The first week to recovery has been the toughest, however, it hasn’t been as bad as what I thought if I’m honest! I thought I’d do a day to day write up of how it’s been for me…
The hours after labour in hospital when the epidural wore off was the most painful. My bits, (vagina- I just hate the word lol) honestly hasn’t hurt, however, there is a part of my perineum, (the bit after your bits, going to your bum) that I tore that is absolute fucking agony!! Whenever I wee, I can just feel it absolutely stinging and then it burns!!! It’s hard to sit down and to stand up but once I’m actually up/down, it’s ok! The first wee was awful- but not as bad as I thought it would be!!I think the worst part is that you can’t wipe, you can only dab and I hadn’t looked down there, I don’t intend on doing either, but it feels like- I can imagine one of Leatherface’s mask! I feel and think it looks big, swollen, red, bloody and sewn up!!! I was dying to shower so I did and another grim bit- you can’t use soap! So I personally think it absolutely stinks but the Midwife’s checking said it didn’t at all and it was normal! She obviously checked my stitches before I went home and she said how black it was and how sore it must be! 🤢 Tell you what, I wouldn’t do that job in a million years!! Thank god lots of brave ladies do lol! Imagine looking at bits all day and poking about in them lol! Anyway, as soon as the drugs started to work, (when I eventually got them 🤪) and honestly like I said, holding your baby…You forget about the pain and even if you do feel it, you just somehow don’t care at all! The cannula however was pissing me off as it was still in my right hand and lifting Brooke out of the cot was difficult- even feeding her and I struggled sitting up for a long period of time because my feet were dangling off the side of the bed and I could feel my feet swelling really badly.
Ok so this is the day I came home. So firstly I told the midwife to get the cannula out of my hand because I’d sat up with Brooke all night winding her due to her choking on her mucus, I had to use that hand so it was incredibly swollen and going purple! As soon as they got that out, it felt swollen and sore but sooo much better! I felt numb in places but I literally didn’t care or say anything- I just wanted to come home! When we did, I was in agony that night and my hormones were bloody everywhere- I couldn’t stop crying! I thought I was getting post natal depression already and I’d only been in the door 5 minutes!!! That was hard- I don’t really know what I was expecting?! All this time suffering, I just ‘assumed’ that I’d be fine, just soooore!! You hear people saying, ‘Oh you just feel your old self as soon as babies out!’ You fucking don’t. Whoever says this is a big, fat bullshitter. Like I said, you kind of get through the pain as painkillers mask it and cuddles with your baby just helps but no way do I feel ‘myself’. I had hallucinations like I said but think that was through sheer exhaustion and tablets lol! I’m on Paracetamol, Ibuprofen, Dihydrocodeine, (that’s the one I hate taking as I feel so fucking wired off it and I can’t hold Brooke properly when I take it as it makes me drowsy and delirious) Ferrous Fumarate which is iron for my blood loss and Lactulose to help keep my poo soft when I do eventually go to toilet! Not going to lie, the thought of that absolutely puts the fear of god in me!!!! I’m swollen everywhere too, especially my hands and feet- it’s awful! I also had a shower and washed my hair as I felt like crap but I went into shock after it- my whole body just wouldn’t stop shaking and I was really shivering- just like I did in labour, so I had to scream Mark to come and help me! Oh and Dora also hates me and Brooke, she won’t come anywhere near us but Diego! Omg he’s gone so loving and cuddly- he hasn’t left her side!!! I’m so shocked!
The midwife came over for our first visit and she was lovely! She thought Brooke had a bit of jaundice and wanted to do a blood test to check she was ok as explained if not- we’d have to go back into the hospital. As she did it, Brooke again, didn’t flinch! We got the results at 17:17pm and she was in middle bracket for having it- if it reached the higher then I’d have to go back into hospital for a night with her so they could put her under the light BUT because she had seen her feed, poo and wee whilst she was here, she was happy for us to continue what we were doing at home without going in!! Wahoo! As far as myself, I actually felt fine so we actually nipped out to get some bits- I’d bought a Chicco next to me cot as Brooke didn’t do too well in the Moses basket- I think because she couldn’t see us in it and it’s quite deep so I can’t hold her hand, she just wouldn’t settle properly. So we went to get that, nipped into boots to get some more maternity pads (buy loads lol) and bobbed into Tesco to get some healthy snacks along with my meal prep that I ordered and have been eating whilst I recover, and came home! My ankles flipping ballooned right up!! Even walking up the stairs, I could feel water swishing around in them!! Awful! I’ve kept them elevated, Marks been massaging them to push it all around, even my mum did, and I’ve been using cold compresses on them! I also felt a bit sore- probably after the walking about so I then decided I’d chill and relax! That cot is fantastic as well and Brooke was so much more settled!!!! Highly recommend it!! Dora actually looks sad and it’s heartbreaking! She really wants me but she’s just so jealous so I’ve been trying to leave her by stroke her when she comes to me but she actually bit me! I was devastated as she’s never bit me. That set me off in tears! Bloody hormones. 😩
Worst day. I woke up and felt as though I’d done a full body work out in the gym. My boobs felt like bricks which were agony!!! The swelling was worse, I was obviously sore down there and I just felt a bit down! It’s weird as I’m really euphoric at the moment but then I just feel a bit sad- almost like having bipolar. I was holding Brooke just singing to her whilst stroking her face and I cried for no reason!! Bloody hormones again! I think it’s just the amount of pain I’m in to be honest. Even holding her hurts because of my boobs! I kept snapping at Mark too but I think it was just sheer jealousy because he felt his normal self and could just hold her without being in all this pain. I felt so bad for him too for having a pop at him lol so I bought him a pair of Jordan’s! 😂 I’d also gone into shock again, felt really cold and flu like and I passed a couple of pound coin sized clots which freaked me out but unless they are like a golf ball size, they are better out than in as I checked with my midwife. I knew going out yesterday after 3 days lol, I’d overdone it but I’m not one to sit around moping and to be honest, I thought getting out and about would somehow sort me out! All I was dying to do was have a bath due to being achy but I have to wait 6 weeks. Devastated.
