Post Partum…

Right guys, first of all I’m going to say that I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long time but it’s because I’ve been soooo busy becoming a new mum and I’ve been wanting to take my time on this post and give it my all. This is going to be my most honest and open blog post I’ve done and it’s about my post partum body journey. I’m literally pouring my heart, soul, every single doubt, the ups and the huge downs- everything is going into this. Now this isn’t going to be one of those, ‘My body gave me my baby so therefore I love it’ posts because yes, I love my baby more than absolutely anything and everything and I’m so glad that I actually became a mum but that doesn’t mean I have to love my mummy tummy!   

Something I heard ALL the time when I was pregnant from loads of different women was, ‘Oh it will drop right off you’, ‘Oh your naturally slim so you’ll bounce back’ and ‘Oh when you’ve had your baby, you’ll go right back to being yourself’….BULL FUCKING SHIT!!!! Honestly, I feel like it’s pregnancy reversed and the weight certainly hasn’t just ‘dropped off!’ I have had to work my absolute arse off to get back in shape! For some women, yes they may lose their weight straight away! Good for them! Same as they probably had a really easy pregnancy and a great labour and their little angel slept through from 5 weeks….🙄. I certainly (and not did my baby sleep through until she turned 4/5 months old lol) didn’t though like many others- this is my journey and my body. All of us are completely different but this is MY story on MY body- so here we go….

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So this was me before I was pregnant. I’ve always been a slim size 8 and I’m 5ft7 so I’m tall and lanky too lol! I definitely think this is a contributing factor as to why I had a struggle being pregnant! Especially because I was a HUGE! Not even joking! I actually can’t believe that this was me and I was actually about to find out I was pregnant here! I had no clue. Zero. I found out when I was 6 weeks pregnant and it was a complete shock as I was actually on the pill! Full explanation is at the start of my blog! One thing I will say is though- I’ve always fucked around with my hair but pink was a massive upkeep that I just didn’t have the time/patience for whilst pregnant as I was too busy throwing up and picking out tonsil stones 😂😂 so I went back to my natural colour but with that- I felt like I lost my identity. I know that sounds crazy but my life was completely about to change but so did I! 

f22d2a8c-76a4-4fad-9983-c2aaa4121599  This was taken two weeks before I gave birth. 

I was huge when I was pregnant. I’d put on a total of 5 stone whilst being so and not even remotely funny that I had a tiny baby!!! Seriously, my placenta was bigger than her! Now obviously you all knew the whole ins and outs of my horrible pregnancy, (if not then catch up from the beginning!) but I think you can see that I wasn’t exaggerating about being massive. I had a bump at 10 weeks. Even my first midwife said I looked like I was 24 weeks when I was only 14! This was two weeks before I popped too so I went even bigger! I hated people saying to me, ‘Oh your just all bump’, well yes, I was mainly….but my legs and face gained a lot also! No one ever told me I looked great or I was glowing because I bloody well wasn’t!! It was always how massive I was! Me and pregnancy just didn’t see eye to eye. Anyway, now you’ve seen how big I was, here’s the aftermath….

9ed1f3a5-e034-475f-939f-fa5ec243d8cc        1 week after labour. 

I remember looking at my stomach and seeing how much smaller it looked once I’d given birth, but then it hit me! Why the hell do I still have this huge bump when there isn’t even a baby inside me anymore?! Now I was still ridiculously hormonal, crying at everything/nothing and being really sore during recovery  and irritable but I couldn’t get my head around why I still looked pregnant! I remember looking at myself and crying solidly for an hour and looking at old pictures thinking, ‘Omg! This is going to be me forever now!’ Honestly I was so upset. I couldn’t walk properly let alone do anything else! My hands were like balloons, especially my right hand due to me having a cannula in it for 2 days straight and constantly winding a reflux/colicky baby, but they and my feet were still swollen because of oedema. I had to take my engagement ring off because of how badly swollen my fingers were and I hated that as I felt that I couldn’t have that special closeness with Mark! I felt like I was a young, single mum when I went out on my own with her! All in my head obviously but I hated absolutely everything, apart from Brooke! She kept me sane!! Then I thought, ok! I can at least eat healthy and lose some of this water until I can exercise which they told me it would take 8-12 weeks for me to recover! Which honestly, felt like it was never coming!

92071228-3910-4e9c-93c4-13c79ecc5604weeks after labour. 

Looking at this picture now, I can see how much water I did actually lose but at the time- I honestly couldn’t tell you how fucking miserable and depressed I was. Nothing fit me apart from Marks joggers and even then, they were tight and a man size XL!!! I didn’t even brush my hair because I just couldn’t be bothered to look after myself! Honestly, this is the lowest I’d ever felt in my life and let me tell you, I’ve had a lot of shit to deal with. My tits were absolutely killing because they had started producing milk. I’d been eating nothing but healthy food and I thought, that’s it. This me forever now. I wanted to give up. Let me tell you, hormones, being sleep deprived and starting to feel depressed from feeling absolutely rotten and disgusting…HARD. Enough of that though! I was losing a lot of water, every 5 minutes I needed a wee- by the time I’d get downstairs after using the toilet, I’d have to go again! I was still sore and bleeding so I was still wearing massive pads along with maternity knickers!! My wee also had a right funny smell to it too! Just like when my waters broke which apparently was in my head according to the midwives?! Weird lol! I also still had some pregnancy symptoms- I had a massive tonsil stone make an appearance and I think I had around 5 haemorrhoids! The iron tablets I was on were making me poo and when I did it was black but my arse was on fire- But oh yeah- you just go right back to yourself when you have a baby…🙄😂. I just was at an all time low but I plodded on and through myself into motherhood and with what I was doing. Oh and I was back working now also!

98adbbe6-a560-4352-a01c-20ea6423dda2weeks after labour. 

Well I feel like healthy eating is working because look, you can see how much I’d lost and pretty quickly! Not going to lie though, because I’d lost a lot of water and quickly, I’ve now got loads of stretch marks on my stomach and love handles. I was so upset by it as I’ve never had stretch marks and didn’t even have them in pregnancy so I was gutted! I was even googling about surgery to get rid of them at one stage!! I had been using bio oil through pregnancy and recovery, come to think of it- loads of other stuff but you know what- I became not overly bothered as I’ve got time to worry about that later! I was more bothered about losing the actual weight so I can fit in my wedding dress. My god though I hated my boobs at this point as they were so sore and they fucking ballooned!!!!! Mark kept calling them my, ‘fun bags’ but was he fuck allowed to have fun anywhere near them!!! Hahaha- I felt like I’d had a boob job and then I started panicking about them in my dress! Funny because I hated my boobs as a teen because of how small they were and wanted a boob job more than anything but by god I’m glad I didn’t do it now! By the way, I’m not calling anyone with big boobs at all because I think they are great on other women! Just not on me lol! Everytime I ate anything I had to pick out crumbs, my back hurt, everything I wore they would bulge out of….I hated them! I was dying for my size B’s to come back!!! At least I was out of the maternity knickers now too!!

6ad8add8-5cf7-466e-b013-ca0a7e54bb61weeks after labour.

I think you can actually see by my face how much happier I look. My waist has come down and my boobs aren’t as big! I’m still not allowed to exercise but I’ve lost this just by healthy eating and weeing loads! When I say about me healthy eating by the way, I had been using a meal prep company as its healthy, convenient after having a baby and convenience- that’s the thing you need! I also had to eat healthy anyway due to becoming anaemic after losing so much blood after labour. If your from Manchester then I’ve been using Edibell Kitchen who I found on Instagram and I can highly recommend them as they are affordable but bloody tasty too! If your not local then just browse around for meal prep companies in your area, or if your confident enough to make your own healthy meals that you will stick to, then you could also do that! Do what is good for you. If your pregnant whilst reading this, then my advice would be to  cook now for yourself and freeze meals to heat up whilst you recover! I feel that’s an important tip! If your like me though-I physically wasn’t able to get up and cook for a good couple of weeks whilst recovering because of how sore I was and Mark can’t cook- so to me, this was the best option. I used them for weeks too as like I mentioned- convenience!! When you get 3 hours sleep a night for 4/5 months, I didn’t know what day it was and I’d eat at silly times but I only really ate when I was hungry. It’s important when you want to lose weight you find what is right for you because it’s got to be something you can upkeep! Now I’ve not been weighing myself so I don’t know how much I have actually lost but I don’t want to anyway! I just want to lose my weight in a healthy, sustainable way because that is the best way- not what a number says. 

c4eb849c-c143-4a04-b30c-491c95859ab6weeks after labour. 

