Hello everyone- I’m so so sorry I’ve not posted for a couple of weeks- It’s. Been. CRAZY!!!!
Firstly I cannot believe Brooke is 8 weeks old?!?! Well, she’ll be 9 weeks tomorrow! Absolutely mad how fast it’s gone, it’s been a blur! She’s grown so much and she weighs 11 pounds bless her! Her cheeks haven’t half filled out- she’s definitely got my hamster cheeks!! Can really see now that she’s a good mix of us both! I’ve just been so busy trying to rebuild my business and got back ups in place incase! Last weekend I had to redo my paediatric first aid course with Millie’s Trust and it was so good! If you don’t know about Millie’s trust as I do have alot of overseas readers then give it a google but be prepared for tears! Heartbreaking! Reading or hearing about things where children dying, it now makes it so much more upsetting when you have your own- so having the weekend away from her over two whole days, when you hear awfully sad stories and then you perform cpr on a manikin baby….You can imagine the tears lol!! Seriously though I recommend everyone to do a paediatric first aid course!! Especially new parents!! Then of course we had her first jabs which were awful!!! I broke my heart in the room- the nurse ended up comforting me whilst my mum was comforting Brooke lol! I don’t know which one of us cried more! Seriously awful! I’d never heard her scream like it and honestly it went right through me. Then we had a few days of hell with her because she was so clingy, she wasn’t taking her feeds and she was sleepy but she was fighting it off! Literally nothing we could do except give her loads of cuddles! She seems ok now though, we’ll, apart from the colic and reflux! I stopped the gaviscon- she was actually throwing up more and I didn’t want her to risk her being constipated too! So actually not using anything but massage definitely seems to help and also she loves sitting up so we just let her chill on our legs propped or keep her sat upright after winding her! We’ve also found she sleeps better on her belly and that helps with the wind as well!
Secondly the house is still a wreck but we’re slowly getting there! It’s been exciting redecorating again! I love interior designing and I’m obsessed with houses! All brand new wallpaper, paint, accessories- bathroom has a jacuzzi bath and a walk in ultimate shower with massage jets lol!! Then I’ve got to sort all new carpets/ flooring out and I’ve even been on my ‘Hinch haul’ to really clean everywhere when it’s all done! If you don’t know what a ‘Hinch haul’ is….Mrs Hinch on Instagram! Amazing lady that gives great cleaning tips so get a follow on if your obsessed with cleaning or when you can’t be arsed to- we all have them days- then it will give you some inspiration!! Can’t wait til it’s all finished and snug for the winter!
Thirdly- As if all what I’ve mentioned above isn’t enough….I’ve also been checking off my wedding list of things to still arrange! I’ve got Brooke’s dress this week and my flowers sorted but I’ve still got to get our rings, park tickets for Florida, sort out a flight for my makeup friend and Mark still needs a suit and shoes!!! Fuck me, il be so happy when this wedding is done so I can bloody chill and relax!! I won’t be arranging fuck all once it’s done lol! People have been asking if we’re having a christening! A fucking christening!! Like I haven’t got enough on lol! The answer is no anyway, but I might look into a naming ceremony but I will happily let Mark do it lol!! Honestly I’m surprised that I’m not a size 0 with all this stress lol but I’m actually really calm right now as I know it needs doing and I am the one that has to do it! I still have bad baby brain too and still with diaries and notes everywhere- I’m still useless! Seriously I don’t recommend having a baby so close to your wedding! I’ve got the stress also of losing 3 stone by January to fit in my dress! Kill me!! 😩😂
Anyway, now you know why I haven’t had chance to do a post so again, sincere apologies and il try my best to not slack off on them lol!!
Right I had my ‘BF’ (bitch fit- white chicks) last week but I’m back on board! Literally everything was going wrong last week; my business, then my house, Brooke’s got reflux so she’s been really difficult and every time I tried to fix/solve a problem, about 4 were smacking me back! I have been down a lot but can you blame me?! This without a doubt has been the toughest time of my life. It’s enough of a challenge with a newborn, sleep deprived, hormones and all that without everything else going on! I can’t even have a bath/shower in my own house! It’s been really hard…
So firstly il talk about Brooke- she’s not been right herself the past week: really grouchy, screaming, hiccups and then she started to refuse milk and being sick, so then it was time to go to the doctors where they have said she’s got reflux!! It’s karma for giving it to me for 38+ weeks! 😂😂 Aww bless her, I can fully sympathise with her! She’s got to have the lovely gaviscon in with her milk now, it’s only been 2 days but she seems loads better! She’s also got colic so she has been hard work because she’s not been sleeping properly on the day/night and like I said, she’s been refusing feeds so she’s a bit all over! I’ve kept her bedtime routine going though so she has some normality still- it’s also been hard moving her about here, there and everywhere whilst we clean ourselves! MARE!
Now I’m going to talk about me. Not only mentally have I had a strain but I have physically too! I’ve already had my first period last week and that was horrible! I’m so self conscious about my body/ face, (I am still writing about my post partum body journey, so I won’t talk about this bit really) and thanks to hormones, I’m still suffering with some pregnancy symptoms,,,.tonsil stones. Devastated! I had a huge one lodged in so I had to get it out as it was causing pain! Still the grimmest thing ever. I’ve also had bad swelling in my feet and hands again too! Still can’t wear my engagement ring and ai can’t go and get our wedding bands yet because of it! I’ve got some water retention tablets to take to help get rid of it! I’ve also been getting physio on my neck because it’s buggered but the guy cracked my back and that’s also hurting! Doesn’t help when I’m slouching to feed Brooke! I still can’t train at the gym properly- all I’m allowed to do is walk but as usual, the weathers crap!!
So with everything….can I fix a problem. No. Can I change anything. No. So should I stress out and try? No. I’ve finally realised who I am! I am a control freak. I like things done a certain way and if it’s not then I freak out. I’ve also realised that I am a perfectionist. I don’t like it when my life’s in tatters because I want a perfect life! Stupid. Normally I don’t share my problems because I feel weak showing others my vulnerability but I’ve realised that when you are at a low point, it’s best to be an open book. Talking about a problem, helps to realise that it’s not all bad! I’m looking positively. It might be destined that Mark gets a new job. We were lucky I couldn’t bath or have Brooke in with me as we could have gone through the floor. I’m going to get a brand new bathroom, carpet, walls and I can choose everything and get some control back- 🤪 just kidding hahahahaha but I can do my favourite hobby which is interior design! I might even look at becoming an estate agent in the future because I’m so obsessed with homes lol! I don’t know what my life is anymore so I’m just going with it and trying to not stress and worry so much as my most important thing is Brooke.
