A baby is for life- not just for Christmas….

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So I’m going to talk about the reality of being a mum. It’s fucking hard work. I’m not going to lie- I have been feeling a bit down at the moment because I feel fat, tired, (actually, make that exhausted!) ugly….I feel so drained because I have absolutely zero time to myself- I’m not eating properly and half the time I’ve even been forgetting to brush my teeth! I can’t be arsed to do my hair or makeup as I’m only in the house or at the gym! I’ve cried like a bitch when she’s had her jabs done, my anxiety went through the roof the day before she was due them! I hate it when my mum takes her for the day or having her over night as I just want her back! That leads the guilt I feel when I want time for myself and for even feeling this way! Especially when I’m upset! Oh and when you do get five minutes to yourself- your having to sterilise bottles, wash sicky/shitty clothes…just to repeat it over and over again until it’s time for ‘bed’, you know the thing your actually meant to relax in and get some ‘sleep’….Oh and don’t forget- you can’t just ‘pop to the shop’ anymore because you have to make sure you have your baby’s bag ready with bottles, milk, nappies, wipes, sick mops, dummies, (if your lucky your baby takes one as mine certainly doesn’t!) spare clothes, car seat, pram….a five minute outing easily turns into an hour! Then don’t forget the dirty looks when your baby is kicking off out in public or people passing comments and giving opinions….

Anyone that says this shit is easy is on crack. I’m not going to lie- I’ve also probably had this shit harder than others! The problem with being self employed, no maternity leave properly, my house as you know, (if you don’t, we had a major leak that has pretty much demolished my house) so that has been a mess and it’s STILL not done! I’ve also had a general anaesthetic to get my wisdom tooth out which was fucking agony- proper underestimated it to which oh- it got infected!!! So two weeks of not being able to talk properly, eat…..to run to the dentist to have it cleaned, packed and antibiotics to which I couldn’t consume alcohol again…. 

Honestly, this has been the hardest and shittest time (not Brooke obviously lol she’s not shit, just my situation is) of my entire life! How people do this over again is beyond me because it’s just the hardest thing in the world! It probably doesn’t help also that my baby can also be very difficult! We get massive kick off’s, we’re still no where near the stage of sleeping through…but then the second she smiles at you- that’s it and all is forgiven. I honestly can say though hand on heart- I could not do this job alone so seriously hats off to you single mums out there! Now don’t get me wrong- I love being a mum and I would not change anything for the world at all- I’ve taken to it like a duck to water- and I know everything is worth it- plus, I absolutely love Brooke more than fucking anything- you will never feel love like it. It just Motherhood is like pregnancy, every woman will have a completely different ride. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions! Would I go back to not having so much responsibility? Not a chance. My life has completely changed and yes it’s fucking hard and there are times when I hate/doubt myself and all this shit I’ve had- but I’m ploughing through and trying my best like every mum out there. 

F98356CD-315A-4CB6-8B70-715E0BBD0DCEFrom a very knackered mum but an extremely cute baby ❤️

Sorry!!

40A195A5-2BD3-4240-BCE9-3655E6364E61Hello everyone- I’m so so sorry I’ve not posted for a couple of weeks- It’s. Been. CRAZY!!!! 