So my belly is starting to sag down which I hate. I compared it to the tongue belly that Adam Sandler has in Click! Seriously, I still can’t see my bits and I actually have to lift my roll up to shave! I will confess that I only did that for the first time this week as it was like Jumanji lol! I didn’t do it sooner because I was terrified I’d pull out my stitches or catch them! I never looked at my bits once after labour because of how Mark described it lol! He said it looked like Jurassic World gates opening the cheeky bastard! I felt like I had Frankenstein’s head down below anyway so yeah- I didn’t look lol! I actually went to a post natal yoga class with Brooke this week too which was pointless as I wasn’t allowed to actually do anything apart from pelvic floor exercises, (which by the way, no matter how sore you are- DO THEM! They keep you from smelling like Beryl at the nursing home as I could notice a smell coming from below and it was due to being leaky! I’m absolutely fine now I can assure you- but moral of the story- do them!!!) and Brooke just kicked off every time I tried to put her on a yoga mat- so I ended up just feeding her the entire time I was there! Haha diva! 

26b7fa72-d35c-4105-8dc0-3bef569f2b747 weeks after labour. 

Now I couldn’t take a picture the week before as this is when my bathroom and house decided to fall apart so I didn’t have access to a decent sized mirror! This was at my mums when we had to go round every night to use a shower/bath which was an absolute nightmare! I’ve started going for little walks and as much as I look better on this picture, I have got fake tan on and that hides all my lumps/bumps and the room is lit really well- so I wanted to show you from a different perspective….

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Now let me tell you…I fucking HATE this picture. If it wasn’t for me doing this blog then it would have been removed from the face of the earth. Mark took it before we went to see 50 Cent which was dreadful as he did the entire show in 40 mins and it took us 2 hours to get home! Now when I saw this, I literally wanted to take off all my makeup, get back into Marks joggers and get into bed to cry. Instead I got shit faced and smoked a few fags because I felt fucking horrendous. I tend to do this before I go out anyway and always have, because of my anxiety. I have never felt that I’m ‘pretty’ or that I’m good enough, which is why I wear a lot of makeup etc- It stems from being badly bullied in high school and always being compared to others- you know, someone always had to be better than you…🙄. One thing I never had to worry about though was my pre pregnancy body! I could eat what I wanted, I never gained weight, i didn’t really exercise- I was lazy….so seeing this- I couldn’t have anything positive to think or say about myself. Since then I’ve used this picture as motivation because I never want to look or feel this way about myself ever again. I felt like the whole night was awful and everything went wrong because I looked fat and disgusting. Ridiculous to think that EVER, but that is how I felt. I especially didn’t want to feel like this on my wedding day so I pulled my finger out and quickly. 

7fe0b624-88bf-44e3-9708-ad0a65f4273b9 weeks after labour. 

So I had my 8 week check and they told me I was good to go, so I’m back in the gym and feel like I can really get on track now. Now the day before the picture was taken, I was actually in hospital having a general anaesthetic due to my wisdom tooth being removed. It actually became infected- which I found ironic as that’s why it had to be removed! 🙄 Having it out and being infected had definitely been more painful than labour. I had to be put on strong antibiotics- I could barely eat, drink or talk! But it didn’t stop me! I certainly underestimated it! I’m glad it’s out now though as it’s fine and I know il never have any problems with it ever again! Anyway, I’ve still been going to the gym, even in agony and living off 3 hours sleep a night (so no excuse ladies haha!) but all I’ve been doing in the gym to start off is a fast walk on the treadmill followed by a few sit ups a time so I can get my core stronger again. I’m am actually a tough bitch really underneath the hormones! I will push myself to extreme if I want something hard enough and I wanted to feel good. 

bf57bd73-2891-4dbe-87a1-6d3a779cc34110 weeks after labour.

I’m actually quite impressed here as I did give in this week and I ate some naughty treats because of my whole tooth situation but Mark ordered us a Domino’s and it gave me diarrhoea so that’s probably why I got away with it! I poo’d it all out haha! Isn’t it funny really when you don’t eat any junk for a long time- it shows you how shit it actually makes you feel! Goes to show how shit you’d feel eating it all the time! My house is still an absolute mess- so I had to use my wardrobe in Brooke’s room to get this snap. Anyway, as well as doing cardio and abs in the gym, I’ve started to do some all over body workouts with light weights this week to try and get my body stronger again and to burn more calories. To be honest- I haven’t even been counting calories, I’ve just been watching what I graze on in between meals as I’m a bugger for snacking! It’s been hard but I will start getting used to it.

1838a9ca-2a7a-49bd-9403-9a54761edbe012 weeks after labour. 

I was feeling a lot happier this week! I’m starting to see my shape again and even though I’ve still got a lot of weight to lose, I’m feeling it’s much more achievable- I even shared this picture on my Instagram story as I was proud of myself!…Except- I gave in and I weighed myself at my mums and saw I was 11 stone so then I was really fucked off and upset  that after all this effort of eating healthy and working my arse off in the gym, all to lose 7 pounds in 4 weeks (the last time I got weighed was at the doctors at my 8 week check and they told me I was 11 stone, 7 pounds)….then I knew I was being ridiculous!! 7 pounds is amazing! Thing is I was 8 stone pre pregnancy so the thought of having to lose 3 stone knocked me sick but I’m absolutely determined to do this shit if it kills me! I hate feeling miserable and having absolutely no confidence at all and I’m NOT feeling that after this awful year and on my wedding day! No way. Honestly this is a tough bloody battle and I’m constantly abusing myself everyday but I feel like it will be the end of the era once I’ve got myself back!

 

11b25590-5d29-410c-8a02-87fa9f6137e214 weeks after labour.

I’m so glad that I’ve been taking photos as I daren’t weigh myself again and this way I can actually see results rather than focus on a mindless number. Again I was so happy as the night I took this, (usually I can look bloated at night but I’d just been in the gym) I couldn’t believe it when I saw myself! I just wanted to say also that I’m not promoting sunbeds in anyway at all but I didn’t get to enjoy summer at ALL this year because the heat made me swell even more and I got bad migraines from the heat but with it getting closer to the wedding, I don’t want to wear fake tan as it will ruin my wedding dress which I want to keep! I’m not a saint and I think by reading this blog, you all know that haha! But there’s worse things out there than using a sunbed. Least I’m not out sniffing cocaine! 

30c961a0-672c-4834-8d57-7eabc4dfc7e915 weeks after labour. 

