immediately she did it again! I thought fuck this- I can’t leave her in a cot when she’s doing that!!! I know I was probably just being silly but no one told me about the mucus and honestly, I’m not a jumpy person normally but that, hands down, is the scariest thing I’d ever witnessed. I was in tears, I was texting Mark at 03:40am saying how tired I was and how much it was just the worst night of my life. He was messaging me back which was calming me down and making me feel better which gave me a kick up the arse to get through the night as best as I could. I gave Brooke a bottle and winded her, then I needed a wee so I just buzzed for someone as there was no way I could leave her- even if it was for a second!! The midwife came in and laughed at me for staying awake and said I could have left her alone to go for a wee so I just told her to stay with her as I didn’t give a shit about whether I’m a fruit loop or not, that was what I wanted so she waited for me- I went as fast as I could. Funny as when I got back to my bed, the midwife looked concerned and said about Brooke having bad trapped wind and then mucus started to come out! She offered to take her for a bit so I could rest which I thought was nice but I didn’t want her out of my sight! She came back about 5am to see how we were and was laughing at how well I’d done to stay awake! Pissed me off though as I heard other women tutting at their babies crying and one just snored all the way through their baby crying!! I couldn’t understand how anyone could do that! One even buzzed the midwife at 6am and said, ‘Why it cry all night?!’ IT!!! How could you call your own newborn an IT!! Here’s me sat up all night because I was terrified mine would choke! So I only had 35 minutes sleep in 3 days…

Anyway, Brooke got her payback as she did her first poo and she screamed the ward down hahaha! Karma!! First time she’s ever cried too!! Soon enough, Mark was back first thing and he felt so sorry for us both as we were both knackered. I ended up gabbing to the girl next to me who I didn’t know, had also sat up all night too! We could have joined forces lol! So when Mark got to me, he was trying to make me go down to sleep but all the lights were back on and babies were crying then people were coming round to do checks- then at 11am, they said the doctors were coming round and we’d definitely be going home!!! I was so giddy! My mum came and dropped some more milk off for us and I had some lunch then I did manage to have 30 mins sleep!!! I went for a shower and started to pack my stuff and then a doctor came round- he said I was fine to go so they just had the newborn checks on baby to do and then if she was ok, we could go!! Music to my ears haha!! I got Brooke dressed ready to go home in her amazing Baker baby outfit which buried her,  and the Bounty photographer was meant to come round- left us out though!! That pissed me off lol but I wasn’t overly arsed because I’ve got her booked in for a couple of newborn shoots!! I’ve also got her booked in for a hand and foot casting…Anyway I’m waffling now! We managed to get seen at 18:00pm for her newborn check and I’m not going to lie, when they were pushing on her, especially near her bits, she was really crying and I had to fight back from crying myself!! I also felt like punching the nurse pushing on her lol! Seriously though, her crying like that broke my fucking heart. We got given the all clear and the midwife went and sorted her little red book out and we were good to go! They got me a wheelchair so we got Brooke in her car seat and put it on top of my lap whilst mark was pushing me to the car- no way I could walk that far! Once in the car, it felt weird leaving the hospital as we’d been there so many times for appointments! On the journey home, Mark was driving so carefully which is not like him 😂😂 however, every lump and bump on the road was pure torture on my bits haha but every second was getting us closer to home…..

I was a wreck when we got in. I think it was a mixture of all the drugs I was on, the fact I’d not slept properly in 3 days but also: the realisation it was all over!! The moment I’ve been hoping for and anticipating for 38+ weeks! Mark told me to go to bed whilst he sorted Brooke out and made me some tea. He came up with me to make sure I was ok and gave me a kiss on the head and as he walked out the room, I broke my heart!! I didn’t want to be on my own and I hadn’t been parted from Brooke! I did end up drifting off for an hour then woke up hallucinating so I was screaming Mark but realised what I saw, wasn’t even there by the time he came in! He calmed me down and brought me downstairs, passed me my tea and we both ended up having a cry because it is the realisation I’ve done it!!! The thing I feared most in life- child birth and after such a shit, hard time during pregnancy, she’s here- absolutely perfect! We’re soooooo happy it’s not insane!

My Labour…


So as your all aware…I was DYING to have my baby!!! I was so set for any day but trust my waters to have broken on a day where I had lots to do!! Firstly, Diego (the cat) had come back in from outside with a flipping ear infection so I’d made him a vet appointment, secondly, I’d ordered a food shop online to be delivered between 12/1pm and thirdly, Mark had ten ton of shit in his car that needed to go to the tip…But of course, it’s me and this would never run smoothly…..

