It’s a…..

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I can finally spill the beans….. It’s a GIRL!!!!!! Ok I’m not going to lie- I’ve known since the 4d scan when I was 16 weeks but I wanted to keep it quiet and double check at my 20 week scan! I’ve had to re-check all my blogs to make sure I didn’t slip up anywhere by saying ‘she’ haha! So now it’s out of the bag and no more secrets! What a relief!!! I did slip up to a few people so thankyou guys for keeping it quiet for me!!! I’m not going to lie but a couple of my friends wanted me to have a gender reveal party and I said I’d do it- reluctantly. The more I thought about it, I didn’t fancy it. I’m so glad now that I didn’t because when the lady told me it was a girl at first, I cried. The only reason being was like I’ve mentioned in a previous post about things happening to me and the thought of having a daughter would terrify me incase any of what I’ve experienced, she does too….imagine people seeing that on video and seeing that as my first reaction! I’d have been mortified because no one would have understood why I cried until now I’ve wrote this!!! It’s nothing to do with ‘gender disappointment’ believe me! Now it’s sunk in I can’t bloody wait to have a girl and I don’t think I could see myself with a boy now!! Back to a gender reveal party though….a friend mentioned about everyone getting ‘Lit’ and I thought, ‘Oh yeah great!’ Sorry but what am I, or my baby going to get out of a gender reveal party?! Everyone having a drink and a great time finding out what I’m having, whilst I’m hormonal and crying! Plus all a gender reveal is for really is for social media!! I’m not interested in likes or followers! I’m surprised by how many people have liked and followed me over the years!! I’d rather people like and read my blogs and appreciate me for my mind and my personality than for anything else! Obviously though, I had told my friend she could throw me one but that didn’t go to plan anyway!! Mark was dying to know more than me what we were having which is why we had that scan booked if I’m honest! I think now it was the best thing we could have done and maybe we can think about a baby shower instead. At least then everyone knows she’s a girl and we can have a catch up with good friends, a few drinks, (non alcoholic for me obvs) nibbles, treats and if anyone wanted to buy her something, they can do as they know it’s going to be a girl!!! I admit I’ve done all this now and I’ll piss myself if it turns out to be a boy! 😂😂 What a head fuck that will be!

Now I’ve had time to sink in, I’m no longer scared about a girl- I’m just going to make dam sure she can look after herself and I will be making sure that she can come to me at any time with anything as I have her back! I’ve hid a lot of things from people and that certainly won’t be the case for her! I’ll be a true lioness protecting her and when needed- her daddy can go fuck shit up! 😂😂😂 I’ll be a proper psycho mum I tell you!!! I’ve already bought her loads of cool clothes- her wardrobe is already better than mine!!! I can’t wait to hit the shops when I’m back to normal though- I’ve only bought myself baggy/comfy shit to last me whilst I’m pregnant and I don’t care if I look like shit because most of the time- I feel it anyway!! No ones hardly rude about a pregnant woman anyway and if they are then they are a ****!! But I definitely can’t wait until I feel myself again and can buy nice summer clothes for my honeymoon!! Oh and before anyone asks me, we do have a few names we like but we won’t be telling anyone them! Every time I’ve mentioned one I like- someone doesn’t or tries to put me off!! I couldn’t give a shit what anyone thinks to be honest! If I wanted to call her Gaga then I would!! (I’m not lol- Mark wouldn’t let me anyway!) So that’s the end of that debate haha!!! So ask me and I won’t tell you anyway! Il tell you something completely opposite to what we are thinking! I didn’t tell you what to call your kids or judge you so…… 🖕🏼🖕🏼

Quite a lot is happening every week to since being pregnant!! A lot of downs for now some ups, thank god!!! Firstly our luck is massively changing- We both had a tax rebate through, my compensation offer and we won £100 on a horse on the Cheltenham races! My best friend told us to give it a go so we thought, sod it why not! Mark ended up picking the same horse as her and it bloody won! As we were watching the race however…I was laughing so hard at Mark getting over excited and shouting at the telly that I actually wee’d myself!!!!!!!! Clearly haven’t been doing enough pelvic floor exercises! 😂😂 Imagine if I was further into my pregnancy and that’s how my waters broke?!?! That would have made a good story!! 😂😂 Seriously though, even a sneeze and a bit of wee will leak out!!!Must just have a weak bladder lol! Health wise I’m ok apart from back ache, sciatica and acid reflux- it’s brutal!! But not much I can do an about it so just plodding through! I’m eating like no tomorrow but no cravings! Just eating normal things! Oh and I’m sure Mark is suffering with pregnancy symptoms also!! We even googled it and apparently it’s a thing lol!! So guess we are both pregnant!!!