Where to start! First things first I’m utterly and completely in love with Brooke it’s insane! Literally, I’ve never felt this way about anything in my life! The way she looks at me with her massive blue eyes, when I feed her and sing to her and she grabs my finger and looks at me, the little noises she makes, the wind ‘smiles’, (seriously, I can’t wait until we get real smiles as these fake ones melt me!) her snoring, her smell- especially after a bath! Honestly if they could bottle a newborn baby smell mixed with Johnson’s baby bath, it would beatMademoiselle for me!! I love her little pout…..she’s just perfect and I’ve never been so in love. It’s a hard job- I’m not going to lie! I’ve had a couple of melt downs and I’ve been exhausted and I’ve needed some me time- I feel fine but I’m desperate to get back to the gym and I’m frustrated I still can’t bath yet so I feel grim and I look grim despite everyone telling me otherwise! 😂😂 It weird to imagine her not being here with us now!
I think the hardest things of becoming a mother are;
Tiredness- 100% the hardest! Probably more so for me as most new mums will get a proper maternity leave which means they can rest properly…I don’t! Plus the new neighbour next door has been placed so more noise. Wooo! So this ‘sleep when baby sleeps’ is utter bullshit to me! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a bedtime routine from day 1 so she usually does sleep well- she just wakes for her feed every 3/4 hours but we’ve had a few nights of colic and constipation so that’s been tough at times! I’ve been sleeping on the sofa in the week whilst Marks been working so he can rest but when I get too knackered from staying awake and watching the Inbetweeners after I’ve fed her because I’m then awake, I have to get him to swap with me! So there’s a tip if your a mum to be- even when you don’t feel tired, subliminally you are! Don’t do anything but try and sleep otherwise it’s worse! So when it comes to the weekend, I’m in bed bitcheessss and Mark will take her down when she starts! Hats off to you single mums out there- I think I’d struggle if I was on my own, I’d have to move in with my mum even though she’d get on my tits haha!
Hormones. Yes- they are fucking horrendous. I feel extremely sensitive at the moment! Anyone so much as raises a voice to me and I cry like a bitch! I’m extremely self conscious of myself at the moment too- I know I’ve just had a baby, but I can’t help it! As the weeks are plodding on, (can you believe she’ll be 5 weeks on Monday!!!!) I am slowly getting back to ‘normal’ but very hard when your tired! Still, when my mum takes her for a bit so we can sleep- I just cry. For them first few split seconds, I actually want to die! I feel nothing when she’s not here!! Takes me a good half an hour to pull myself together- crazy! I’m getting a bit better at that now too as I know that if I don’t look after myself, I can’t look after her to the best of my ability- which takes me to….
Time. Sounds funny really but you really feel like you have zero time to yourself anymore! When your not feeding/cuddling/winding the baby, your sterilising bottles ahead for your next feed and before you know it, your back to feeding!! Brooke’s times her feeds bloody perfectly- the second I go to make my tea or I sit down to eat it, she starts! So I’m barely eating and when I do, 9/10 it’s cold! I still can’t bath yet, (a week on Monday, not like I’m counting or anything….🤪) so I’m sure when I do, I can have my me time then and proper relax! Me and Mark get our time together again when my mum has her- he just has to bare with the tears at first haha! We’ve got a night away together next week though so I can’t wait! And it has a jacuzzi bath! 😍😍
All this as well as the stages of recovery when your in pain….it’s hard, but I wouldn’t change anything in the world about my life now! I don’t overall actually care about the above points mentioned because I’d do anything for her! There have been times where I’ve sat up all night with her, I love singing to her- I’m going to make sure she likes decent music haha!! I also know this phase won’t last forever also, she will one day sleep through, so I’m just winging it to be honest! It might sound bad but I can’t wait until she’s like 4/5 months old! That’s my favourite age but at the same point, I’m enjoying every bit of her like this! Like I said above- we have been having a bit of a colic stage so we’ve been on the Infacol and the gripe water haha but nothing really works that great to be honest! We even tried the comfort milk for colic and constipation but all that did was bung her up more and make her shit green haha and sometimes, she’ll cry for nothing because she’s a baby! My mum tries to find a fault, ‘oh she looks in pain’, she’s not believe me, it’s usually because she’s greedy and wants more milk or she wants a cuddle lol, ‘oh she has spots on her face, looks like a rash’, no Mum they are milk spots…hahaha honestly even I’m not like that over her! Maybe I should be I don’t know haha! Health visitors are happy with her and everything we’re doing- so that’s fine by me! I’ve booked on a postnatal yoga class and I can take madam with me! That should be fun- imagine if she cries the whole time! 😂😂 But it’s so I can work on myself and getting back in shape! I’ve also been looking at swimming sessions for her in November as she is a lot better in the bath now but she’s still not a water baby, (ironic when her name is Brooke) but with us going to Florida in January- I want her to get used to the pool! I still need to get her passport sorted! I have a feeling it’s all just going to be mad and manic until January and until the wedding but then we should finally get a bit of normality back!
Ouch. Second time going to the toilet for a poo and oh my gosh….absolute flamin’ agony!!!!!! Really painful!! My bits are sorer than ever because of where the stitches are! All I can do is get in the shower and wee myself in there so the water helps with the stinging! Really good advice if your in the same boat or this happens to you. I’d heard about keeping pads in the fridge but it personally didn’t work for me! It’s a shame as now my boobs aren’t hurting and all my swelling has gone- this is the only problem to deal with now. The worst part was later on in the day, I’d gone for another poo and it was worse! I thought that it didn’t seem right and then I remembered I had a haemorrhoid before labour so I had a check and oh yes!! That’s why it was hurting so much!! I just used good old metanium and managed to get a doctors appointment as hell no way on earth was I going to suffer with them bastard things whilst already in pain! Weight is falling off without even doing anything- all I’ve been doing is eating my healthy meal preps but I’ve noticed (in my mind) bad stretch marks on my tummy from where I’ve lost the weight so rapidly. I’m not overly bothered- those marks show the best thing in the world happened to me- my Brookie!! I’m using bio oil and hopefully when I can get back training, they won’t look as bad!