I woke up Saturday at 3:40am feeling a bit sick due to acid reflux, as usual, and I needed a wee so I popped two rennies and went to the toilet. Dora my little cat was sleeping in the bathroom but she followed me back to bed and came and sat on my head, (she has some odd tricks lol) and was being very cuddly with me! Mark must of woke a little as he turned over and started tickling my back but I was just lay there wide awake! I tried my best to go back off but it wasn’t happening. I gave in in the end and it was 4:15am so I just got my phone and started having a browse and played some games when about 5am on the dot came and water started leaking out! I got up really quick and got to the bathroom where it was just trickling out! I went back in the bedroom and woke Mark to tell him so then I had a quick shower and rang Triage where they said to stick a pad on and get in. Wahoo triage twice in one week! 🤪 Anyway, I just said to Mark I’m not rushing so we had a brew and I rang my mum and Dad to let them know my waters had gone and then I said to Mark that we’d better hurry up a bit as it was getting a while after I’d rang them! Anyway…we got there just to wait like an hour so I’m glad we didn’t rush straight in! I got taken up to the delivery suite where a midwife came in and took my urine sample and asked to see my pad and was told that my waters has broke but only partially- but they still treat it as if they have fully broke. I had zero contractions so they said they would send me home until something happens and if not then they would get me back in after 24 hours to induce me. They checked baby’s heartbeat and that was fine and said I could feel her moving as usual. So I was just awaiting to be discharged which took two hours!!!! I could hear some woman screaming the place down giving birth then heard the baby crying…didn’t even scare me!!! Just again made me jealous lol!! Mark was dicking about as usual lol causing mischief and we were taking daft photos having a laugh!

Then literally at 9:00am, my waters went some more and I felt absolutely grim! I felt as though I had pissed myself and had to just sit in it until 10am when we were on our way home, as I didn’t have any spare clothes with me- they were in the car ready but until I knew I was staying then I didn’t see the point in taking them in! By god the smell of the fluid…..🤢 I swear to god I will never forget that smell!!! I was absolutely heaving when I got home to clean myself. I had a shower and washed my hair then went down for a nap. Both my mum and Dad had come over to see if I was ok the three of us were just having a laugh whilst Mark was still napping. 

So basically after a good chill and zero contractions….I had been booked in on Sunday at 11:30am to get the baby monitored as they had no slots to induce me until Monday at 9am unless any slots appeared on Sunday which meant I had to stay in…..Which was what happened, however at 13:50pm, the midwife came to give me the tablet to try and kick start labour but first she monitored baby and checked my cervix and I was already 2cm dilated so they couldn’t induce me anyway! She gave me a sweep to try and move things in a bit which then took me to 3cm. I was then told to go for a walk and get on a coreball to try and hurry things along as best as! Fuck me that sweep hurt though which she said would because my waters had gone! I bled quite a bit but she got me some pads. Anyway they left me with Mark until 10pm when visiting times end with nothing really moving forwards! I felt a bit sad and so did Mark as we didn’t quite know what to expect! We said our goodbyes and literally within 5 minutes a midwife came to tell me they were preparing my delivery suite within the hour!!! I had to phone Mark back up but we were just so ready for it!!!! 

That hour went rapid as two young women came to get me at 00:03am and said, ‘We’re having your baby!’ They said they started their shift at 19:30pm-07:30am and were adamant they could have my baby in this slot which I was more than happy with haha! On the walk down to the room I told them that I was really scared and I feared child birth more than death and stressed to them how much I wanted pain relief- especially after that sweep, I mean come on if that’s going to hurt as much as it did then what’s a babies head going to feel like!!! They said because the hormone drip is going to kick start my contractions pretty much immediately, I could have an epidural straight away but had to keep in mind that it would take 20/30 minutes for the epidural to work but I was fine about that as long as I knew I wouldn’t be in too much pain throughout. So we walked into the room I would be delivering in so it was get naked, gown on, go for a wee in the bedpan so they could check it and it’s all systems go! The Midwife’s asked me if I was hungry which I wasn’t, nerves were just kicking in! We had some doughnuts and they said to have one whilst they finished prepping the room for me as they stated once the drip was on, physically no food until after the baby is here so I just ‘forced’ a doughnut in to give me an energy boost.

So here it comes- The Labour.