Firstly I cannot believe Brooke is 8 weeks old?!?! Well, she’ll be 9 weeks tomorrow! Absolutely mad how fast it’s gone, it’s been a blur! She’s grown so much and she weighs 11 pounds bless her! Her cheeks haven’t half filled out- she’s definitely got my hamster cheeks!! Can really see now that she’s a good mix of us both! I’ve just been so busy trying to rebuild my business and got back ups in place incase! Last weekend I had to redo my paediatric first aid course with Millie’s Trust and it was so good! If you don’t know about Millie’s trust as I do have alot of overseas readers then give it a google but be prepared for tears! Heartbreaking! Reading or hearing about things where children dying, it now makes it so much more upsetting when you have your own- so having the weekend away from her over two whole days, when you hear awfully sad stories and then you perform cpr on a manikin baby….You can imagine the tears lol!! Seriously though I recommend everyone to do a paediatric first aid course!! Especially new parents!! Then of course we had her first jabs which were awful!!! I broke my heart in the room- the nurse ended up comforting me whilst my mum was comforting Brooke lol! I don’t know which one of us cried more! Seriously awful! I’d never heard her scream like it and honestly it went right through me. Then we had a few days of hell with her because she was so clingy, she wasn’t taking her feeds and she was sleepy but she was fighting it off! Literally nothing we could do except give her loads of cuddles! She seems ok now though, we’ll, apart from the colic and reflux! I stopped the gaviscon- she was actually throwing up more and I didn’t want her to risk her being constipated too! So actually not using anything but massage definitely seems to help and also she loves sitting up so we just let her chill on our legs propped or keep her sat upright after winding her! We’ve also found she sleeps better on her belly and that helps with the wind as well! 

Secondly the house is still a wreck but we’re slowly getting there! It’s been exciting redecorating again! I love interior designing and I’m obsessed with houses! All brand new wallpaper, paint, accessories- bathroom has a jacuzzi bath and a walk in ultimate shower with massage jets lol!! Then I’ve got to sort all new carpets/ flooring out and I’ve even been on my ‘Hinch haul’ to really clean everywhere when it’s all done! If you don’t know what a ‘Hinch haul’ is….Mrs Hinch on Instagram! Amazing lady that gives great cleaning tips so get a follow on if your obsessed with cleaning or when you can’t be arsed to- we all have them days- then it will give you some inspiration!! Can’t wait til it’s all finished and snug for the winter! 

Thirdly- As if all what I’ve mentioned above isn’t enough….I’ve also been checking off my wedding list of things to still arrange! I’ve got Brooke’s dress this week and my flowers sorted but I’ve still got to get our rings, park tickets for Florida, sort out a flight for my makeup friend and Mark still needs a suit and shoes!!! Fuck me, il be so happy when this wedding is done so I can bloody chill and relax!! I won’t be arranging fuck all once it’s done lol! People have been asking if we’re having a christening! A fucking christening!! Like I haven’t got enough on lol! The answer is no anyway, but I might look into a naming ceremony but I will happily let Mark do it lol!! Honestly I’m surprised that I’m not a size 0 with all this stress lol but I’m actually really calm right now as I know it needs doing and I am the one that has to do it! I still have bad baby brain too and still with diaries and notes everywhere- I’m still useless! Seriously I don’t recommend having a baby so close to your wedding! I’ve got the stress also of losing 3 stone by January to fit in my dress! Kill me!! 😩😂

Anyway, now you know why I haven’t had chance to do a post so again, sincere apologies and il try my best to not slack off on them lol!! 

Snap back to reality!

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Right I had my ‘BF’ (bitch fit- white chicks) last week but I’m back on board! Literally everything was going wrong last week; my business, then my house, Brooke’s got reflux so she’s been really difficult and every time I tried to fix/solve a problem, about 4 were smacking me back! I have been down a lot but can you blame me?! This without a doubt has been the toughest time of my life. It’s enough of a challenge with a newborn, sleep deprived, hormones and all that without everything else going on! I can’t even have a bath/shower in my own house! It’s been really hard…

So firstly il talk about Brooke- she’s not been right herself the past week: really grouchy, screaming, hiccups and then she started to refuse milk and being sick, so then it was time to go to the doctors where they have said she’s got reflux!! It’s karma for giving it to me for 38+ weeks! 😂😂 Aww bless her, I can fully sympathise with her! She’s got to have the lovely gaviscon in with her milk now, it’s only been 2 days but she seems loads better! She’s also got colic so she has been hard work because she’s not been sleeping properly on the day/night and like I said, she’s been refusing feeds so she’s a bit all over! I’ve kept her bedtime routine going though so she has some normality still- it’s also been hard moving her about here, there and everywhere whilst we clean ourselves! MARE! 