I’ve found this week HARD! I went out for my friends birthday and tried literally everything in my wardrobe on and nothing would fit me! I feel like I’m smaller than what I actually am until I try something on! I did manage to find something to wear but I just refuse to buy clothes whilst I’m losing weight! Then that’s adding to feeling depressed because I feel horrible, frumpy and grumpy! I felt so self conscious whilst I was out that I wasn’t even being myself! I felt really out of place! I tried to feel normal but I just didn’t! I don’t know if anyone even noticed but I felt like I stood out and not for a good reason! With that, I dragged myself swimming the next day and I was moaning to Mark that I looked really fat in my costume- it was bulging out of places that it really shouldn’t bulge out from! Mark just put me in perspective and said, ‘Would you rather feel conscious now or on your wedding day?’ I knew he was right so off I went! I did an aqua aerobic class before it and my costume ended up like Borat’s monokini- it was going in every nook and cranny, (actually rhymes with fanny 😂😂) but I proper went for it so if you see my bits on YouTube anywhere then let me know haha!! I had to take Brooke to the health visitors which was a mile walk there and a mile back as well as the gym a couple of times- weighed myself there out of interest and according to the gym scales- I weigh 10st 13 which I was so fucking angry and upset about. One fucking pound in 3 weeks?! As I’m sat here writing this I’m in bed crying my eyes out. I’m so fucking depressed/angry that all my fucking hard work and effort has been for absolutely fuck all. I’m fucking devastated. I literally haven’t eaten any shit in 5 weeks- not had any treats and turned them away, even when I really wanted them! Honestly it’s a massive kick in the teeth and I feel like I’m not getting where I want to be. I’m going to have to try something else or step it up a knotch…Also my house is now finished and you have no idea how much I appreciate my bathroom back!!!!

5e9904d1-7f74-42b3-b410-b2c12cbc531b16 weeks after labour.

I’ve decided I really don’t care what the scales said. Even if I did lose a pound- at least I haven’t gained any!!! Truth be told, I’ve probably gained muscle through going to the gym and the other thing is, I looked properly at the piece of paper which I was ashamed about  at the time, but the machine said I was 5ft 6 and I’m not- I’m 5ft 7! See what I mean! I did want to use my mums again just out of interest in what hers would say but you know what- I just don’t care! I’m not doing it again. All that happens is I see the number and cry. I mean cry to! These photos are enough proof that I’ve done well and lost weight and I actually don’t care how much I weigh- I just want to fit in my dress. I went out with my best friend for food and I thought- fuck it! I’m getting what I want from the menu as I’m not starving myself and making myself ill and you know what, I’ve not been out for a meal for ages in fear of getting bigger!! I promise you all I haven’t got an eating disorder as I’m aware I probably sound like I do right now but I can’t help how I feel and my hormones are all over the place. I’ve started tracking exactly what I’m having to eat on the app; MyFitnessPal and I’m going to step up my workout intensity’s because truth be told- I probably can push myself more now. I’ll keep you updated on the app and let you know how I find it after a week to let you know if it’s any good! 

e29ef431-6819-4dea-806b-0e97dfac5d1e17 weeks after labour.

God this week I’ve been so up and down in terms of emotions! I don’t know if it’s my dreaded period (hence why I’ve got my shorts on) causing it- which is also hilarious as loads of women also told me they get better when you have a baby…well mine are no different apart from being longer and heavier! Sometimes I look at myself and think, ‘Yes, I’m getting back, I’m doing so well’ then other times I’m doubting myself- just feel grim and horrible! I have actually dropped a dress size now so I’m beginning to fit in a size 10 which I was absolutely buzzing about but it’s just my stomach I fucking hate! I have bought a waist trainer because I know they are good at keeping your tummy in and it’s also good for back posture- anyway I got a L on eBay and I can’t even fasten one clip! I refuse to fucking buy a XL- it’s just not happening. I even started to be stupid and look at alternatives I could try, e.g, liposuction, tummy tuck, slimming tablets, laxatives….. then I’m like, ‘What the hell are you doing?!’ You will do this! My heads just been everywhere- I even forgot about my smear test and missed it!!! Doesn’t help that Brooke had her jabs this week and she was so ill afterwards bless her so I only trained 4 times this week, otherwise I’d have done more. I’m terrified I won’t fit in my dress- let alone what I’m going to do about wearing a bikini?!?! I won’t be able to- and then I start crying. Why is this so much harder than I thought!!! I’m sick of everyone telling me I look good because I know I don’t and I can’t stand people just trying to be nice. I am fully aware that I probably sound like an absolute freak about this but I’m literally writing exactly how I feel down because not only does it make me feel better, I want to show you that we all have down days! It’s normal! 

ab4ffe72-f954-47b4-9e2c-88daa9160f9818 weeks after labour. 

Ok I want to start this off with how ridiculous I must have sounded last week. I’m absolutely so up and down with my body and I’m only putting this pressure to lose weight on myself because of the wedding. So many people have told me I look great for having a baby 4 months ago and literally everyone I know has told me to calm down. Me personally- I just can’t. I’ve been full of a cold this week and I’ve gone to the gym every night! I’m really into working out now as I’m putting all my depression and anger into my workouts and personally for me I find it working and I feel a million times better for it because I’m no longer down about myself because when I’m in the gym, I’m doing something to sort myself out. I’ve not done anything different in terms of diet however I did notice on the my fitness pal app (which by the way, I really rate, especially if you do want to track your calories as it tells you everything and if you go over your daily intake!!!!) that my diet seemed to be mainly carb based so I’m working on lowering that slightly and getting more protein in me. As it’s been Black Friday, I got myself a few tubs of protein so I’m going to start doing what I used to do and have two shakes a day along with healthy snacks and a healthy meal for tea. I shall talk about it next week to let you know how I find it. Looking in the mirror though I’m feeling good and positive. I also shared this on my Instagram as I was proud! Yes I’ve still got weight to shift but I’m getting my shape back. As you can see I’ve taken this photo at night as well because if I took it first thing in the morning- I’d look even slimmer but you know me- I’m keeping it real. Good thing is- I have 8 weeks still to go!! 

Disclaimer: Ok I haven’t been taking regular photos and nor have I weighed myself because I decided to worry less and just live life. I came to realise that it’s ridiculous to be worrying so much about my weight when I have just had a baby. I’m stopping putting as much pressure on myself as it’s silly. Don’t get me wrong I’ve still been training 4 times a week as I enjoy it now and I’m still eating healthy- I’ve started taking supplements which I will write a list of at the end. I’ve actually noticed far more results by letting go of this obsession and not only that- I’ve been feeling much happier. 

Firstly- this is from a different perspective again. This was the difference in 4 weeks from roughly 18 weeks after labour to 19 week.  I met up with a PT who has given me lots of nutritional advice and got me on track with workouts. Can you believe these are results in 4 weeks!!!! Isn’t it crazy how much you can do in 1 month! At first I was really upset because of how big I still look (isn’t it funny the difference in angles too! My selfies don’t show exactly how big I am!) but when I properly looked- look how much better my tummy is!! I’ve lost at least 1cm to 2cm’s off in total of each area when I sent her across my measurements. I have been having a shake in the morning, one at lunch or a healthy lunch depending on how hungry I am, and a healthy tea with plenty of healthy snacks during the day like nuts and fruit etc! My tea is lots of fish or meat with low carb like quinoa, sweet potato etc and buckets of vegetables. I have also been taking supplements which I will list below. The PT I worked with is called Karen Austin and she runs a place called Topaz Fitness. I did her online program and met with her once and by god she nearly killed me lol! Honestly it was actually terrible how unfit I am at circuits even though I’ve been training!! It’s good to be pushed now and again, doing different things, to challenge my body as I don’t want my body getting too used to the exercises I do as I want results! I’ve been doing body pump classes about 2/3 times a week, moving more in the day by walking etc, swimming once a week and some home exercises when Brooke sleeps. So every time I need to go upstairs, I run up them with high knees or mountain climb up them, then I either do some burpees at the top step or push-ups! Also please excuse the fact I look wonky and the fact I left my socks on lol! I’d just been to the gym and was dying to get the pictures out the way as I was nervous to see them!! I blame the lighting and Mark’s photography for why I look wonky lol! I can assure you I’m not!! 

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Before I reveal what’s underneath….let me tell you….I’m incredibly happy! I think final bits of wedding stress has made me lose a bit of extra weight lol!! I’m back in a size 8!!!!!