So went to the doctors and she checked me over- got some cream for my haemorrhoids and she said how good my stitches were looking and how neat they looked and whoever did it has done a good job lol!! I mentioned about the stingy bit and said how painful it was and she said it could be like that for a while but it’s looking better and healing well. I still can’t bear to look! 😔 She was more concerned about reading how much blood is lost and yet I don’t feel like I’m anaemic! I feel more lethargic at times but I’m putting that to getting up every morning at 5am with little miss! I just feel sore from that fucking stingy bit lol! Like I said too, I just want a bath as it feels better whilst I’m in and after a shower but hey ho! 🙄
Day 10 & Day 11
Well apart from some painful poo’s due to haemorrhoids and being a tad sore below obviously, I actually don’t feel too bad! I’m now not taking any tablets apart from my iron ones and ibuprofen as I personally feel like I don’t need anything else! Apart from having visitors and running errands, nothing much going on so no point me waffling on!
So Brooke’s little photoshoot today! This was eventful lol! Firstly I’d been up at 5am with her and had a bit of diarrhoea so I was worried that I’d have it all day. Luckily not! Me and my mum took her to her shoot as to be honest, I thought Mark would end up getting bored whereas my mum would love it! So firstly, I couldn’t work out how to get the car seat to attach to the pram- stupid travel system! Honestly, why the fuck are these contraptions so difficult!!! Anyway, we got told not to bring a pram as the studio was up two flights of stairs so I just thought I’d take the car seat as I could carry her up the stairs in that and she wouldn’t be in it long! I just couldn’t get it on as not really had a good play around with the pramso I just ended up lugging her about in the car seat which was fine. Secondly- the shoot was going brilliantly and she was really good through it but she did start winding up for a bottle. I’d asked my mum to grab one and throw it in the changing bag to which she did but we’re using Mam bottles and she didn’t put in the rubber thing out of the bottom which means the milk just pisses out! Lucky we were in the town centre so I sent her to boots to just grab a starter pack! 😂😂 Brooke had that and was fine again so we continued with her shoot but when the photographer went to get a photo of her feet, she asked me to hold her bum up which ended up with her pissing on me! 😂😂😂 Honestly! What s pissing morning lol! When the shoot finished, me and my mum grabbed a bite to eat and got back. Me and mark then popped to his mum and dads where we weren’t going to be long but turns out we were and I hadn’t grabbed her changing bag like a dumbass- but again, j didn’t anticipate a long stay…Brooke got really cranky as she had really bad trapped wind and then was hungry! I was the one trying to calm her and I was getting stressed because I didn’t grab her bag! Baby brain is unreal because I really do feel like a potato and even though I look after kids, having a newborn is totally new to me! I’m not used to having to be mega organised and going out is no longer ‘right I’m ready let’s go’, it’s getting a bag, having everything in it for every case scenario, car seat….nightmare basically!! 😂😂 I’m being easy on myself though, it’s not even been 2 weeks and I’m smashing my recovery when they said it would take 8-12 weeks! I’ll get used to it soon lol!
Hormonal mess. I don’t know what the hell is up with me today! Firstly after yesterday where Brooke was cranky, she’d woke up at 4am instead of 5am and she just wasn’t settling! She’s in pain with all her trapped wind bless her! So I took her downstairs, gave her a bottle and we had a cuddle and chill- I even cried singing to her again! It’s like certain songs have deeper meanings to them thanks to the lyrics and then for some reason I was thinking in my head ‘I’m actually scared to die one day because I never want to not to be there for her’. Fuck sake honestly! I’ve never been bothered about dying, unfortunately it’s life! I don’t even know why the thought entered my mind lol! So eventually she did settle and I stopped being a mard arse lol so I went to lie down on the sofa when I farted and shat myself. Fabulous. So I left her in her Moses basket whilst I Usain Bolted’ it to the bathroom and yeah- absolute mess we shall say. Then I vomited so after cleaning it all up and sorted myself out, by the time I came back down, it happened again!!!!! So repeat of what just happened then Brooke woke up again and was awake until 11:30am in which time, I had to get ready because we were going to my mums for a barbecue and she could show Brooke off to people who hadn’t met her! Anyway, later on in the evening when we’d got home, I was sore from just sitting up all day and all I wanted to do was lie down and chill. I’d barely eaten all day because my stomach felt off all day and I was tired…I started sterilising all her bottles and just burst into tears! I came in the living room to get something and Mark was sat with Brooke wondering what the hell was wrong with me! I sat down and he went to put Brooke in the Moses basket to comfort me but I told him to just leave me and give me a minute. He looked at me all concerned whilst I slouched in Baymax, (pregnancy pillow, which by the way, is much better for after birth! Great support whilst feeding the baby!) and asked me what was wrong to which I replied, ‘I don’t know!’ So we both started laughing! I think it was the fact I was tired, sore and felt unwell! Honestly! I’ve been really worried about getting post natal as I have and still suffer occasionally with spouts of mental health issues. I NEVER use it as an excuse for anything, I just plod on and when it’s really bad, I tend to shut myself away for a day and then I pull myself together but I don’t want to have all this shit now I have her! I’m determined to not get depressed and spoil this time with her. I’ve gone through enough crap this year without enjoying her! End of.
So today we had the health visitor and she was really lovely! Turns out she’s also pregnant with her first baby haha so she was giving me baby advice whilst I was talking to her about labour as she’s terrified! See, even the professionals get nervous about child birth! I asked her about Brooke’s wind- it’s honestly not that bad but she is suffering at times but she’s eating and pooing fine- she just mentioned about infacol so I’ve ordered her some and we’ve booked on a class to learn baby massage as that can really help! I like the thought of doing that anyway as me and Mark love a good pamper so if we can pamper her then even better- plus if we can help her not be in pain then that’s a bonus! We then headed off to Costco to stock up ready for Mark to start back at work tomorrow- god it took us so long to get round as everyone was coming over to admire her haha!! Mark felt like an extremely proud dad whilst I’m trying to not forget what I’m getting due to baby brain Hahahaha!!