lI’d got naked, put on my gown and laid on the bed. In came my two midwives who explained everything that was going to happen and I liked that as obviously it’s one of the biggest things you can go through and trust me, the whole thing absolutely terrified me for years, so having everything thoroughly explained and having that motivational support just eased my mind loads. Firstly it was to have a cannula fitted…the horrible part of that was it had to go in my right hand as it didn’t want to go in my left! I’ve had a cannula before and I’m really not bothered about needles so I wasn’t phased at this bit but it really wasn’t comfortable in my right hand. So just before the midwife connected up the fluids that were going to be passed through the cannula, she asked to have a little check of my cervix to see if anything had progressed since the sweep which it had but I had to be induced because the fact my waters had gone. They can’t leave you past 24-48 hours after they go because your prone to infection and then it’s dangerous for the baby, but that brings me to the next point- the waters in front of her head hadn’t broke so the midwife had to break them with a long but little hook and honestly again it didn’t hurt at all! Took her about 5 minutes to pop them and then they attached the hormone fluids into my cannula to start me in labour! The anaesthetist who was giving me the epidural came in and he was lovely, explained everything to do with what the epidural was, all the side affects and how I could control it myself with a button if I needed more and then made sure I was happy with everything which I was so he went off to go and prepare everything. Minutes later I started getting contractions due to the hormone drip and they were really, really strong but I could cope with them. I just stayed really quiet and breathed through the pain. The midwife came over to me and handed me the gas and air to try which I did, but I didn’t find it helped in anyway at all. Even Mark had a cheeky go when they left the room and agreed it was crap lol! When the midwives came back, the inserted a caffeta as obviously I needed to keep my bladder clear but I wouldn’t be able to get up and use the toilet when I had the epidural. Anyway the contractions started coming every two minutes apart, (apparently-Mark is helping me write this as I only remember parts and especially timing as I felt like the whole thing was only an hour haha! ) and lasted maybe 40/50 seconds. Soon enough, back came the anaesthetist and then I was helped to get into position for the epidural. They put the bed as high as they could and I just had to sit right at the edge and I leant forward ever so slightly. I was actually getting quite nervous for the injection, I think because I couldn’t see what was going on behind me as that’s how they were prepping everything and like I said, I’m really not scared about needles and injections, but the thought of one going into my spine was freaking me out a little lol but I knew it was either that for 2 minutes of my life or cope with hours of painful contractions….I knew which one seemed more appealing lol! So firstly they injected me with a local anaesthetic in my spine which felt horrible, not going to lie! But I then didn’t really feel anything apart from like a cold sensation running through my back, shoulder and arm. Then came the epidural which they put in my spine also but I didn’t feel a thing until they said, ‘You may feel an electric shock sensation’…Oh yes I did! Then after that I was laid back down on the bed and lowered down. I can honestly say I felt great. I was in zero pain, I felt really relaxed and chilled and me and the midwives were none stop chattering on about loads of different things; how me and mark met, the wedding, baby names, Thailand- you name it lol!! Mark fell asleep on a chair at one point but literally only for 5 minutes. He just kept coming over giving me water etc and then he said to me that I could administer myself more epidural (you could do so every 20 minutes, then the machine would not let you go over that) so he said to just push it if I wanted. I did and then I felt all my shoulder go really cold and then all of a sudden, I started to vomit out that pissing doughnut I’d forced myself to eat!! Grim! So I had no concept of pain or time and the midwife said she was going to have a look and see where we were up to at 04:15am and would you believe I was 10cm fully dilated!!!!! Within four hours! I actually couldn’t believe it and I don’t think they did haha! They said we could hopefully try pushing in a couple of hours and that the baby could very well be out whilst they were on shift and were begging me to do so haha!! I was hoping that as they had been with me from the start and I really got along with them so I told them that and said I’d be sad if they finished their shift beforehand and they both said not to worry as they weren’t going anywhere until I had this baby lol! The baby must have been as chilled as I was as her heart rate was very consistent the whole way through and they said that she was extremely happy and calm throughout the whole thing and never seen anything like it! Even the main midwife of the whole unit couldn’t believe it! They said how strong my contractions had been the whole time and it was probably the best thing I had that epidural! So it got to about 06:15am when I was able to start pushing. Then this is where it got really, really difficult. The baby’s foot has lodged into my ribs and it was causing me agony!!! I literally felt like my ribs were going to crack- the epidural wouldn’t of worked for my ribs as it only works waist down but honestly I was pushing and pushing through the pain of it as I just wanted my baby! I didn’t want to hold Marks hand or be touched so I just had everyone cheering me on and Mark was amazing- I only listened to what he was saying to me and in between pushes, he was giving me water. Anyway after about an hour of pushing, which honestly felt like 5 minutes, babies head was right there but not coming out. There was physically nothing more I could have done to get her out due to severe exhaustion, so the midwife went to get a doctor who came in and said they would have to intervene now and use forceps and all I remember saying to them was I didn’t care how they did it, they just needed to get her out. Mark asked me if I wanted my music on and I said yes so he just pressed shuffle and I shit you not, ‘Guns n Roses- Sweet Child O’ Mine’ came on! Next thing I remember then was some tugging sensations and me continuing to push and she was out! Born at 07:36am to Guns n Roses and weighing 6.5 pounds! They passed her to me and I cried my eyes out and couldn’t stop staring at her smiling, crying and she was staring at me extremely content and touched my face with her hands and then I don’t remember anything…. 

So this is what happened as told by Mark: 