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Now I don’t have toned abs and nor do I have my old thigh gap…..I have a few lumps, bumps and scars…..but I feel great- AND in a bikini for holiday!!! When I read back through the start of this post, I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I’ve hated myself, doubted myself and worst of all, I gave up on myself!!! Many a day I didn’t want to get dressed, go out and do anything, even go out which is not like me! I didn’t even brush my hair some days or wore any makeup! I still have more to lose until I’m back to pre pregnancy weight and I do still need to work on my tummy but I will carry on eating well and training- I just really wanted to share this blog post with you all because….there were times where I felt BAD. I honestly wish you could see how bad! Signing into social media and seeing famous women who had babies in a similar time frame to myself, looking incredible and seeing them with abs within months….it was heartbreaking!! I mean even now I don’t look like that and I’ve worked my arse off!!!!! Thing is plain and simple: we are all different. Some women find pregnancy a breeze, some (like myself) had a terrible time! Some have a great labour, others terrible! Some women get back in shape, some don’t. Some women breastfeed which can contribute to weight loss, some (again like myself) didn’t! There is no point in comparing yourself to others because we are all unique. Cliche bullshit I know but I had to keep telling myself this! Plus these celebrities have teams of people to help them get ready, take photos for them, photoshop, get surgery, have PT’s and meal preps, etc etc. It’s not the real world. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not bashing anybody because I tell you, if I had money, I’d be going straight to whoever made Megan Fox look how she does, I’d be there!!!!! But I’m not rich nor am I in a reality show. I’m in the real world and I’ve worked my arse off and the products below are genuinely helped and no fake promoting necessary. I wanted to stress this!!!!! 

So here is a list of supplements I used and rated! This is not me telling you to take them without checking they are right for you- this is just what I found extremely helpful for ME. These things were also taken with caution and alongside a good diet and lots of exercise. No daddy diets or gimmicks either!!! Now do NOT assume that you can rely on supplements to give you a slim figure- they are just there to enhance your hard work. 

  1. Aloe Vera colon cleanse tablets from Holland and Barrett. These have made me go to the toilet comfortably every day without the horrible cramps or diarrhoea! Much safer than laxatives and really work! Trust me but coming from someone who really suffers with bowel issues- these are a game changer or worth a try at least!
  2. Protein. Ive been using Cute Nutrition strawberry flavour whey protein and it’s gorgeous tasting! Like I said, when I monitored my diet to see where I was going wrong- I was consuming more carbs than protein so all I did was flip it round and that’s when I started to notice  quicker results! I also rate JST Jodie shakes as they also taste great! The blueberry muffin meal replacement shake is 😍😍😍!! 
  3. Skinny juice by Cute Nutrition. Not going to lie- it’s nice at first but then it wears you down hahaha! It has dandelion root in it which helps get rid of water weight which is perfect after having a baby because that is what is mainly in your body- water! You can just buy capsules of dandelion root but this drink has other weight loss ingredients in it and I did find it extremely helpful! Just beware using, you will piss SO much lol! 
  4. Pharmanex green tea capsules. I don’t like green tea and I’ll be honest- drinking water, coffee, protein shakes and skinny juice- it was all getting too much just drinking lots of different crap and remembering to have it all! So I found the capsules to be easier! They also have the equivalent to 6 cups in anyway! You can get them anywhere but my friend sells the ones I have so if your interested, her Instagram is @kirstyannemarr just send her a message about them and she will tell you all the info! 
  5. Collagen tablets. Collagen is amazing for your skin and keeps everything tight. I used to swear by the drinks but I hadn’t taken them for years and they have gone expensive so I picked up some capsules from Tesco. I thought they might be good for my tummy skin!! I’ve only really just started using them so can’t really give you effective results yet!
  6. Waist trainer. Towards these last few weeks until the wedding I’ve worn one religiously to try and keep my belly a little flatter. Not going to lie, uncomfortable BUT you can tell the difference. I wouldn’t wear one if I wasn’t getting married- apart from in the gym! I think when you train; it’s easy to forget to keep your core tight when your trying to focus on other things whereas when you wear a waist trainer, it’s kept in automatically!! 
  7. I’m also not going to lie- I did try some fat burners but they made me feel poorly like sick and jittery which terrified me- so I sacked them off. If you are going to take them then make sure they are safe as they can be extremely dangerous!!!!!!!! 

Now I’m probably going to face some form of backlash in some way or another for this blog post for trying to lose weight quickly and moaning so much…..so I’m going to end this chapter by having a usual rant. I am aware that in some stages in this post that I probably sound like a raving lunatic, sounding obsessed with getting back in shape after just having a baby…… Firstly, my hormones were everywhere. Secondly, my wedding is coming up. Honestly- I genuinely think by going to the gym and training helped me- not only just to make me feel good and to fit in my wedding dress….but I genuinely believe that if I hadn’t have trained- I would have probably ended up with post natal depression… But seriously I  cannot stress enough that I have only put this much pressure on myself because of my wedding otherwise I would have spent a bit more time relaxing and recovering properly, but if you know me personally- you know I get easily bored and I have to be constantly doing something. I always need stimulating whether it’s mentally or physically! So I would have eventually put myself through this but I definitely wouldn’t have been as hard on myself. Even on my honeymoon il be running around theme parks with my husband (ahhh!) and friends! I can’t just lazy on a beach 24/7 as I get bored!! I have been pushed to my limits this past year but I’ve conquered it. I have totally changed as a person and I don’t mean just because I’m now a mum. I enjoy fitness now and that will become part of my lifestyle. I have made new friends through training, I feel better about myself and have more energy! It’s also given me some ‘me time’ because you do the same thing day in, day out to get your little one into routine! It can get very repetitive- so to get out and do something for myself that makes me feel better is great! I have still got 2 weeks until the wedding to go as well so I’m going to see if I can lose a little bit more in that time but I’m honestly not stressing about it! I’m happy! 

Thankyou for all being a part of my journey and if you still want me to do posts on parenting or anything else then please let me know!!! I’ve loved sharing everything with you all! 

 

 

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A baby is for life- not just for Christmas….

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So I’m going to talk about the reality of being a mum. It’s fucking hard work. I’m not going to lie- I have been feeling a bit down at the moment because I feel fat, tired, (actually, make that exhausted!) ugly….I feel so drained because I have absolutely zero time to myself- I’m not eating properly and half the time I’ve even been forgetting to brush my teeth! I can’t be arsed to do my hair or makeup as I’m only in the house or at the gym! I’ve cried like a bitch when she’s had her jabs done, my anxiety went through the roof the day before she was due them! I hate it when my mum takes her for the day or having her over night as I just want her back! That leads the guilt I feel when I want time for myself and for even feeling this way! Especially when I’m upset! Oh and when you do get five minutes to yourself- your having to sterilise bottles, wash sicky/shitty clothes…just to repeat it over and over again until it’s time for ‘bed’, you know the thing your actually meant to relax in and get some ‘sleep’….Oh and don’t forget- you can’t just ‘pop to the shop’ anymore because you have to make sure you have your baby’s bag ready with bottles, milk, nappies, wipes, sick mops, dummies, (if your lucky your baby takes one as mine certainly doesn’t!) spare clothes, car seat, pram….a five minute outing easily turns into an hour! Then don’t forget the dirty looks when your baby is kicking off out in public or people passing comments and giving opinions….

Anyone that says this shit is easy is on crack. I’m not going to lie- I’ve also probably had this shit harder than others! The problem with being self employed, no maternity leave properly, my house as you know, (if you don’t, we had a major leak that has pretty much demolished my house) so that has been a mess and it’s STILL not done! I’ve also had a general anaesthetic to get my wisdom tooth out which was fucking agony- proper underestimated it to which oh- it got infected!!! So two weeks of not being able to talk properly, eat…..to run to the dentist to have it cleaned, packed and antibiotics to which I couldn’t consume alcohol again…. 