So quick update now as I’m not going to write everyday of my life when I actually feel 100% my old self now lol! I’d say I’d bore you but the amount of other things that have happened…Let’s just say my life is far from boring lol! But yes, I’m not sore anymore, my boobs have stopped leaking, I still get extremely hormonal at times- I’m extremely sensitive at the moment and feeling stressed- not with baby but just in general people mithering me and asking me to do stuff for them when my head is just not in it! People commenting on what I should and shouldn’t do with her…..but I’m too focused on Brooke which is exactly what I should be! Fuck everyone quite frankly as what does anyone do for me apart from cause me stress! I also get tired at times obviously and I’m trying to rest as and when I can- hard when you can hear loads of kids running around the house! Some parents aren’t also getting used to the fact I’m not working, I’m getting messages left, right and centre because they are seeing me sat in the living room in the morning, appearing fine but it’s hard as it is obviously my home AND workplace. It’s a tough balance! And hats fucking off to you single mums out there as I couldn’t imagine doing this on my own! But to all you fellow mums out there- we are all winging it and we got this! 💪🏻 My body seems to be getting back to normal too- I’ll be doing a postpartum blog post about my body at some point! The only thing I will say is my ribs still hurt, especially the side that Brooke’s foot was in haha!! I genuinely think it’s cracked or fractured but no point in any commotion over it as nothing anyone can do to fix it lol! I’ve also had a letter through to get my wisdom tooth out now too so il end up being back in bastard hospital soon!! Honestly, after this year I want a fucking year hospital free!! I mean a year stress free also would be awesome but don’t think that will ever happen until the day I drop down dead.
The first week to recovery has been the toughest, however, it hasn’t been as bad as what I thought if I’m honest! I thought I’d do a day to day write up of how it’s been for me…
The hours after labour in hospital when the epidural wore off was the most painful. My bits, (vagina- I just hate the word lol) honestly hasn’t hurt, however, there is a part of my perineum, (the bit after your bits, going to your bum) that I tore that is absolute fucking agony!! Whenever I wee, I can just feel it absolutely stinging and then it burns!!! It’s hard to sit down and to stand up but once I’m actually up/down, it’s ok! The first wee was awful- but not as bad as I thought it would be!!I think the worst part is that you can’t wipe, you can only dab and I hadn’t looked down there, I don’t intend on doing either, but it feels like- I can imagine one of Leatherface’s mask! I feel and think it looks big, swollen, red, bloody and sewn up!!! I was dying to shower so I did and another grim bit- you can’t use soap! So I personally think it absolutely stinks but the Midwife’s checking said it didn’t at all and it was normal! She obviously checked my stitches before I went home and she said how black it was and how sore it must be! 🤢 Tell you what, I wouldn’t do that job in a million years!! Thank god lots of brave ladies do lol! Imagine looking at bits all day and poking about in them lol! Anyway, as soon as the drugs started to work, (when I eventually got them 🤪) and honestly like I said, holding your baby…You forget about the pain and even if you do feel it, you just somehow don’t care at all! The cannula however was pissing me off as it was still in my right hand and lifting Brooke out of the cot was difficult- even feeding her and I struggled sitting up for a long period of time because my feet were dangling off the side of the bed and I could feel my feet swelling really badly.
Ok so this is the day I came home. So firstly I told the midwife to get the cannula out of my hand because I’d sat up with Brooke all night winding her due to her choking on her mucus, I had to use that hand so it was incredibly swollen and going purple! As soon as they got that out, it felt swollen and sore but sooo much better! I felt numb in places but I literally didn’t care or say anything- I just wanted to come home! When we did, I was in agony that night and my hormones were bloody everywhere- I couldn’t stop crying! I thought I was getting post natal depression already and I’d only been in the door 5 minutes!!! That was hard- I don’t really know what I was expecting?! All this time suffering, I just ‘assumed’ that I’d be fine, just soooore!! You hear people saying, ‘Oh you just feel your old self as soon as babies out!’ You fucking don’t. Whoever says this is a big, fat bullshitter. Like I said, you kind of get through the pain as painkillers mask it and cuddles with your baby just helps but no way do I feel ‘myself’. I had hallucinations like I said but think that was through sheer exhaustion and tablets lol! I’m on Paracetamol, Ibuprofen,Dihydrocodeine, (that’s the one I hate taking as I feel so fucking wired off it and I can’t hold Brooke properly when I take it as it makes me drowsy and delirious) Ferrous Fumarate which is iron for my blood loss and Lactulose to help keep my poo soft when I do eventually go to toilet! Not going to lie, the thought of that absolutely puts the fear of god in me!!!! I’m swollen everywhere too, especially my hands and feet- it’s awful! I also had a shower and washed my hair as I felt like crap but I went into shock after it- my whole body just wouldn’t stop shaking and I was really shivering- just like I did in labour, so I had to scream Mark to come and help me! Oh and Dora also hates me and Brooke, she won’t come anywhere near us but Diego! Omg he’s gone so loving and cuddly- he hasn’t left her side!!! I’m so shocked!
The midwife came over for our first visit and she was lovely! She thought Brooke had a bit of jaundice and wanted to do a blood test to check she was ok as explained if not- we’d have to go back into the hospital. As she did it, Brooke again, didn’t flinch! We got the results at 17:17pm and she was in middle bracket for having it- if it reached the higher then I’d have to go back into hospital for a night with her so they could put her under the light BUT because she had seen her feed, poo and wee whilst she was here, she was happy for us to continue what we were doing at home without going in!! Wahoo! As far as myself, I actually felt fine so we actually nipped out to get some bits- I’d bought a Chicco next to me cot as Brooke didn’t do too well in the Moses basket- I think because she couldn’t see us in it and it’s quite deep so I can’t hold her hand, she just wouldn’t settle properly. So we went to get that, nipped into boots to get some more maternity pads (buy loads lol) and bobbed into Tesco to get some healthy snacks along with my meal prep that I ordered and have been eating whilst I recover, and came home! My ankles flipping ballooned right up!! Even walking up the stairs, I could feel water swishing around in them!! Awful! I’ve kept them elevated, Marks been massaging them to push it all around, even my mum did, and I’ve been using cold compresses on them! I also felt a bit sore- probably after the walking about so I then decided I’d chill and relax! That cot is fantastic as well and Brooke was so much more settled!!!! Highly recommend it!! Dora actually looks sad and it’s heartbreaking! She really wants me but she’s just so jealous so I’ve been trying to leave her by stroke her when she comes to me but she actually bit me! I was devastated as she’s never bit me. That set me off in tears! Bloody hormones. 😩
Worst day. I woke up and felt as though I’d done a full body work out in the gym. My boobs felt like bricks which were agony!!! The swelling was worse, I was obviously sore down there and I just felt a bit down! It’s weird as I’m really euphoric at the moment but then I just feel a bit sad- almost like having bipolar. I was holding Brooke just singing to her whilst stroking her face and I cried for no reason!! Bloody hormones again! I think it’s just the amount of pain I’m in to be honest. Even holding her hurts because of my boobs! I kept snapping at Mark too but I think it was just sheer jealousy because he felt his normal self and could just hold her without being in all this pain. I felt so bad for him too for having a pop at him lol so I bought him a pair of Jordan’s! 😂 I’d also gone into shock again, felt really cold and flu like and I passed a couple of pound coin sized clots which freaked me out but unless they are like a golf ball size, they are better out than in as I checked with my midwife. I knew going out yesterday after 3 days lol, I’d overdone it but I’m not one to sit around moping and to be honest, I thought getting out and about would somehow sort me out! All I was dying to do was have a bath due to being achy but I have to wait 6 weeks. Devastated.