Now I’m going to talk about me. Not only mentally have I had a strain but I have physically too! I’ve already had my first period last week and that was horrible! I’m so self conscious about my body/ face, (I am still writing about my post partum body journey, so I won’t talk about this bit really) and thanks to hormones, I’m still suffering with some pregnancy symptoms,,,.tonsil stones. Devastated! I had a huge one lodged in so I had to get it out as it was causing pain! Still the grimmest thing ever. I’ve also had bad swelling in my feet and hands again too! Still can’t wear my engagement ring and ai can’t go and get our wedding bands yet because of it! I’ve got some water retention tablets to take to help get rid of it! I’ve also been getting physio on my neck because it’s buggered but the guy cracked my back and that’s also hurting! Doesn’t help when I’m slouching to feed Brooke! I still can’t train at the gym properly- all I’m allowed to do is walk but as usual, the weathers crap!! 

So with everything….can I fix a problem. No. Can I change anything. No. So should I stress out and try? No. I’ve finally realised who I am! I am a control freak. I like things done a certain way and if it’s not then I freak out. I’ve also realised that I am a perfectionist. I don’t like it when my life’s in tatters because I want a perfect life! Stupid. Normally I don’t share my problems because I feel weak showing others my vulnerability but I’ve realised that when you are at a low point, it’s best to be an open book. Talking about a problem, helps to realise that it’s not all bad! I’m looking positively. It might be destined that Mark gets a new job. We were lucky I couldn’t bath or have Brooke in with me as we could have gone through the floor. I’m going to get a brand new bathroom, carpet, walls and I can choose everything and get some control back- 🤪 just kidding hahahahaha but I can do my favourite hobby which is interior design! I might even look at becoming an estate agent in the future because I’m so obsessed with homes lol! I don’t know what my life is anymore so I’m just going with it and trying to not stress and worry so much as my most important thing is Brooke. 

At least you can get a glimpse of the bathroom!

Introduction to Motherhood…

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Where to start! First things first I’m utterly and completely in love with Brooke it’s insane! Literally, I’ve never felt this way about anything in my life! The way she looks at me with her massive blue eyes, when I feed her and sing to her and she grabs my finger and looks at me, the little noises she makes, the wind ‘smiles’, (seriously, I can’t wait until we get real smiles as these fake ones melt me!) her snoring, her smell- especially after a bath! Honestly if they could bottle a newborn baby smell mixed with Johnson’s baby bath, it would beat  Mademoiselle for me!! I love her little pout…..she’s just perfect and I’ve never been so in love. It’s a hard job- I’m not going to lie! I’ve had a couple of melt downs and I’ve been exhausted and I’ve needed some me time- I feel fine but I’m desperate to get back to the gym and I’m frustrated I still can’t bath yet so I feel grim and I look grim despite everyone telling me otherwise! 😂😂 It weird to imagine her not being here with us now!

I think the hardest things of becoming a mother are;