Ok, so from the point where baby is born, Jenna’s asked me to describe what was going on….well let me paint the picture, we were both shattered and in awe, not knowing what was going on as it’s the most awe inspiring moment of your life so I was receptive to a lot but apologise if forgot some shit. Jenna lost a lot of blood, more than 1.5 litres, once baby was out, (I stayed by her head, sorry don’t want to see the massacre down there) she was changing colour in front of me slowly going whiter/greyer, I genuinely thought she was dying, however as soon as baby was passed to her, I won’t be able to describe this moment ever! I truly think no words can do, the instant, overwhelming love Jenna had for baby was amazing to see, despite her looking like shit (think the only time will ever say that about her) this moment was truly beautiful. It was like seeing all the love she had for me duplicated, multiplied by an excessively large number and transferred into this tiny cute little princess that we created. So Jenna has a hold of baby, the doctor had to stitch her up as she had torn and needed a cut prior to the delivery. She looked exhausted, the most I have ever seen. Doctor was stitching her up for a good 20 minutes or so and Jenna looked like she was falling asleep, fortunately she was ok and so was baby. You could tell she had been through a war internally, once she was stitched up, we said goodbye to the 2 awesome midwives as they stayed past their shifts for us. The 2 new midwives were nice but entered at the time where everything was going on. They helped move us eventually to post natal ward, (whatever ward it is when you have a baby) however before this Jenna had to stay in a wheel chair on a drip to replace fluids and get her BP back up. I’m sure my version of accounts reads as well as a toddler telling a story, thank god it isn’t hand written (imagine daddy long legs having an orgy and that’s what any hand written note looks like) however I will say this….it’s all worth it, the pains, the frustration and the mental exhaustion is all worth it, I know I didn’t have her growing inside of me but seeing how happy Jenna is now everytime she holds our daughter is the most lovely thing to witness. Our daughter is perfect, we are biased of course, but she’s so easy going and is making Jenna’s recovery a lot easier.

One happy proud fiancé and dad! Can’t wait to be married now!’ 😍


So here is our little princess; Brooke Lewis. 100% worth those 38+3 days of pure hell. Yes I have a long recovery but honestly everytime I hold her, she’s instant pain relief. I still do this day will never do it all again but I’m so glad I did it as it’s the best thing that’s ever, ever happened to me. Also don’t worry- I will be continuing this blog talking about my recovery and updates on Brooke. Thank you all for the support and messages! 💕💕

So close yet so far….

26835CD2-EEF0-4477-A20B-9DF2DD15DF77.jpegWhat a piggin’ start to this week! I had a midwife appointment on Tuesday, haven’t seen her in a while and first thing she said was that I was her only one to see today as one had gone into labour this morning and the other has just delivered! I joked and said ‘Let’s make it a hat trick then! Hopefully me soon!’ So then we were having a good natter about the wedding as my Midwife’s daughter is getting married soon also- chin wagging away whilst she did my blood pressure, urine sample and growth check, (baby is engaged too) which were all absolutely fine and then she went to listen to baby’s heartbeat when it was between 166-180bpm!! It’s only meant to be between 110-160bpm so she said she’d have to send me into hospital for a proper monitor! I asked her what was going to happen worst case scenario and she said they would probably either induce me or potential c section….Then she’s asking me if I’m 100% sure my waters haven’t gone so of course I’m starting to panic! My face went bright red because I’m hot and anxious! She’s on the phone to Triage whilst I’m texting Mark at home who was minding the 3 kids we had in, telling him to ring all the parents ASAP as we had to go to hospital so this is what the messages looked like…. 😂😂😂


I raced (as fast as my prego body will get me lol) my way back home, on phone to my mum one hand, inhaler in the other as I couldn’t get my breath! Trying to tell her what’s going on then thought I had to let my dad know as his friend was dropping something off at mine….to get home to a panicky Mark who’s bombarding me with every question you can think of so I’m telling him everything, all parents were on route, he’s running round grabbing all my bags and putting them in the car…😂😂😂 Luckily I suppose I am well organised! We managed to get to the hospital 40 minutes later where we just had to wait a bit for a bed and then I was straight in and all monitored up! I then spent 40 minutes on the monitor watching her heartbeat go from 110 up to 180bpm in seconds and why?! Because she’s so pissing active!!!! Apparently all completely normal! When she’s all nice and calm her heart is 136bpm but yes, she likes to practice her martial arts haha!! Even the midwives were saying they couldn’t believe how active she is and that she’s going to be an Olympic gold medalist! 😂😂😂 Oh and they all felt incredibly sorry for me and said how hard it must be! Anyway, they were happy enough for us to go home so then it was letting everybody know that the baby was just having a rave. 🙄 So typical of my child, wouldn’t it be!! Anyway a Burger King and a nap made me feel better- until later on I had some spaghetti and a magnum and threw the entire contents up in the bathroom sink. 😩 That’s been the WORST sickness so far! I had to send Mark to the shop to get me a Fanta as I literally couldn’t drink anything else! Oh and to top it off- I have what is the world’s largest haemorrhoid EVER sticking out!! I wouldn’t even mind but I’ve not even been to the toilet!!!! My arsehole is literally on fucking fire and I’m struggling to even sit down!!! I’ve been using coconut oil and Epsom salts in warm baths and wiping my arse with witch hazel wipes and I had to try and shove the fucking thing back in!!! But no, it’s just been coming straight back out!! Honestly I can’t tell you how fucking painful it is!!! I’ve been struggling that much with it that I’ve had to even try metanium on it! I don’t care how big it is as long as it’s not hurting!!! I’m sure otherwise this is going to make child birth a whole lot more fun! 🙌🏼🙌🏼 Oh but just a word of wisdom to any fellow sufferers of these bastard things…..METANIUM!!! It’s 100% helped the pain!