I woke up and felt pretty much ‘normal!’ Apart from the usual swelling, my boobs were killing and sore BUT, I didn’t feel as mongy as what I have been doing and I didn’t feel like my brain was potato! I still have no concept of time or days! It’s genuinely like being on holiday where your just chilling out by the pool with no idea what’s going on! It’s amazing actually! I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this in my life whilst at home!! Especially as I hate my house now lol! Good thing is, all noisy neighbours have fucked off so we will have a new neighbour now after the council have fixed up the house and the other noisy ones have pissed off for the six weeks half term! Hopefully we don’t have a dickhead moving in! Wahooo, that would be all we need lol!! I actually managed to get a bit of vodka in me tonight too! I passed another clot but it was only small compared to the day before!! I honestly think if my swelling of my hands and feet calmed down and my boobs didn’t hurt, I’d be ok! Well minus the occasional hormonal spurts lol!
Woke up at 5:36am to swap turns with Mark on feeding Brooke and noticed her little belly button tag had fallen off!! I was buzzing as I was dying to give her a little bath! We’d obviously been wiping her down but it’s not the same as a proper little bath! I love the smell of babies after a bath! 😍 My swelling in my hands and feet has started to go down and I can’t believe how skinny my feet look lol!!! I’ve been so used to seeing them look like elephant feet that I forgot how skinny they normally are!! My hands are a lot better and not as swollen too and my boobs aren’t as sore….however….When we bathed Brooke, she screamed the whole time haha and I’d just got the shower myself so I only had a towel on and when Mark was getting Brooke dry and dressed, I started to sort myself out when milk started leaking from both nipples and was dripping all down my belly! Me and Mark were pissing ourselves laughing as it was like my boobs were crying with her! I grabbed some breast pads and asked him to help put my bra on so I wouldn’t just be stood there with milk dripping out of me! 😂😂 Oh so worth it after that though as I was just cuddling Brooke for ages and she smelt amazing! 😍😍 I definitely think newborn baby smell beats the smell of petrol now for me! Midwife came for the second time and discharged us today as Brooke is absolutely fine and she seems happy with how I am! So far so good lol!
I actually can’t believe it’s already been a week! It’s mental! I literally feel like it was yesterday!!! Managed to go to the toilet today for a poo- I was terrified but actually, it really wasn’t that bad!!! It’s just worse in your mind! I also booked to get my nails done as I had them done about 2 weeks before I gave birth and they’d gone ridiculously long!!!! It wasn’t at my house though which meant leaving Brooke with Mark for a couple of hours! I put her in her car seat and started crying!!!! I haven’t left her side since having her and I’ve mainly been holding her!! I felt really stupid for crying as I’m going to have to go out and do stuff without her eventually lol but I couldn’t stop!! Once I was out, I was fine and I knew she was as she was with Mark! It is funny though how much you change! Like I said, I didn’t want children and my pregnancy was a shock but I couldn’t imagine her not being here!!! People try and make me feel bad because I say things like this but I’m an honest, open book. I don’t bullshit people and my daughter will know that I love her with every inch of me and she’s made my life complete! I can’t help my initial reaction and no I didn’t plan her but genuinely- I thought I couldn’t love anything more than Mark, but that’s gone right out of the window! I’ve never felt like this in my whole life!! I just don’t give a shit about anything apart from her at the moment! Not myself, not other people- nothing at all even comes close! We’ve even been sleeping great and taking it in turns- Mark will feed her about 2/3am and il sort her out about 5/6am but every little noise she makes, BOOM I’m awake, asking Mark if she’s ok and if he wants to swap with me! 😂😂 I’m really not bothered if I had to sit up with her all night every night, as I’m just in awe of her and I could stare at her all the time! Infact, I’ve even tried watching telly this week- everytime I’ve put something on, it just ends up being background noise! Honestly I’ve never been so happy and content!