  • Tiredness- 100% the hardest! Probably more so for me as most new mums will get a proper maternity leave which means they can rest properly…I don’t! Plus the new neighbour next door has been placed so more noise. Wooo! So this ‘sleep when baby sleeps’ is utter bullshit to me! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a bedtime routine from day 1 so she usually does sleep well- she just wakes for her feed every 3/4 hours but we’ve had a few nights of colic and constipation so that’s been tough at times! I’ve been sleeping on the sofa in the week whilst Marks been working so he can rest but when I get too knackered from staying awake and watching the Inbetweeners after I’ve fed her because I’m then awake, I have to get him to swap with me! So there’s a tip if your a mum to be- even when you don’t feel tired, subliminally you are! Don’t do anything but try and sleep otherwise it’s worse! So when it comes to the weekend, I’m in bed bitcheessss and Mark will take her down when she starts! Hats off to you single mums out there- I think I’d struggle if I was on my own, I’d have to move in with my mum even though she’d get on my tits haha!
  • Hormones. Yes- they are fucking horrendous. I feel extremely sensitive at the moment! Anyone so much as raises a voice to me and I cry like a bitch! I’m extremely self conscious of myself at the moment too- I know I’ve just had a baby, but I can’t help it! As the weeks are plodding on, (can you believe she’ll be 5 weeks on Monday!!!!) I am slowly getting back to ‘normal’ but very hard when your tired! Still, when my mum takes her for a bit so we can sleep- I just cry. For them first few split seconds, I actually want to die! I feel nothing when she’s not here!! Takes me a good half an hour to pull myself together- crazy! I’m getting a bit better at that now too as I know that if I don’t look after myself, I can’t look after her to the best of my ability- which takes me to….
  • Time. Sounds funny really but you really feel like you have zero time to yourself anymore! When your not feeding/cuddling/winding the baby, your sterilising bottles ahead for your next feed and before you know it, your back to feeding!! Brooke’s times her feeds bloody perfectly- the second I go to make my tea or I sit down to eat it, she starts! So I’m barely eating and when I do, 9/10 it’s cold! I still can’t bath yet, (a week on Monday, not like I’m counting or anything….🤪) so I’m sure when I do, I can have my me time then and proper relax! Me and Mark get our time together again when my mum has her- he just has to bare with the tears at first haha! We’ve got a night away together next week though so I can’t wait! And it has a jacuzzi bath! 😍😍

All this as well as the stages of recovery when your in pain….it’s hard, but I wouldn’t change anything in the world about my life now! I don’t overall actually care about the above points mentioned because I’d do anything for her! There have been times where I’ve sat up all night with her, I love singing to her- I’m going to make sure she likes decent music haha!! I also know this phase won’t last forever also, she will one day sleep through, so I’m just winging it to be honest! It might sound bad but I can’t wait until she’s like 4/5 months old! That’s my favourite age but at the same point, I’m enjoying every bit of her like this! Like I said above- we have been having a bit of a colic stage so we’ve been on the Infacol and the gripe water haha but nothing really works that great to be honest! We even tried the comfort milk for colic and constipation but all that did was bung her up more and make her shit green haha and sometimes, she’ll cry for nothing because she’s a baby! My mum tries to find a fault, ‘oh she looks in pain’, she’s not believe me, it’s usually because she’s greedy and wants more milk or she wants a cuddle lol, ‘oh she has spots on her face, looks like a rash’, no Mum they are milk spots…hahaha honestly even I’m not like that over her! Maybe I should be I don’t know haha! Health visitors are happy with her and everything we’re doing- so that’s fine by me! I’ve booked on a postnatal yoga class and I can take madam with me! That should be fun- imagine if she cries the whole time! 😂😂 But it’s so I can work on myself and getting back in shape! I’ve also been looking at swimming sessions for her in November as she is a lot better in the bath now but she’s still not a water baby, (ironic when her name is Brooke) but with us going to Florida in January- I want her to get used to the pool! I still need to get her passport sorted! I have a feeling it’s all just going to be mad and manic until January and until the wedding but then we should finally get a bit of normality back! 

Road to recovery continued…

Day 8

Ouch. Second time going to the toilet for a poo and oh my gosh….absolute flamin’ agony!!!!!! Really painful!! My bits are sorer than ever because of where the stitches are! All I can do is get in the shower and wee myself in there so the water helps with the stinging! Really good advice if your in the same boat or this happens to you. I’d heard about keeping pads in the fridge but it personally didn’t work for me! It’s a shame as now my boobs aren’t hurting and all my swelling has gone- this is the only problem to deal with now. The worst part was later on in the day, I’d gone for another poo and it was worse! I thought that it didn’t seem right and then I remembered I had a haemorrhoid before labour so I had a check and oh yes!! That’s why it was hurting so much!! I just used good old metanium and managed to get a doctors appointment as hell no way on earth was I going to suffer with them bastard things whilst already in pain! Weight is falling off without even doing anything- all I’ve been doing is eating my healthy meal preps but I’ve noticed (in my mind) bad stretch marks on my tummy from where I’ve lost the weight so rapidly. I’m not overly bothered- those marks show the best thing in the world happened to me- my Brookie!! I’m using bio oil and hopefully when I can get back training, they won’t look as bad! 