I had some awful dreams too but the worst one was last week! I woke up at 05:20am in absolute tears because I had a dream that Dora (my cat) had died!!! She’s not just a cat, she’s my best friend! Literally my baby!!!!! When I first got her- I was diagnosed with bipolar and chronic depression. I’d attempted suicide because I was so lonely. At the time, I didn’t work- I just went out drinking every night or had ‘friends’ over just for company. I was stuck in 24/7 in a flat, on my own and was absolutely miserable! I’ve always had cats around me so after my stint, I told my mum I was getting a cat and didn’t tell my landlord as he didn’t want me to have pets in there! 🙈 I had a hamster I rescued before this but she had just died which again- made me more depressed. So I went out with my mum browsing cats. As I lived in a flat above a shop on quite a busy road and car park behind- it meant I could only really get a house cat. I went round a few places and the only house cats they had had some medical condition, really old (which i couldn’t of handled on top of everything if they had died) or they were like bloody feral- mega fiesty! I just wanted to give up but my nana suggested a place that me and my mum hadn’t thought of, so off we all went. It was such a beautiful place for rescued animals- big barns with sofas in, cats were just roaming everywhere! It was so cosy and homely, the problem was I didn’t know if they had any house cats! So we asked the lady and she said, ‘Oh I don’t think so but I will go and check…’ Instantly I could feel myself getting upset as I knew it was going to be a no but she came back and said, ‘We do have one who hates other cats and hasn’t shown any interest to being outside, would you like to see her?’ Of course I bit her hand off! So we walked through the barns to an area at the back which had cages and there was my little Dora. Well as soon as she opened the cage, Dora flew at me!! She was licking my face, sitting on my knee meowing at me….that was it! I knew she was mine that moment. We’ve literally been inseparable since! She loved cuddles but not being overly fussed, hated her belly being touched and used to cry when I had to leave her alone, she was just like me but a cat version!!! In fact, she just is me if I was a cat lol! When I first met Mark, she hated him! Used to hiss at him and lie in between us in bed and if he went to put his arm round me, she’d attack him!! Now of course she loves him haha! So as you can see, she’s so much more than ‘a cat’ to me! She got me through a horrible stage of my life and has been a rock since! Pets are definitely family! So my dream…..Basically it was Mark going downstairs in the morning before me and shouting me to come down ASAP so I ran down and he had hold of her and said, ‘I’m so sorry babe but Dora’s died’, I thought he was having me on but then I realised that he had hold of her and there is noooo way she will let you pick her up! I grabbed her off him and cradled her absolutely fucking heartbroken!!! So I woke up in absolute tears, grabbed my phone to see what time it was, realised it was 05:20am and ran to go and find her and I see her lay down at the top of the stairs so I just burst into tears as I thought she had gone! I had my torch on my phone to check I had the right cat, 😂😂 (her and Diego look the same sometimes lol) anyway she looked at me and made a ‘brrr’ noise as if to say, ‘What the hell are you doing?!’ I sat there in tears for about 10 minutes just stroking her, absolutely relieved that she was fine so I went back to bed but I couldn’t stop crying!!!! Mark woke up like ‘What’s up?? Are you ok?!’ So I told him what happened whilst so he held me and stroked my hair until I drifted back off! Safe to say that Dora had lots of attention and cuddles all day off me!!! I’ve even cried writing this down!!! I just cannot bare the thought of anything happening to her!!!

So other than pissing my pants, feeling like my back is about break, coping with being pregnant and dealing with a pregnant fiancé (🙄😂) haha, Oh and having shit dreams…..We are having a girl and over the moon 💕💕

 

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