Oh and to top it off, I can’t sleep due to my arse hurting or being sick and neighbours were screaming, ‘Fucking move it’ at 5am this morning?!?! Honestly no consideration for anyone this fucking road!!! Luckily all my loud ones will be pissing off soon as one household fuck off in their caravan wherever for the 6 weeks half term and the neighbour next door obviously passed a few weeks ago and the family have now emptied it out so that’s good! I’ve had a disaster time with parcels: I ordered us new bedding, (I have a weird thing for bedding?) which delayed my order and then got an email to say it had sold out. 🙄 Then I bought a dress like 7 weeks ago on Depop and the bitch proper stringed me along with the whole, ‘I’ve posted it’, bullshit. She hadn’t so of course you ask for a refund and you get ignored so I’ve had to open a case on PayPal….Oh and I asked my dad if he could get me a new microwave as ours has broke and I’ve bought baby a microwave steriliser so obviously, I need one ASAP! He’d ordered it on Sunday last week and they still hadn’t dispatched it by Thursday so he had to cancel it and I had to order one with Amazon so luckily it came yesterday……Honestly!! Looking forward to cracking open that vodka let me tell you!!!! Bottle for her, bottle for me! 😂😂 

So yes I’m hot, swollen, sick, haemorrhoided up to my eyeballs and in pain oh, and I’m carrying an Olympic demon who is fighting to come through my stomach instead of my cervix!! Send help! 

Give me a break!

5E237BD0-7BB6-487F-AD8B-D5BB197E8727 I’m laying it out there this blog post- and I don’t give two shits. I’ve done nothing but try and be a decent human being. I’ve never hurt anyone’s feelings, I’ve always put others before myself, I work hard, I’m not nasty nor vindictive…..yet I cannot actually believe how many people have shit on me- not just in general, but in this 37 weeks alone!!!! Is it not enough that I’ve felt like shit everyday this entire time without being taken on by literally everyone and everything!!!! Enough is enough now- I’m literally at breaking point!! I don’t care if I’m about to sound ‘unprofessional’ right now either, I couldn’t give a fuck….. I  spent years not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. I was bullied all the way through school, I left with barely any qualifications and I started college with no motivation to do anything because I just didn’t know what to do with my life! I did beauty, hated it. Tried hairdressing, hated it. Went for jobs instead and even though I did them, I hated them. I got into working with children and I love it because no day is the same and your always busy- plus it’s very fun and rewarding! I’m really good at my job too, I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about that- example, after 3 months at my first nursery, I was made Deputy Manager. Your going to ruffle feathers and everyone works differently. I’m not Mary Poppins believe me!!! But I pretty much ran that nursery on my own. Let me tell you, working with children- it’s one difficult job! It’s extremely stressful at times, it’s extremely exhausting and you put yourself at risk every single day. There’s a lot of liability behind it. I worked my arse off to be qualified and knew one day I wanted to do it for myself so I took that plunge 2 years ago. Business was absolutely booming, Marks job was going to pot so he jumped on board with me and we both absolutely love it…. however since being pregnant, I’ve lost quite a bit of business, 2 of which have left me this week which really upsets me. We have only taken days off for our scans/appointments together which have only been about 3/4 days I think, we had a week booked off in June which was a holiday, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post and I had 2 days off when I was in Triage poorly. So let’s say I’ve had 10 days off- most with 4 weeks notice in 7 months… I know I can’t tell people an exact date she’s coming and I totally understand that people have to arrange alternative arrangements but it’s the way again to which everything has been handled by other people! Let me tell you, being self-employed is great in a lot of ways, but it’s also absolutely shit. Some people think because you work with children, you’re thick as shit and all you get to do all day is ‘play’ which yes, we do have a lot of fun but actually, I have to run a business as well!! I  do mountains of paperwork: accounts, risk assessments, development checks etc as well as care for children of all ages, cook, clean, give advice to people etc. It’s hard work!! Everyone who comes in says, ‘I couldn’t do your job’….not a lot of people could, let me tell you! It just really upsets and deflates me that I love all the kids I care for like they are my own. I try my utter best, every day to make sure they are all safe, happy, clean and they are having fun and yet I have been treated poorly  by some parents! Most have been amazing at this time though and I’m extremely grateful! The worst part is that this all happens in my own home! There is no escape for me! Like I said, I wanted to do this and I do love it- but when people drop you in it last minute and with a baby on the way…I just don’t need the stress! 😩 All I feel like doing is giving up right now and crying about it, but I can’t and trust me, I don’t intend on doing- it’s just been yet another hard week and I just don’t know how to keep getting through! Sorry but I am only human and no one is ever 100% happy in their job- we all have good/bad days! 