I woke up and felt pretty much ‘normal!’ Apart from the usual swelling, my boobs were killing and sore BUT, I didn’t feel as mongy as what I have been doing and I didn’t feel like my brain was potato! I still have no concept of time or days! It’s genuinely like being on holiday where your just chilling out by the pool with no idea what’s going on! It’s amazing actually! I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this in my life whilst at home!! Especially as I hate my house now lol! Good thing is, all noisy neighbours have fucked off so we will have a new neighbour now after the council have fixed up the house and the other noisy ones have pissed off for the six weeks half term! Hopefully we don’t have a dickhead moving in! Wahooo, that would be all we need lol!! I actually managed to get a bit of vodka in me tonight too! I passed another clot but it was only small compared to the day before!! I honestly think if my swelling of my hands and feet calmed down and my boobs didn’t hurt, I’d be ok! Well minus the occasional hormonal spurts lol!
Woke up at 5:36am to swap turns with Mark on feeding Brooke and noticed her little belly button tag had fallen off!! I was buzzing as I was dying to give her a little bath! We’d obviously been wiping her down but it’s not the same as a proper little bath! I love the smell of babies after a bath! 😍 My swelling in my hands and feet has started to go down and I can’t believe how skinny my feet look lol!!! I’ve been so used to seeing them look like elephant feet that I forgot how skinny they normally are!! My hands are a lot better and not as swollen too and my boobs aren’t as sore….however….When we bathed Brooke, she screamed the whole time haha and I’d just got the shower myself so I only had a towel on and when Mark was getting Brooke dry and dressed, I started to sort myself out when milk started leaking from both nipples and was dripping all down my belly! Me and Mark were pissing ourselves laughing as it was like my boobs were crying with her! I grabbed some breast pads and asked him to help put my bra on so I wouldn’t just be stood there with milk dripping out of me! 😂😂 Oh so worth it after that though as I was just cuddling Brooke for ages and she smelt amazing! 😍😍 I definitely think newborn baby smell beats the smell of petrol now for me! Midwife came for the second time and discharged us today as Brooke is absolutely fine and she seems happy with how I am! So far so good lol!
I actually can’t believe it’s already been a week! It’s mental! I literally feel like it was yesterday!!! Managed to go to the toilet today for a poo- I was terrified but actually, it really wasn’t that bad!!! It’s just worse in your mind! I also booked to get my nails done as I had them done about 2 weeks before I gave birth and they’d gone ridiculously long!!!! It wasn’t at my house though which meant leaving Brooke with Mark for a couple of hours! I put her in her car seat and started crying!!!! I haven’t left her side since having her and I’ve mainly been holding her!! I felt really stupid for crying as I’m going to have to go out and do stuff without her eventually lol but I couldn’t stop!! Once I was out, I was fine and I knew she was as she was with Mark! It is funny though how much you change! Like I said, I didn’t want children and my pregnancy was a shock but I couldn’t imagine her not being here!!! People try and make me feel bad because I say things like this but I’m an honest, open book. I don’t bullshit people and my daughter will know that I love her with every inch of me and she’s made my life complete! I can’t help my initial reaction and no I didn’t plan her but genuinely- I thought I couldn’t love anything more than Mark, but that’s gone right out of the window! I’ve never felt like this in my whole life!! I just don’t give a shit about anything apart from her at the moment! Not myself, not other people- nothing at all even comes close! We’ve even been sleeping great and taking it in turns- Mark will feed her about 2/3am and il sort her out about 5/6am but every little noise she makes, BOOM I’m awake, asking Mark if she’s ok and if he wants to swap with me! 😂😂 I’m really not bothered if I had to sit up with her all night every night, as I’m just in awe of her and I could stare at her all the time! Infact, I’ve even tried watching telly this week- everytime I’ve put something on, it just ends up being background noise! Honestly I’ve never been so happy and content!
So after labour and after Mark’s story of events, (which by the way, we realised we left off the fact she had the cord wrapped around her neck!) all I remember is waking up sitting in a wheelchair on a drip in the delivery suite. Next thing I knew is my mum, her husband, my nana, grandad and everyone trying to ring me! I had no idea what had just happened, I just saw Mark holding Brooke and me feeling mongy haha!! Then literally I don’t remember a lot, I just remember being put on the ward and had family visiting then I could feel the epidural wearing off and I was just in absolute agony. It was just the worst pain I’d ever been in in my life. I had to get up for a wee which I was dreading but it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be! It was where I had torn near my bum that was excruciating. I felt really lethargic and absolutely shit but having hold of Brooke just massively helped!! I don’t know- just everytime I’ve got hold of her, I don’t care about the pain! Not going to lie though, aftercare of the birth, is crap. I had no one check on me, no pain relief given for about 6 hours, no food as I’d missed meal time on the ward so I just got given a crappy sandwich and a yoghurt with no spoon! 😂😂 Eventually when a midwife did come to see me, I lost my shit and I told her how pissed off I was as I thought I was being allowed home, (we were told that before taking us to that ward) yet no one had been in to monitor me or the baby and I’d been begging for pain relief- my mum even grabbed a doctor and I cried to him but Istill hadn’t been given any. I did apologise to her and said it wasn’t her fault but come on! Turns out she was the main midwife in charge so flipping out at her did work as she went off and got a trainee to sit with me who went through the entire menu for me to order what I wanted to eat the whole time I was there,whilst she went to bollock a few people and came back to do all the tests on me and Brooke! She was really lovely and made sure we were fine and she gave me some morphine but sadly explained I wasn’t going home until Tuesday because of my blood loss- they wanted to keep me monitored closely. I was gutted. I just wanted to be in my own bed.