Honestly, this has been the hardest and shittest time (not Brooke obviously lol she’s not shit, just my situation is) of my entire life! How people do this over again is beyond me because it’s just the hardest thing in the world! It probably doesn’t help also that my baby can also be very difficult! We get massive kick off’s, we’re still no where near the stage of sleeping through…but then the second she smiles at you- that’s it and all is forgiven. I honestly can say though hand on heart- I could not do this job alone so seriously hats off to you single mums out there! Now don’t get me wrong- I love being a mum and I would not change anything for the world at all- I’ve taken to it like a duck to water- and I know everything is worth it- plus, I absolutely love Brooke more than fucking anything- you will never feel love like it. It just Motherhood is like pregnancy, every woman will have a completely different ride. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions! Would I go back to not having so much responsibility? Not a chance. My life has completely changed and yes it’s fucking hard and there are times when I hate/doubt myself and all this shit I’ve had- but I’m ploughing through and trying my best like every mum out there. 

F98356CD-315A-4CB6-8B70-715E0BBD0DCEFrom a very knackered mum but an extremely cute baby ❤️

Sorry!!

40A195A5-2BD3-4240-BCE9-3655E6364E61Hello everyone- I’m so so sorry I’ve not posted for a couple of weeks- It’s. Been. CRAZY!!!! 

Firstly I cannot believe Brooke is 8 weeks old?!?! Well, she’ll be 9 weeks tomorrow! Absolutely mad how fast it’s gone, it’s been a blur! She’s grown so much and she weighs 11 pounds bless her! Her cheeks haven’t half filled out- she’s definitely got my hamster cheeks!! Can really see now that she’s a good mix of us both! I’ve just been so busy trying to rebuild my business and got back ups in place incase! Last weekend I had to redo my paediatric first aid course with Millie’s Trust and it was so good! If you don’t know about Millie’s trust as I do have alot of overseas readers then give it a google but be prepared for tears! Heartbreaking! Reading or hearing about things where children dying, it now makes it so much more upsetting when you have your own- so having the weekend away from her over two whole days, when you hear awfully sad stories and then you perform cpr on a manikin baby….You can imagine the tears lol!! Seriously though I recommend everyone to do a paediatric first aid course!! Especially new parents!! Then of course we had her first jabs which were awful!!! I broke my heart in the room- the nurse ended up comforting me whilst my mum was comforting Brooke lol! I don’t know which one of us cried more! Seriously awful! I’d never heard her scream like it and honestly it went right through me. Then we had a few days of hell with her because she was so clingy, she wasn’t taking her feeds and she was sleepy but she was fighting it off! Literally nothing we could do except give her loads of cuddles! She seems ok now though, we’ll, apart from the colic and reflux! I stopped the gaviscon- she was actually throwing up more and I didn’t want her to risk her being constipated too! So actually not using anything but massage definitely seems to help and also she loves sitting up so we just let her chill on our legs propped or keep her sat upright after winding her! We’ve also found she sleeps better on her belly and that helps with the wind as well! 

Secondly the house is still a wreck but we’re slowly getting there! It’s been exciting redecorating again! I love interior designing and I’m obsessed with houses! All brand new wallpaper, paint, accessories- bathroom has a jacuzzi bath and a walk in ultimate shower with massage jets lol!! Then I’ve got to sort all new carpets/ flooring out and I’ve even been on my ‘Hinch haul’ to really clean everywhere when it’s all done! If you don’t know what a ‘Hinch haul’ is….Mrs Hinch on Instagram! Amazing lady that gives great cleaning tips so get a follow on if your obsessed with cleaning or when you can’t be arsed to- we all have them days- then it will give you some inspiration!! Can’t wait til it’s all finished and snug for the winter! 

Thirdly- As if all what I’ve mentioned above isn’t enough….I’ve also been checking off my wedding list of things to still arrange! I’ve got Brooke’s dress this week and my flowers sorted but I’ve still got to get our rings, park tickets for Florida, sort out a flight for my makeup friend and Mark still needs a suit and shoes!!! Fuck me, il be so happy when this wedding is done so I can bloody chill and relax!! I won’t be arranging fuck all once it’s done lol! People have been asking if we’re having a christening! A fucking christening!! Like I haven’t got enough on lol! The answer is no anyway, but I might look into a naming ceremony but I will happily let Mark do it lol!! Honestly I’m surprised that I’m not a size 0 with all this stress lol but I’m actually really calm right now as I know it needs doing and I am the one that has to do it! I still have bad baby brain too and still with diaries and notes everywhere- I’m still useless! Seriously I don’t recommend having a baby so close to your wedding! I’ve got the stress also of losing 3 stone by January to fit in my dress! Kill me!! 😩😂

Anyway, now you know why I haven’t had chance to do a post so again, sincere apologies and il try my best to not slack off on them lol!! 

Snap back to reality!

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Right I had my ‘BF’ (bitch fit- white chicks) last week but I’m back on board! Literally everything was going wrong last week; my business, then my house, Brooke’s got reflux so she’s been really difficult and every time I tried to fix/solve a problem, about 4 were smacking me back! I have been down a lot but can you blame me?! This without a doubt has been the toughest time of my life. It’s enough of a challenge with a newborn, sleep deprived, hormones and all that without everything else going on! I can’t even have a bath/shower in my own house! It’s been really hard…

So firstly il talk about Brooke- she’s not been right herself the past week: really grouchy, screaming, hiccups and then she started to refuse milk and being sick, so then it was time to go to the doctors where they have said she’s got reflux!! It’s karma for giving it to me for 38+ weeks! 😂😂 Aww bless her, I can fully sympathise with her! She’s got to have the lovely gaviscon in with her milk now, it’s only been 2 days but she seems loads better! She’s also got colic so she has been hard work because she’s not been sleeping properly on the day/night and like I said, she’s been refusing feeds so she’s a bit all over! I’ve kept her bedtime routine going though so she has some normality still- it’s also been hard moving her about here, there and everywhere whilst we clean ourselves! MARE! 

Now I’m going to talk about me. Not only mentally have I had a strain but I have physically too! I’ve already had my first period last week and that was horrible! I’m so self conscious about my body/ face, (I am still writing about my post partum body journey, so I won’t talk about this bit really) and thanks to hormones, I’m still suffering with some pregnancy symptoms,,,.tonsil stones. Devastated! I had a huge one lodged in so I had to get it out as it was causing pain! Still the grimmest thing ever. I’ve also had bad swelling in my feet and hands again too! Still can’t wear my engagement ring and ai can’t go and get our wedding bands yet because of it! I’ve got some water retention tablets to take to help get rid of it! I’ve also been getting physio on my neck because it’s buggered but the guy cracked my back and that’s also hurting! Doesn’t help when I’m slouching to feed Brooke! I still can’t train at the gym properly- all I’m allowed to do is walk but as usual, the weathers crap!! 

So with everything….can I fix a problem. No. Can I change anything. No. So should I stress out and try? No. I’ve finally realised who I am! I am a control freak. I like things done a certain way and if it’s not then I freak out. I’ve also realised that I am a perfectionist. I don’t like it when my life’s in tatters because I want a perfect life! Stupid. Normally I don’t share my problems because I feel weak showing others my vulnerability but I’ve realised that when you are at a low point, it’s best to be an open book. Talking about a problem, helps to realise that it’s not all bad! I’m looking positively. It might be destined that Mark gets a new job. We were lucky I couldn’t bath or have Brooke in with me as we could have gone through the floor. I’m going to get a brand new bathroom, carpet, walls and I can choose everything and get some control back- 🤪 just kidding hahahahaha but I can do my favourite hobby which is interior design! I might even look at becoming an estate agent in the future because I’m so obsessed with homes lol! I don’t know what my life is anymore so I’m just going with it and trying to not stress and worry so much as my most important thing is Brooke. 

At least you can get a glimpse of the bathroom!