Not only work related but obviously I think people established in my ‘week from hell’ post that I’ve lost friends too. My two ‘best friends’ of ten years which has resolved in my hen do being cancelled as well as wedding invites being torn up and bridesmaids dresses being sold….. So seriously, I know people find out who their true friends are pregnant but losing all this shit and receiving shit after shit each week?! Surely can’t be normal at all!! Maybe this is why I’ve had such a bad pregnancy! I’ve just not had any time to relax and try to enjoy it because of all this added stress and shit! Now you probably understand why I cannot do this ever again!! The only things that have kept me going is the baby and Mark. She’s stopped me losing my shit and Mark’s supported me this whole time! All it’s made us now is stronger and absolutely unbreakable. I swear if I didn’t have this baby and him and all this shit happened- I really don’t think I’d be here! Sorry for this long, depressing post but I’m not ashamed to talk about my feelings. I literally am struggling and I’ve been really down this week! I just want to thank all my true friends for being there for me. Even a simple call or message from you means a lot!! Seriously the baby needs to come soon so I can have a vodka! 🤪 I currently feel as shit as I did right back at the start of this pregnancy- if not worse!! I’m constantly feel sick- really vomiting at times, I’m boiling hot all the time to the point where I feel like I could pass out! I think I’m getting carpel tunnel in my hands because of how badly they are swelling and how sore they are- I feel like I’ve put my hand on a hob and I have burnt myself- almost like a prickly heat sensation! I’m tired all the time, I’m literally waking up every hour in the night and I’m soaking wet and just can’t get back off! Then around 2pm, I’m knackered and have to have a nap. Then usually wake up feeling worse!!! My skin on my shoulders is peeling and feels like dermatitis just because of how dry it is- no amount of moisturiser or coconut oil is helping and my hair is still snapping away……I’m just so drained and in so desperate need of a break. This was why I was looking forward to my hen do- which has obviously ended up getting cancelled. So il have to wait until January for the wedding! 

Please someone, can I have a break or can someone just come and deposit a large amount money in my account! 😂😂😂 I know everything will work out, as I’ve said before, I’m a massive believer in fate and I’m sure that all this bad stuff was meant to happen before my baby arrives! I just want a fresh start!

Sore & Sick


This week has been the biggest struggle physically ever!!! I literally cannot stop being sick or feeling sick!!! Acid reflux is awful and I saw my midwife on Tuesday who told me to see the GP to which they prescribed me Gaviscon which I told them- it doesn’t work!!!!!! I tried phoning and phoning to make an appointment but no luck what so ever so I’ve just been going along with it! I’ve got less than 4 weeks to go and the worse I feel- the more I couldn’t give a fuck about labour! 😂😂 Which actually brings me to a mini rant……..I don’t know why people are trying to tell me their labour horror stories now.  I’m not stupid, I know it’s going to be horrendous but she’s got to come out whatever and honestly, I cannot wait because all these shitty symptoms will be gone! Just let me get on with it, I’ve made no plans for birth as all I want is her out! 😂😂 There is no point making a fucking birth plan because anything could literally happen- I might even need an emergency caesarean! All I said last time was that I want music on, which my labour room has a docking station so that’s not impossible. I’ve made a playlist of songs that have got me through shit times before and it will take Mark less than a minute to do that for me! Oh and I want all the pain relief I can get haha! Fuck all the natural birth shit, I’m really not bothered. If I can get high as shit from gas and air, Diamorphine and have an epidural whilst pushing her out to David Bowie, then so be it! 😂😂😂 I think that’s fair enough! I’ve never imagined what I’d be like at doing this as I was never expecting it to happen!! So there we are- my diva demand is I have music on. I hope the midwife’s like Lady Gaga….. 

The midwife I did see on Tuesday was lovely though! Told her how hard and stressful it’s been and she asked me if I’m still working and I said I was but taking it easy! She ended up feeling really sorry for me and gave me a massive hug haha!! It’s nice to feel appreciated by others sometimes! She doesn’t seem to think il be long and said the baby definitely isn’t going to be a 3 pounder lol! I know these things can never be accurate before someone starts lol but seriously I am huge! Me and mark are both tall and I was a big baby! Mark wasn’t but I think she will be like me! Other than that things have been pretty quiet! I’ve mainly been at home apart from bobbing out for food because I’ve been feeling like shit! I did far too much last weekend as we went to view the house we’re looking at buying then decided to go Cheshire Oaks, which by the way, I ate at three different restaurants that day! 😂😂 But when we got back home, we’d set off flea bombs whilst we were out and de flea’ed both cats so we cleaned the entire house!!! I was fucked!!! I am trying to relax a bit more now and I’m struggling to sleep and even struggling sitting up on the sofa at times! Like I said I technically have less than 4 weeks to go but it could be any day. I read online that apparently only 5% of babies are born on their due date!!! That’s soooo low isn’t it!!! Goes to show though! 

So apart from relaxing, I’ve caught up with friends, got everything I need including milk for the baby now! I’m ordering a meal plan so when I get back home, I can start eating well whilst I’m recovering as Mark can’t cook lol! I’ve got a load of protein samples from Goddess nutrition too as the flavours sound fit! I can just get used to then being back in my own routine as well as get baby in one!! Can’t actually wait to be healthy again! Braving going watching The First Purge today whilst England are playing! Don’t even care- I love the Purge films and I’ve been dying to see this!! Just can’t stop imagining my waters breaking through it though! 😂😂 

F3591276-C02D-4B18-AF08-3C826B6DE3B1.jpeg  Seriously feeling massive now!! 35+3 weeks here. 