Before I knew it, it was approaching 10pm which is when Mark had to leave! I’ve never wanted him so much in all my life! Just found it extremely daunting being left on my own with Brooke- not because I’m scared of being on my own with a baby- but because I was on so many tablets at this point, I’d felt wired. I hadn’t slept since Saturday night due to me obviously being in hospital all of Sunday then going into labour so I was exhausted…I was scared I wouldn’t be able to care for Brooke to the best of my ability! He didn’t want to leave either but what can you do! We had a little emotional goodbye and I got him to pass Brooke to me so I could hold her. I started to feel tired around midnight so I gave her a bottle and then placed her in the cot next to me. The thing I did like about that was the cot was see through so we could look at each other. It also wasn’t too deep so it meant I could hold her hand. We were both knackered but all the other babies were screaming and my bastard bed was right next to the bin so all night we were getting disturbed by people binning shit, (which was making her jump lol) but then we’d have a chill and a baby would go off which would then set the others off!! She didn’t cry once. Even when she was given a vitamin k injection after delivery, she didn’t flinch! Hard as nails my baby lol! Anyway….we were both wide awake but we must of dozed off and had about 20 minutes sleep when I heard what sounded like her choking! I opened my eyes and just saw her arms and legs waving frantically and her gagging! I fucking shit myself! I was straight out of my bed and grabbed her out of the cot and started to wind her and she just projectile vomited everywhere non stop- it was coming out of her nose and everything! I took her out in the corridor and asked a midwife if she was ok and she said she was fine- it was just mucus- apparently forcep delivered babies and c section babies have it worse, something to do with the shortness of coming through the birth canal, I said I was terrified incase she choked on it and she said it wouldn’t happen so to put her back down and try and rest….I felt really uneasy about it but thought, ok! Went back to my bed and went to put her in the cot when immediately she did it again! I thought fuck this- I can’t leave her in a cot when she’s doing that!!! I know I was probably just being silly but no one told me about the mucus and honestly, I’m not a jumpy person normally but that, hands down, is the scariest thing I’d ever witnessed. I was in tears, I was texting Mark at 03:40am saying how tired I was and how much it was just the worst night of my life. He was messaging me back which was calming me down and making me feel better which gave me a kick up the arse to get through the night as best as I could. I gave Brooke a bottle and winded her, then I needed a wee so I just buzzed for someone as there was no way I could leave her- even if it was for a second!! The midwife came in and laughed at me for staying awake and said I could have left her alone to go for a wee so I just told her to stay with her as I didn’t give a shit about whether I’m a fruit loop or not, that was what I wanted so she waited for me- I went as fast as I could. Funny as when I got back to my bed, the midwife looked concerned and said about Brooke having bad trapped wind and then mucus started to come out! She offered to take her for a bit so I could rest which I thought was nice but I didn’t want her out of my sight! She came back about 5am to see how we were and was laughing at how well I’d done to stay awake! Pissed me off though as I heard other women tutting at their babies crying and one just snored all the way through their baby crying!! I couldn’t understand how anyone could do that! One even buzzed the midwife at 6am and said, ‘Why it cry all night?!’ IT!!! How could you call your own newborn an IT!! Here’s me sat up all night because I was terrified mine would choke! So I only had 35 minutes sleep in 3 days…
Anyway, Brooke got her payback as she did her first poo and she screamed the ward down hahaha! Karma!! First time she’s ever cried too!! Soon enough, Mark was back first thing and he felt so sorry for us both as we were both knackered. I ended up gabbing to the girl next to me who I didn’t know, had also sat up all night too! We could have joined forces lol! So when Mark got to me, he was trying to make me go down to sleep but all the lights were back on and babies were crying then people were coming round to do checks- then at 11am, they said the doctors were coming round and we’d definitely be going home!!! I was so giddy! My mum came and dropped some more milk off for us and I had some lunch then I did manage to have 30 mins sleep!!! I went for a shower and started to pack my stuff and then a doctor came round- he said I was fine to go so they just had the newborn checks on baby to do and then if she was ok, we could go!! Music to my ears haha!! I got Brooke dressed ready to go home in her amazing Baker baby outfit which buried her,and the Bounty photographer was meant to come round- left us out though!! That pissed me off lol but I wasn’t overly arsed because I’ve got her booked in for a couple of newborn shoots!! I’ve also got her booked in for a hand and foot casting…Anyway I’m waffling now! We managed to get seen at 18:00pm for her newborn check and I’m not going to lie, when they were pushing on her, especially near her bits, she was really crying and I had to fight back from crying myself!! I also felt like punching the nurse pushing on her lol! Seriously though, her crying like that broke my fucking heart. We got given the all clear and the midwife went and sorted her little red book out and we were good to go! They got me a wheelchair so we got Brooke in her car seat and put it on top of my lap whilst mark was pushing me to the car- no way I could walk that far! Once in the car, it felt weird leaving the hospital as we’d been there so many times for appointments! On the journey home, Mark was driving so carefully which is not like him 😂😂 however, every lump and bump on the road was pure torture on my bits haha but every second was getting us closer to home…..
I was a wreck when we got in. I think it was a mixture of all the drugs I was on, the fact I’d not slept properly in 3 days but also: the realisation it was all over!! The moment I’ve been hoping for and anticipating for 38+ weeks! Mark told me to go to bed whilst he sorted Brooke out and made me some tea. He came up with me to make sure I was ok and gave me a kiss on the head and as he walked out the room, I broke my heart!! I didn’t want to be on my own and I hadn’t been parted from Brooke! I did end up drifting off for an hour then woke up hallucinating so I was screaming Mark but realised what I saw, wasn’t even there by the time he came in! He calmed me down and brought me downstairs, passed me my tea and we both ended up having a cry because it is the realisation I’ve done it!!! The thing I feared most in life- child birth and after such a shit, hard time during pregnancy, she’s here- absolutely perfect! We’re soooooo happy it’s not insane!