Introduction to Motherhood…

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Where to start! First things first I’m utterly and completely in love with Brooke it’s insane! Literally, I’ve never felt this way about anything in my life! The way she looks at me with her massive blue eyes, when I feed her and sing to her and she grabs my finger and looks at me, the little noises she makes, the wind ‘smiles’, (seriously, I can’t wait until we get real smiles as these fake ones melt me!) her snoring, her smell- especially after a bath! Honestly if they could bottle a newborn baby smell mixed with Johnson’s baby bath, it would beat  Mademoiselle for me!! I love her little pout…..she’s just perfect and I’ve never been so in love. It’s a hard job- I’m not going to lie! I’ve had a couple of melt downs and I’ve been exhausted and I’ve needed some me time- I feel fine but I’m desperate to get back to the gym and I’m frustrated I still can’t bath yet so I feel grim and I look grim despite everyone telling me otherwise! 😂😂 It weird to imagine her not being here with us now!

I think the hardest things of becoming a mother are;

  • Tiredness- 100% the hardest! Probably more so for me as most new mums will get a proper maternity leave which means they can rest properly…I don’t! Plus the new neighbour next door has been placed so more noise. Wooo! So this ‘sleep when baby sleeps’ is utter bullshit to me! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a bedtime routine from day 1 so she usually does sleep well- she just wakes for her feed every 3/4 hours but we’ve had a few nights of colic and constipation so that’s been tough at times! I’ve been sleeping on the sofa in the week whilst Marks been working so he can rest but when I get too knackered from staying awake and watching the Inbetweeners after I’ve fed her because I’m then awake, I have to get him to swap with me! So there’s a tip if your a mum to be- even when you don’t feel tired, subliminally you are! Don’t do anything but try and sleep otherwise it’s worse! So when it comes to the weekend, I’m in bed bitcheessss and Mark will take her down when she starts! Hats off to you single mums out there- I think I’d struggle if I was on my own, I’d have to move in with my mum even though she’d get on my tits haha!
  • Hormones. Yes- they are fucking horrendous. I feel extremely sensitive at the moment! Anyone so much as raises a voice to me and I cry like a bitch! I’m extremely self conscious of myself at the moment too- I know I’ve just had a baby, but I can’t help it! As the weeks are plodding on, (can you believe she’ll be 5 weeks on Monday!!!!) I am slowly getting back to ‘normal’ but very hard when your tired! Still, when my mum takes her for a bit so we can sleep- I just cry. For them first few split seconds, I actually want to die! I feel nothing when she’s not here!! Takes me a good half an hour to pull myself together- crazy! I’m getting a bit better at that now too as I know that if I don’t look after myself, I can’t look after her to the best of my ability- which takes me to….
  • Time. Sounds funny really but you really feel like you have zero time to yourself anymore! When your not feeding/cuddling/winding the baby, your sterilising bottles ahead for your next feed and before you know it, your back to feeding!! Brooke’s times her feeds bloody perfectly- the second I go to make my tea or I sit down to eat it, she starts! So I’m barely eating and when I do, 9/10 it’s cold! I still can’t bath yet, (a week on Monday, not like I’m counting or anything….🤪) so I’m sure when I do, I can have my me time then and proper relax! Me and Mark get our time together again when my mum has her- he just has to bare with the tears at first haha! We’ve got a night away together next week though so I can’t wait! And it has a jacuzzi bath! 😍😍

All this as well as the stages of recovery when your in pain….it’s hard, but I wouldn’t change anything in the world about my life now! I don’t overall actually care about the above points mentioned because I’d do anything for her! There have been times where I’ve sat up all night with her, I love singing to her- I’m going to make sure she likes decent music haha!! I also know this phase won’t last forever also, she will one day sleep through, so I’m just winging it to be honest! It might sound bad but I can’t wait until she’s like 4/5 months old! That’s my favourite age but at the same point, I’m enjoying every bit of her like this! Like I said above- we have been having a bit of a colic stage so we’ve been on the Infacol and the gripe water haha but nothing really works that great to be honest! We even tried the comfort milk for colic and constipation but all that did was bung her up more and make her shit green haha and sometimes, she’ll cry for nothing because she’s a baby! My mum tries to find a fault, ‘oh she looks in pain’, she’s not believe me, it’s usually because she’s greedy and wants more milk or she wants a cuddle lol, ‘oh she has spots on her face, looks like a rash’, no Mum they are milk spots…hahaha honestly even I’m not like that over her! Maybe I should be I don’t know haha! Health visitors are happy with her and everything we’re doing- so that’s fine by me! I’ve booked on a postnatal yoga class and I can take madam with me! That should be fun- imagine if she cries the whole time! 😂😂 But it’s so I can work on myself and getting back in shape! I’ve also been looking at swimming sessions for her in November as she is a lot better in the bath now but she’s still not a water baby, (ironic when her name is Brooke) but with us going to Florida in January- I want her to get used to the pool! I still need to get her passport sorted! I have a feeling it’s all just going to be mad and manic until January and until the wedding but then we should finally get a bit of normality back! 

Road to recovery continued…

Day 8

Ouch. Second time going to the toilet for a poo and oh my gosh….absolute flamin’ agony!!!!!! Really painful!! My bits are sorer than ever because of where the stitches are! All I can do is get in the shower and wee myself in there so the water helps with the stinging! Really good advice if your in the same boat or this happens to you. I’d heard about keeping pads in the fridge but it personally didn’t work for me! It’s a shame as now my boobs aren’t hurting and all my swelling has gone- this is the only problem to deal with now. The worst part was later on in the day, I’d gone for another poo and it was worse! I thought that it didn’t seem right and then I remembered I had a haemorrhoid before labour so I had a check and oh yes!! That’s why it was hurting so much!! I just used good old metanium and managed to get a doctors appointment as hell no way on earth was I going to suffer with them bastard things whilst already in pain! Weight is falling off without even doing anything- all I’ve been doing is eating my healthy meal preps but I’ve noticed (in my mind) bad stretch marks on my tummy from where I’ve lost the weight so rapidly. I’m not overly bothered- those marks show the best thing in the world happened to me- my Brookie!! I’m using bio oil and hopefully when I can get back training, they won’t look as bad! 

Day 9

So went to the doctors and she checked me over- got some cream for my haemorrhoids and she said how good my stitches were looking and how neat they looked and whoever did it has done a good job lol!! I mentioned about the stingy bit and said how painful it was and she said it could be like that for a while but it’s looking better and healing well. I still can’t bear to look! 😔 She was more concerned about reading how much blood is lost and yet I don’t feel like I’m anaemic! I feel more lethargic at times but I’m putting that to getting up every morning at 5am with little miss! I just feel sore from that fucking stingy bit lol! Like I said too, I just want a bath as it feels better whilst I’m in and after a shower but hey ho! 🙄 

Day 10 & Day 11

Well apart from some painful poo’s due to haemorrhoids and being a tad sore below obviously, I actually don’t feel too bad! I’m now not taking any tablets apart from my iron ones and ibuprofen as I personally feel like I don’t need anything else! Apart from having visitors and running errands, nothing much going on so no point me waffling on! 