Hot and bothered!

A9755A62-3D8D-42D1-AAF8-DC7BEC2C70E8.pngAnother usual week of moaning haha!! Don’t think I’m ever going to be happy until she’s out now!!! Not only has it been ridiculously hot, (normally love the summer but let’s face it, in Britain when it’s this hot it’s shit!) so I’ve not been sleeping because I’m so hot, I’m not really eating because I’m so hot and I can’t get comfortable anyway I try and get comfy because I’m SO HOT!!!! Luckily we have now got an air conditioning unit and WOW! Life changing! 😂 But other than being too hot….the fucking neighbours next door are becoming a real problem. So as you all know, I’m a childminder so I look after children from my house. Doesn’t look good when you drop your child off in the morning and the neighbours are sat in the front garden, (don’t understand why you’d sit at the front of your house, when you have a back garden???? To each their own but!) drinking Carling and Stella from 9am but from 17:00pm onwards, they are pissed and stoned!!! They have had parties blaring music and even sitting out there til 1am talking loud!!! Our bedroom is right above there and we can’t even have the windows open in this heat because of the noise!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also pisses me off as when I walk in my bedroom, it smells like a fucking ashtray!!! Doesn’t look good to people collecting their children off us either! I mean the reason they are all there is because the old lady who lives there is dying?! I’ve never known anything like it. Yet we get told we are ‘inconsiderate’ for parking on OUR driveway because she’s dying?!?! So anyway, I’ve been nagging and nagging Mark to see if we can move! I know it won’t/can’t happen YET but I really don’t want to bring my newborn baby girl back home when it’s like this! So I actually convinced Mark to come look at some show homes for new builds with me and now, he wants to move more than me!! He’s just more Captain sensible whereas I’m like, ‘Fuck it!’ Haha we balance each other out perfectly! That’s our goal after the wedding anyway! Cannot wait. We’re also looking at out of our area, 1) because we both HATE people turning up unexpected. If Mark is out at the gym after work and the door knocks, if I don’t know who it is then it sets my anxiety off. Probably stems from it happening at my old flat as a teen where I let someone in to do a job and we got robbed. Plus I just don’t trust people! So unless I know your coming, I won’t answer the door and then I’ll be on the phone to Mark, panicking as to who it is lol!! 2) I’ve lived here for 28 years and been nothing but shat on by everyone whether it’s people I’ve worked for or ex ‘friends’….I’m at the point where I just can’t be arsed bumping into people I haven’t got time for. I’m not fucking scared of anyone at all and nor am I intimidated by anyone, but I really do hate confrontation and I will avoid it where I can unless I’m really angry or it comes at me unexpectedly. I just don’t want to out with my baby one day and have someone come over that I am not interested in and me lose my shit! I’m done and I just want a fresh start as a married couple, with our child and to start over to give her the best life ever!! I’m not talking about moving to the other side of the world, although I would move to Canada tomorrow if it was possible! But it’s far enough away to not be around dickheads but it’s close enough for my mum to be able to visit everyday if she wanted as I know she will have a very close relationship with our baby! I think after this awful year so far and all the horrible shit that’s been our way, we deserve a break! So if your reading this and your a multi millionaire or your from Canada- give us money to buy the house we’ve seen or get us a Canadian citizenship lol!! 

I was meant to have the midwife on Tuesday too but because I was in Triage on Friday night and they did all the checks and tests I would have had on Tuesday, I was able to push the appointment back! However I did try and get in the dentist the same day as I’ve woken up to my retainer has broke! Grrrrr! Lucky the dentist got me in pretty quick and it’s now fixed without too much movement! The main reason I got these fucking braces was to have perfect teeth for my wedding! Honestly telling you, 1 step forward, 10 fucking back!!! Just annoying as they cost me a lot of money and they were fine shit where I got them- but in all fairness, they looked perfect when I first got them done! Hopefully baby won’t have shit teeth lol! Anyway midwife….I looked at my notes when I was on the phone to her, asking her if I needed to come in due to triage, she just asked me to read my notes and baby is measuring at 5.9 pounds and she’s 34cm! She’s not stopping moving either! ‘Time your movements’….it’s 24/7!!! Even at triage they said they have rarely seen a baby that active!!! You can actually see her from the outside moving! I poke her sometimes as she’s doing it lol and she’s started poking back!!!! Bet she’s like ‘Oh fuck off’ haha! I bet it’s because there is barely any room left in my belly now!!! I’m downing pineapple juice like no tomorrow!! Better start working soon! 😂😂 So she just said she’ll see me at 36 weeks which is next week anyway so it’s been pushed back! Hopefully she’ll be out soon now! I visited my friend whose just had her baby yesterday and omg he’s so cute!! 😍 I just couldn’t help feeling massively jealous though holding her baby when I’m dying to just have mine here!!! Mark was loving it haha! Getting his pre daddy prep on the go!