So as your all aware…I was DYING to have my baby!!! I was so set for any day but trust my waters to have broken on a day where I had lots to do!! Firstly, Diego (the cat) had come back in from outside with a flipping ear infection so I’d made him a vet appointment, secondly, I’d ordered a food shop online to be delivered between 12/1pm and thirdly, Mark had ten ton of shit in his car that needed to go to the tip…But of course, it’s me and this would never run smoothly…..
I woke up Saturday at 3:40am feeling a bit sick due to acid reflux, as usual, and I needed a wee so I popped two rennies and went to the toilet. Dora my little cat was sleeping in the bathroom but she followed me back to bed and came and sat on my head, (she has some odd tricks lol) and was being very cuddly with me! Mark must of woke a little as he turned over and started tickling my back but I was just lay there wide awake! I tried my best to go back off but it wasn’t happening. I gave in in the end and it was 4:15am so I just got my phone and started having a browse and played some games when about 5am on the dot came and water started leaking out! I got up really quick and got to the bathroom where it was just trickling out! I went back in the bedroom and woke Mark to tell him so then I had a quick shower and rang Triage where they said to stick a pad on and get in. Wahoo triage twice in one week! 🤪 Anyway, I just said to Mark I’m not rushing so we had a brew and I rang my mum and Dad to let them know my waters had gone and then I said to Mark that we’d better hurry up a bit as it was getting a while after I’d rang them! Anyway…we got there just to wait like an hour so I’m glad we didn’t rush straight in! I got taken up to the delivery suite where a midwife came in and took my urine sample and asked to see my pad and was told that my waters has broke but only partially- but they still treat it as if they have fully broke. I had zero contractions so they said they would send me home until something happens and if not then they would get me back in after 24 hours to induce me. They checked baby’s heartbeat and that was fine and said I could feel her moving as usual. So I was just awaiting to be discharged which took two hours!!!! I could hear some woman screaming the place down giving birth then heard the baby crying…didn’t even scare me!!! Just again made me jealous lol!! Mark was dicking about as usual lol causing mischief and we were taking daft photos having a laugh!
Then literally at 9:00am, my waterswent some more and I felt absolutely grim! I felt as though I had pissed myself and had to just sit in it until 10am when we were on our way home, as I didn’t have any spare clothes with me- they were in the car ready but until I knew I was staying then I didn’t see the point in taking them in! By god the smell of the fluid…..🤢 I swear to god I will never forget that smell!!! I was absolutely heaving when I got home to clean myself. I had a shower and washed my hair then went down for a nap. Both my mum and Dad had come over to see if I was ok the three of us were just having a laugh whilst Mark was still napping.
So basically after a good chill and zero contractions….I had been booked in on Sunday at 11:30am to get the baby monitored as they had no slots to induce me until Monday at 9am unless any slots appeared on Sunday which meant I had to stay in…..Which was what happened, however at 13:50pm, the midwife came to give me the tablet to try and kick start labour but first she monitored baby and checked my cervix and I was already 2cm dilated so they couldn’t induce me anyway! She gave me a sweep to try and move things in a bit which then took me to 3cm. I was then told to go for a walk and get on a coreball to try and hurry things along as best as! Fuck me that sweep hurt though which she said would because my waters had gone! I bled quite a bit but she got me some pads. Anyway they left me with Mark until 10pm when visiting times end with nothing really moving forwards! I felt a bit sad and so did Mark as we didn’t quite know what to expect! We said our goodbyes and literally within 5 minutes a midwife came to tell me they were preparing my delivery suite within the hour!!! I had to phone Mark back up but we were just so ready for it!!!!
That hour went rapid as two young women came to get me at 00:03am and said, ‘We’re having your baby!’ They said they started their shift at 19:30pm-07:30am and were adamant they could have my baby in this slot which I was more than happy with haha! On the walk down to the room I told them that I was really scared and I feared child birth more than death and stressed to them how much I wanted pain relief- especially after that sweep, I mean come on if that’s going to hurt as much as it did then what’s a babies head going to feel like!!! They said because the hormone drip is going to kick start my contractions pretty much immediately, I could have an epidural straight away but had to keep in mind that it would take 20/30 minutes for the epidural to work but I was fine about that as long as I knew I wouldn’t be in too much pain throughout. So we walked into the room I would be delivering in so it was get naked, gown on, go for a wee in the bedpan so they could check it and it’s all systems go! The Midwife’s asked me if I was hungry which I wasn’t, nerves were just kicking in! We had some doughnuts and they said to have one whilst they finished prepping the room for me as they stated once the drip was on, physically no food until after the baby is here so I just ‘forced’ a doughnut in to give me an energy boost.
So here it comes- The Labour.