Day 12

So Brooke’s little photoshoot today! This was eventful lol! Firstly I’d been up at 5am with her and had a bit of diarrhoea so I was worried that I’d have it all day. Luckily not! Me and my mum took her to her shoot as to be honest, I thought Mark would end up getting bored whereas my mum would love it! So firstly, I couldn’t work out how to get the car seat to attach to the pram- stupid travel system! Honestly, why the fuck are these contraptions so difficult!!! Anyway, we got told not to bring a pram as the studio was up two flights of stairs so I just thought I’d take the car seat as I could carry her up the stairs in that and she wouldn’t be in it long! I just couldn’t get it on as not really had a good play around with the pram  so I just ended up lugging her about in the car seat which was fine. Secondly- the shoot was going brilliantly and she was really good through it but she did start winding up for a bottle. I’d asked my mum to grab one and throw it in the changing bag to which she did but we’re using Mam bottles and she didn’t put in the rubber thing out of the bottom which means the milk just pisses out! Lucky we were in the town centre so I sent her to boots to just grab a starter pack! 😂😂 Brooke had that and was fine again so we continued with her shoot but when the photographer went to get a photo of her feet, she asked me to hold her bum up which ended up with her pissing on me! 😂😂😂 Honestly! What s pissing morning lol! When the shoot finished, me and my mum grabbed a bite to eat and got back. Me and mark then popped to his mum and dads where we weren’t going to be long but turns out we were and I hadn’t grabbed her changing bag like a dumbass- but again, j didn’t anticipate a long stay…Brooke got really cranky as she had really bad trapped wind and then was hungry! I was the one trying to calm her and I was getting stressed because I didn’t grab her bag! Baby brain is unreal because I really do feel like a potato and even though I look after kids, having a newborn is totally new to me! I’m not used to having to be mega organised and going out is no longer ‘right I’m ready let’s go’, it’s getting a bag, having everything in it for every case scenario, car seat….nightmare basically!! 😂😂 I’m being easy on myself though, it’s not even been 2 weeks and I’m smashing my recovery when they said it would take 8-12 weeks! I’ll get used to it soon lol! 

Day 13

Hormonal mess. I don’t know what the hell is up with me today! Firstly after yesterday where Brooke was cranky, she’d woke up at 4am instead of 5am and she just wasn’t settling! She’s in pain with all her trapped wind bless her! So I took her downstairs, gave her a bottle and we had a cuddle and chill- I even cried singing to her again! It’s like certain songs have deeper meanings to them thanks to the lyrics and then for some reason I was thinking in my head ‘I’m actually scared to die one day because I never want to not to be there for her’. Fuck sake honestly! I’ve never been bothered about dying, unfortunately it’s life! I don’t even know why the thought entered my mind lol! So eventually she did settle and I stopped being a mard arse lol so I went to lie down on the sofa when I farted and shat myself. Fabulous. So I left her in her Moses basket whilst I Usain Bolted’ it to the bathroom and yeah- absolute mess we shall say. Then I vomited so after cleaning it all up and sorted myself out, by the time I came back down, it happened again!!!!! So repeat of what just happened then Brooke woke up again and was awake until 11:30am in which time, I had to get ready because we were going to my mums for a barbecue and she could show Brooke off to people who hadn’t met her! Anyway, later on in the evening when we’d got home, I was sore from just sitting up all day and all I wanted to do was lie down and chill. I’d barely eaten all day because my stomach felt off all day and I was tired…I started sterilising all her bottles and just burst into tears! I came in the living room to get something and Mark was sat with Brooke wondering what the hell was wrong with me! I sat down and he went to put Brooke in the Moses basket to comfort me but I told him to just leave me and give me a minute. He looked at me all concerned whilst I slouched in Baymax, (pregnancy pillow, which by the way, is much better for after birth! Great support whilst feeding the baby!) and asked me what was wrong to which I replied, ‘I don’t know!’ So we both started laughing! I think it was the fact I was tired, sore and felt unwell! Honestly! I’ve been really worried about getting post natal as I have and still suffer occasionally with spouts of mental health issues. I NEVER use it as an excuse for anything, I just plod on and when it’s really bad, I tend to shut myself away for a day and then I pull myself together but I don’t want to have all this shit now I have her! I’m determined to not get depressed and spoil this time with her. I’ve gone through enough crap this year without enjoying her! End of.

Day 14

So today we had the health visitor and she was really lovely! Turns out she’s also pregnant with her first baby haha so she was giving me baby advice whilst I was talking to her about labour as she’s terrified! See, even the professionals get nervous about child birth! I asked her about Brooke’s wind- it’s honestly not that bad but she is suffering at times but she’s eating and pooing fine- she just mentioned about infacol so I’ve ordered her some and we’ve booked on a class to learn baby massage as that can really help! I like the thought of doing that anyway as me and Mark love a good pamper so if we can pamper her then even better- plus if we can help her not be in pain then that’s a bonus! We then headed off to Costco to stock up ready for Mark to start back at work tomorrow- god it took us so long to get round as everyone was coming over to admire her haha!! Mark felt like an extremely proud dad whilst I’m trying to not forget what I’m getting due to baby brain Hahahaha!! 

So quick update now as I’m not going to write everyday of my life when I actually feel 100% my old self now lol! I’d say I’d bore you but the amount of other things that have happened…Let’s just say my life is far from boring lol! But yes, I’m not sore anymore, my boobs have stopped leaking, I still get extremely hormonal at times- I’m extremely sensitive at the moment and feeling stressed- not with baby but just in general people mithering me and asking me to do stuff for them when my head is just not in it! People commenting on what I should and shouldn’t do with her…..but I’m too focused on Brooke which is exactly what I should be! Fuck everyone quite frankly as what does anyone do for me apart from cause me stress! I also get tired at times obviously and I’m trying to rest as and when I can- hard when you can hear loads of kids running around the house! Some parents aren’t also getting used to the fact I’m not working, I’m getting messages left, right and centre because they are seeing me sat in the living room in the morning, appearing fine but it’s hard as it is obviously my home AND workplace. It’s a tough balance! And hats fucking off to you single mums out there as I couldn’t imagine doing this on my own! But to all you fellow mums out there- we are all winging it and we got this! 💪🏻 My body seems to be getting back to normal too- I’ll be doing a postpartum blog post about my body at some point! The only thing I will say is my ribs still hurt, especially the side that Brooke’s foot was in haha!! I genuinely think it’s cracked or fractured but no point in any commotion over it as nothing anyone can do to fix it lol! I’ve also had a letter through to get my wisdom tooth out now too so il end up being back in bastard hospital soon!! Honestly, after this year I want a fucking year hospital free!! I mean a year stress free also would be awesome but don’t think that will ever happen until the day I drop down dead.

Road to recovery

The first week to recovery has been the toughest, however, it hasn’t been as bad as what I thought if I’m honest! I thought I’d do a day to day write up of how it’s been for me…

Day 1

The hours after labour in hospital when the epidural wore off was the most painful. My bits, (vagina- I just hate the word lol) honestly hasn’t hurt, however, there is a part of my perineum, (the bit after your bits, going to your bum) that I tore that is absolute fucking agony!! Whenever I wee, I can just feel it absolutely stinging and then it burns!!! It’s hard to sit down and to stand up but once I’m actually up/down, it’s ok! The first wee was awful- but not as bad as I thought it would be!!I think the worst part is that you can’t wipe, you can only dab and I hadn’t looked down there, I don’t intend on doing either, but it feels like- I can imagine one of Leatherface’s mask! I feel and think it looks big, swollen, red, bloody and sewn up!!! I was dying to shower so I did and another grim bit- you can’t use soap! So I personally think it absolutely stinks but the Midwife’s checking said it didn’t at all and it was normal! She obviously checked my stitches before I went home and she said how black it was and how sore it must be! 🤢 Tell you what, I wouldn’t do that job in a million years!! Thank god lots of brave ladies do lol! Imagine looking at bits all day and poking about in them lol! Anyway, as soon as the drugs started to work, (when I eventually got them 🤪) and honestly like I said, holding your baby…You forget about the pain and even if you do feel it, you just somehow don’t care at all! The cannula however was pissing me off as it was still in my right hand and lifting Brooke out of the cot was difficult- even feeding her and I struggled sitting up for a long period of time because my feet were dangling off the side of the bed and I could feel my feet swelling really badly. 