I don’t think I will be much longer now anyway! It literally could be any day now anyway, so I’m all packed for hospital so I’ve been making a labour playlist on my phone too lol! Thinking of absolutely everything now! 😂😂 She should be a massive music fan anyway as not only do I sing 24/7 lol, (not well I might add!) but she goes bananas when I have music on or I’m singing! Maybe that’s why she’s so active hahhaa!! She’s got not choice but to be a Lady Gaga fan anyway! 

Triage and terror baby!

189E6552-16E0-44D7-91D6-B32A0EBE65C2.pngThree times I’ve had to rewrite parts of this blog. Three lol! So here we go…third time lucky! What a nightmare week. Seriously. I’ve had really low blood pressure and was very ill for a good couple of days,  I’ve been in hospital, I’ve been non stop vomiting, acid reflux is not getting any better, sciatica is getting worse…I’ve seriously had enough now. I’m drained, stressed, tired, fed up and sick of everything to be quite frank! I know all pregnant ladies get fed up towards the end but I’ve felt like this the entire time and now I’m literally at breaking point! I honestly thought it was all coming to an end earlier this week too as I thought my waters broke! First time this week I’ve actually fucking smiled lol!!! But that soon faded when I realised it wasn’t and it was just piss!! I swear to god though, I was adamant at first it couldn’t have been! I basically was dying for a wee, I must go now every minutes of the day… went for a wee, stood up and pulled my knickers up then turned to flush the toilet when it just trickled out! It went down my leg and on the floor so I thought, ‘Great! This is it!!’ But yeah sadly not, just more piss that clearly hadn’t come out whilst sat on the loo! Great! Been getting more and more Braxton Hicks and my lower back is really sore now so I’m genuinely hoping I’m not going to be far off. I’m sick of being ill! Honestly back to vomiting and acid reflux is draining me. Main reason for my low blood pressure because I’m dehydrated!! I have to keep drinking loads! I seem to be wanting cans of coke at the moment! It made me feel sick at first- maybe because of the caffeine, but think my body needs a bit of that haha! 

It’s been more the stress which is also taking a massive toll. Every week as your aware, we’ve had some form of shit going on. And I mean that, 34 weeks of pure, solid, shit. I’ve just had enough. I’m really hormonal now- I just want to be on my own with my cats lol! Seriously that’s all I want! People have been so inconsiderate and selfish in regards to me being pregnant. This week for example, we’ve had a spat with the neighbours because they have been parking right over our driveway, blocking our car in. Mark stuck a notice on one of the cars stating that I could go into labour at anytime and we will need to keep the driveway clear due to me needing to get to hospital, which resulting in a neighbour banging on our door telling us to not park on our own drive but in the road if that’s the case!!!!! Honestly never wanted to smack someone in the face so hard in all of my life. I’ve then had several different people saying to me that they hope I have my baby on a certain day as it’s more ‘convenient’ for them! I had one ask me what date we were planning on giving birth so they could book a holiday! I’ve had another saying ‘Can you have a quiet word with baby to come after the 1st July as I get annual leave then’……. honestly let me say, it’s convenient for me that she comes NOW before I kill the next person who comes out with such nonsense! 😂😂😂 HONESTLY!!  I’ve looked after children that have been born at 23 weeks. I know people that have been pregnant for 42 weeks, my sister had my niece at 34 weeks!!! There’s no point in a ‘due date’ in my opinion because it’s whenever the fucking baby chooses lol!!!! Whether me, you, the neighbours fucking goldfish like it! Baby will come when she is good and ready whether I like it or not. She wasn’t planned as everyone knows so it’s just a rollercoaster time and I’m stuck on it until it ends! I think the thing that winds me up so much about it is because everyone knows how ill I have been, how much shit we’ve taken- plus there have been many more things that have gone on which I haven’t even mentioned in this blog!!! I’ve had enough and believe me, I’m looking forward to having a bottle of fucking vodka and a whole packet of fags when she’s out! 😂😂😂 So when people want this to go on longer for me but convenient for them pisses me off. End of.

I’ve been told to rest as much as possible now but I can’t really until she’s out because I still have to work! So hard being self employed at a time like this. Most other women get to finish work now or at least soon- and at least get months off once their baby is here. I certainly won’t get that. Not fair really how I get to look after everyone else’s children and won’t get to really enjoy my own baby for a while but unfortunately it’s my job and I don’t know many other parents that get to work from home together and both raising our child. I just wish I could have a decent break. I think all I need is for baby to come out, a little time off to recover and then a massive holiday! Thank god this will be happening but just want it now!! Honestly it’s a miracle this baby is so healthy because low blood pressure topped with stress….I don’t even want to think about it. This is another reason I want her here safe and sound. Oh and another reason- my friend has just had her little boy the other day!!! We were only 4 weeks apart so now I’ve seen pictures of him- I want to meet her now!!! When your sat in Triage for 6 hours and seeing women going into labour and then seeing and hearing loads of newborn babies…I was just sat there wanting to go in and have her even more!!! 


1DB6A57C-FC71-4A10-AA78-52A1928466EAA very tired and delusional mummy & daddy!