lI’d got naked, put on my gown and laid on the bed. In came my two midwives who explained everything that was going to happen and I liked that as obviously it’s one of the biggest things you can go through and trust me, the whole thing absolutely terrified me for years, so having everything thoroughly explained and having that motivational support just eased my mind loads. Firstly it was to have a cannula fitted…the horrible part of that was it had to go in my right hand as it didn’t want to go in my left! I’ve had a cannula before and I’m really not bothered about needles so I wasn’t phased at this bit but it really wasn’t comfortable in my right hand. So just before the midwife connected up the fluids that were going to be passed through the cannula, she asked to have a little check of my cervix to see if anything had progressed since the sweep which it had but I had to be induced because the fact my waters had gone. They can’t leave you past 24-48 hours after they go because your prone to infection and then it’s dangerous for the baby, but that brings me to the next point- the waters in front of her head hadn’t broke so the midwife had to break them with a long but little hook and honestly again it didn’t hurt at all! Took her about 5 minutes to pop them and then they attached the hormone fluids into my cannula to start me in labour! The anaesthetist who was giving me the epidural came in and he was lovely, explained everything to do with what the epidural was, all the side affects and how I could control it myself with a button if I needed more and then made sure I was happy with everything which I was so he went off to go and prepare everything. Minutes later I started getting contractions due to the hormone drip and they were really, really strong but I could cope with them. I just stayed really quiet and breathed through the pain. The midwife came over to me and handed me the gas and air to try which I did, but I didn’t find it helped in anyway at all. Even Mark had a cheeky go when they left the room and agreed it was crap lol! When the midwives came back, the inserted a caffeta as obviously I needed to keep my bladder clear but I wouldn’t be able to get up and use the toilet when I had the epidural. Anyway the contractions started coming every two minutes apart, (apparently-Mark is helping me write this as I only remember parts and especially timing as I felt like the whole thing was only an hour haha! ) and lasted maybe 40/50 seconds. Soon enough, back came the anaesthetist and then I was helped to get into position for the epidural. They put the bed as high as they could and I just had to sit right at the edge and I leant forward ever so slightly. I was actually getting quite nervous for the injection, I think because I couldn’t see what was going on behind me as that’s how they were prepping everything and like I said, I’m really not scared about needles and injections, but the thought of one going into my spine was freaking me out a little lol but I knew it was either that for 2 minutes of my life or cope with hours of painful contractions….I knew which one seemed more appealing lol! So firstly they injected me with a local anaesthetic in my spine which felt horrible, not going to lie! But I then didn’t really feel anything apart from like a cold sensation running through my back, shoulder and arm. Then came the epidural which they put in my spine also but I didn’t feel a thing until they said, ‘You may feel an electric shock sensation’…Oh yes I did! Then after that I was laid back down on the bed and lowered down. I can honestly say I felt great. I was in zero pain, I felt really relaxed and chilled and me and the midwives were none stop chattering on about loads of different things; how me and mark met, the wedding, baby names, Thailand- you name it lol!! Mark fell asleep on a chair at one point but literally only for 5 minutes. He just kept coming over giving me water etc and then he said to me that I could administer myself more epidural (you could do so every 20 minutes, then the machine would not let you go over that) so he said to just push it if I wanted. I did and then I felt all my shoulder go really cold and then all of a sudden, I started to vomit out that pissing doughnut I’d forced myself to eat!! Grim! So I had no concept of pain or time and the midwife said she was going to have a look and see where we were up to at 04:15am and would you believe I was 10cm fully dilated!!!!! Within four hours! I actually couldn’t believe it and I don’t think they did haha! They said we could hopefully try pushing in a couple of hours and that the baby could very well be out whilst they were on shift and were begging me to do so haha!! I was hoping that as they had been with me from the start and I really got along with them so I told them that and said I’d be sad if they finished their shift beforehand and they both said not to worry as they weren’t going anywhere until I had this baby lol! The baby must have been as chilled as I was as her heart rate was very consistent the whole way through and they said that she was extremely happy and calm throughout the whole thing and never seen anything like it! Even the main midwife of the whole unit couldn’t believe it! They said how strong my contractions had been the whole time and it was probably the best thing I had that epidural! So it got to about 06:15am when I was able to start pushing. Then this is where it got really, really difficult. The baby’s foot has lodged into my ribs and it was causing me agony!!! I literally felt like my ribs were going to crack- the epidural wouldn’t of worked for my ribs as it only works waist down but honestly I was pushing and pushing through the pain of it as I just wanted my baby! I didn’t want to hold Marks hand or be touched so I just had everyone cheering me on and Mark was amazing- I only listened to what he was saying to me and in between pushes, he was giving me water. Anyway after about an hour of pushing, which honestly felt like 5 minutes, babies head was right there but not coming out. There was physically nothing more I could have done to get her out due to severe exhaustion, so the midwife went to get a doctor who came in and said they would have to intervene now and use forceps and all I remember saying to them was I didn’t care how they did it, they just needed to get her out. Mark asked me if I wanted my music on and I said yes so he just pressed shuffle and I shit you not, ‘Guns n Roses- Sweet Child O’ Mine’ came on! Next thing I remember then was some tugging sensations and me continuing to push and she was out! Born at 07:36am to Guns n Roses and weighing 6.5 pounds! They passed her to me and I cried my eyes out and couldn’t stop staring at her smiling, crying and she was staring at me extremely content and touched my face with her hands and then I don’t remember anything….
So this is what happened as told by Mark:
‘Ok, so from the point where baby is born, Jenna’s asked me to describe what was going on….well let me paint the picture, we were both shattered and in awe, not knowing what was going on as it’s the most awe inspiring moment of your life so I was receptive to a lot but apologise if forgot some shit. Jenna lost a lot of blood, more than 1.5 litres, once baby was out, (I stayed by her head, sorry don’t want to see the massacre down there) she was changing colour in front of me slowly going whiter/greyer, I genuinely thought she was dying, however as soon as baby was passed to her, I won’t be able to describe this moment ever! I truly think no words can do, the instant, overwhelming love Jenna had for baby was amazing to see, despite her looking like shit (think the only time will ever say that about her) this moment was truly beautiful. It was like seeing all the love she had for me duplicated, multiplied by an excessively large number and transferred into this tiny cute little princess that we created. So Jenna has a hold of baby, the doctor had to stitch her up as she had torn and needed a cut prior to the delivery. She looked exhausted, the most I have ever seen. Doctor was stitching her up for a good 20 minutes or so and Jenna looked like she was falling asleep, fortunately she was ok and so was baby. You could tell she had been through a war internally, once she was stitched up, we said goodbye to the 2 awesome midwives as they stayed past their shifts for us. The 2 new midwives were nice but entered at the time where everything was going on. They helped move us eventually to post natal ward, (whatever ward it is when you have a baby) however before this Jenna had to stay in a wheel chair on a drip to replace fluids and get her BP back up. I’m sure my version of accounts reads as well as a toddler telling a story, thank god it isn’t hand written (imagine daddy long legs having an orgy and that’s what any hand written note looks like) however I will say this….it’s all worth it, the pains, the frustration and the mental exhaustion is all worth it, I know I didn’t have her growing inside of me but seeing how happy Jenna is now everytime she holds our daughter is the most lovely thing to witness. Our daughter is perfect, we are biased of course, but she’s so easy going and is making Jenna’s recovery a lot easier.
One happy proud fiancé and dad! Can’t wait to be married now!’ 😍
So here is our little princess; Brooke Lewis. 100% worth those 38+3 days of pure hell. Yes I have a long recovery but honestly everytime I hold her, she’s instant pain relief. I still do this day will never do it all again but I’m so glad I did it as it’s the best thing that’s ever, ever happened to me. Also don’t worry- I will be continuing this blog talking about my recovery and updates on Brooke. Thank you all for the support and messages! 💕💕