Day 2

Ok so this is the day I came home. So firstly I told the midwife to get the cannula out of my hand because I’d sat up with Brooke all night winding her due to her choking on her mucus,  I had to use that hand so it was incredibly swollen and going purple! As soon as they got that out, it felt swollen and sore but sooo much better! I felt numb in places but I literally didn’t care or say anything- I just wanted to come home! When we did, I was in agony that night and my hormones were bloody everywhere- I couldn’t stop crying! I thought I was getting post natal depression already and I’d only been in the door 5 minutes!!! That was hard- I don’t really know what I was expecting?! All this time suffering, I just ‘assumed’ that I’d be fine, just soooore!! You hear people saying, ‘Oh you just feel your old self as soon as babies out!’ You fucking don’t. Whoever says this is a big, fat bullshitter. Like I said, you kind of get through the pain as painkillers mask it and cuddles with your baby just helps but no way do I feel ‘myself’. I had hallucinations like I said but think that was through sheer exhaustion and tablets lol! I’m on Paracetamol, Ibuprofen, Dihydrocodeine, (that’s the one I hate taking as I feel so fucking wired off it and I can’t hold Brooke properly when I take it as it makes me drowsy and delirious) Ferrous Fumarate which is iron for my blood loss and Lactulose to help keep my poo soft when I do eventually go to toilet! Not going to lie, the thought of that absolutely puts the fear of god in me!!!! I’m swollen everywhere too, especially my hands and feet- it’s awful! I also had a shower and washed my hair as I felt like crap but I went into shock after it- my whole body just wouldn’t stop shaking and I was really shivering- just like I did in labour, so I had to scream Mark to come and help me! Oh and Dora also hates me and Brooke, she won’t come anywhere near us but Diego! Omg he’s gone so loving and cuddly- he hasn’t left her side!!! I’m so shocked! 

Day 3

The midwife came over for our first visit and she was lovely! She thought Brooke had a bit of jaundice and wanted to do a blood test to check she was ok as explained if not- we’d have to go back into the hospital. As she did it, Brooke again, didn’t flinch! We got the results at 17:17pm and she was in middle bracket for having it- if it reached the higher then I’d have to go back into hospital for a night with her so they could put her under the light BUT because she had seen her feed, poo and wee whilst she was here, she was happy for us to continue what we were doing at home without going in!! Wahoo! As far as myself, I actually felt fine so we actually nipped out to get some bits- I’d bought a Chicco next to me cot as Brooke didn’t do too well in the Moses basket- I think because she couldn’t see us in it and it’s quite deep so I can’t hold her hand, she just wouldn’t settle properly. So we went to get that, nipped into boots to get some more maternity pads (buy loads lol) and bobbed into Tesco to get some healthy snacks along with my meal prep that I ordered and have been eating whilst I recover, and came home! My ankles flipping ballooned right up!! Even walking up the stairs, I could feel water swishing around in them!! Awful! I’ve kept them elevated, Marks been massaging them to push it all around, even my mum did, and I’ve been using cold compresses on them! I also felt a bit sore- probably after the walking about so I then decided I’d chill and relax! That cot is fantastic as well and Brooke was so much more settled!!!! Highly recommend it!! Dora actually looks sad and it’s heartbreaking! She really wants me but she’s just so jealous so I’ve been trying to leave her by stroke her when she comes to me but she actually bit me! I was devastated as she’s never bit me. That set me off in tears! Bloody hormones. 😩

Day 4

Worst day. I woke up and felt as though I’d done a full body work out in the gym. My boobs felt like bricks which were agony!!! The swelling was worse, I was obviously sore down there and I just felt a bit down! It’s weird as I’m really euphoric at the moment but then I just feel a bit sad- almost like having bipolar. I was holding Brooke just singing to her whilst stroking her face and I cried for no reason!! Bloody hormones again! I think it’s just the amount of pain I’m in to be honest. Even holding her hurts because of my boobs! I kept snapping at Mark too but I think it was just sheer jealousy because he felt his normal self and could just hold her without being in all this pain. I felt so bad for him too for having a pop at him lol so I bought him a pair of Jordan’s! 😂 I’d also gone into shock again, felt really cold and flu like and I passed a couple of pound coin sized clots which freaked me out but unless they are like a golf ball size, they are better out than in as I checked with my midwife. I knew going out yesterday after 3 days lol, I’d overdone it but I’m not one to sit around moping and to be honest, I thought getting out and about would somehow sort me out! All I was dying to do was have a bath due to being achy but I have to wait 6 weeks. Devastated. 

Day 5

I woke up and felt pretty much ‘normal!’ Apart from the usual swelling, my boobs were killing and sore BUT, I didn’t feel as mongy as what I have been doing and I didn’t feel like my brain was potato! I still have no concept of time or days! It’s genuinely like being on holiday where your just chilling out by the pool with no idea what’s going on! It’s amazing actually! I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this in my life whilst at home!! Especially as I hate my house now lol! Good thing is, all noisy neighbours have fucked off so we will have a new neighbour now after the council have fixed up the house and the other noisy ones have pissed off for the six weeks half term! Hopefully we don’t have a dickhead moving in! Wahooo, that would be all we need lol!! I actually managed to get a bit of vodka in me tonight too! I passed another clot but it was only small compared to the day before!! I honestly think if my swelling of my hands and feet calmed down and my boobs didn’t hurt, I’d be ok! Well minus the occasional hormonal spurts lol! 

Day 6

Woke up at 5:36am to swap turns with Mark on feeding Brooke and noticed her little belly button tag had fallen off!! I was buzzing as I was dying to give her a little bath! We’d obviously been wiping her down but it’s not the same as a proper little bath! I love the smell of babies after a bath! 😍 My swelling in my hands and feet has started to go down and I can’t believe how skinny my feet look lol!!! I’ve been so used to seeing them look like elephant feet that I forgot how skinny they normally are!! My hands are a lot better and not as  swollen too and my boobs aren’t as sore….however….When we bathed Brooke, she screamed the whole time haha and I’d just got the shower myself so I only had a towel on and when Mark was getting Brooke dry and dressed, I started to sort myself out when milk started leaking from both nipples and was dripping all down my belly! Me and Mark were pissing ourselves laughing as it was like my boobs were crying with her! I grabbed some breast pads and asked him to help put my bra on so I wouldn’t just be stood there with milk dripping out of me! 😂😂 Oh so worth it after that though as I was just cuddling Brooke for ages and she smelt amazing! 😍😍 I definitely think newborn baby smell beats the smell of petrol now for me! Midwife came for the second time and discharged us today as Brooke is absolutely fine and she seems happy with how I am! So far so good lol! 

Day 7

I actually can’t believe it’s already been a week! It’s mental! I literally feel like it was yesterday!!! Managed to go to the toilet today for a poo- I was terrified but actually, it really wasn’t that bad!!! It’s just worse in your mind! I also booked to get my nails done as I had them done about 2 weeks before I gave birth and they’d gone ridiculously long!!!! It wasn’t at my house though which meant leaving Brooke with Mark for a couple of hours! I put her in her car seat and started crying!!!! I haven’t left her side since having her and I’ve mainly been holding her!! I felt really stupid for crying as I’m going to have to go out and do stuff without her eventually lol but I couldn’t stop!! Once I was out, I was fine and I knew she was as she was with Mark! It is funny though how much you change! Like I said, I didn’t want children and my pregnancy was a shock but I couldn’t imagine her not being here!!! People try and make me feel bad because I say things like this but I’m an honest, open book. I don’t bullshit people and my daughter will know that I love her with every inch of me and she’s made my life complete! I can’t help my initial reaction and no I didn’t plan her but genuinely- I thought I couldn’t love anything more than Mark, but that’s gone right out of the window! I’ve never felt like this in my whole life!! I just don’t give a shit about anything apart from her at the moment! Not myself, not other people- nothing at all even comes close! We’ve even been sleeping great and taking it in turns- Mark will feed her about 2/3am and il sort her out about 5/6am but every little noise she makes, BOOM I’m awake, asking Mark if she’s ok and if he wants to swap with me! 😂😂 I’m really not bothered if I had to sit up with her all night every night, as I’m just in awe of her and I could stare at her all the time! Infact, I’ve even tried watching telly this week- everytime I’ve put something on, it just ends up being background noise! Honestly I’ve never been so happy and content!