Day 9

So went to the doctors and she checked me over- got some cream for my haemorrhoids and she said how good my stitches were looking and how neat they looked and whoever did it has done a good job lol!! I mentioned about the stingy bit and said how painful it was and she said it could be like that for a while but it’s looking better and healing well. I still can’t bear to look! 😔 She was more concerned about reading how much blood is lost and yet I don’t feel like I’m anaemic! I feel more lethargic at times but I’m putting that to getting up every morning at 5am with little miss! I just feel sore from that fucking stingy bit lol! Like I said too, I just want a bath as it feels better whilst I’m in and after a shower but hey ho! 🙄 

Day 10 & Day 11

Well apart from some painful poo’s due to haemorrhoids and being a tad sore below obviously, I actually don’t feel too bad! I’m now not taking any tablets apart from my iron ones and ibuprofen as I personally feel like I don’t need anything else! Apart from having visitors and running errands, nothing much going on so no point me waffling on! 

Day 12

So Brooke’s little photoshoot today! This was eventful lol! Firstly I’d been up at 5am with her and had a bit of diarrhoea so I was worried that I’d have it all day. Luckily not! Me and my mum took her to her shoot as to be honest, I thought Mark would end up getting bored whereas my mum would love it! So firstly, I couldn’t work out how to get the car seat to attach to the pram- stupid travel system! Honestly, why the fuck are these contraptions so difficult!!! Anyway, we got told not to bring a pram as the studio was up two flights of stairs so I just thought I’d take the car seat as I could carry her up the stairs in that and she wouldn’t be in it long! I just couldn’t get it on as not really had a good play around with the pram  so I just ended up lugging her about in the car seat which was fine. Secondly- the shoot was going brilliantly and she was really good through it but she did start winding up for a bottle. I’d asked my mum to grab one and throw it in the changing bag to which she did but we’re using Mam bottles and she didn’t put in the rubber thing out of the bottom which means the milk just pisses out! Lucky we were in the town centre so I sent her to boots to just grab a starter pack! 😂😂 Brooke had that and was fine again so we continued with her shoot but when the photographer went to get a photo of her feet, she asked me to hold her bum up which ended up with her pissing on me! 😂😂😂 Honestly! What s pissing morning lol! When the shoot finished, me and my mum grabbed a bite to eat and got back. Me and mark then popped to his mum and dads where we weren’t going to be long but turns out we were and I hadn’t grabbed her changing bag like a dumbass- but again, j didn’t anticipate a long stay…Brooke got really cranky as she had really bad trapped wind and then was hungry! I was the one trying to calm her and I was getting stressed because I didn’t grab her bag! Baby brain is unreal because I really do feel like a potato and even though I look after kids, having a newborn is totally new to me! I’m not used to having to be mega organised and going out is no longer ‘right I’m ready let’s go’, it’s getting a bag, having everything in it for every case scenario, car seat….nightmare basically!! 😂😂 I’m being easy on myself though, it’s not even been 2 weeks and I’m smashing my recovery when they said it would take 8-12 weeks! I’ll get used to it soon lol! 

Day 13

Hormonal mess. I don’t know what the hell is up with me today! Firstly after yesterday where Brooke was cranky, she’d woke up at 4am instead of 5am and she just wasn’t settling! She’s in pain with all her trapped wind bless her! So I took her downstairs, gave her a bottle and we had a cuddle and chill- I even cried singing to her again! It’s like certain songs have deeper meanings to them thanks to the lyrics and then for some reason I was thinking in my head ‘I’m actually scared to die one day because I never want to not to be there for her’. Fuck sake honestly! I’ve never been bothered about dying, unfortunately it’s life! I don’t even know why the thought entered my mind lol! So eventually she did settle and I stopped being a mard arse lol so I went to lie down on the sofa when I farted and shat myself. Fabulous. So I left her in her Moses basket whilst I Usain Bolted’ it to the bathroom and yeah- absolute mess we shall say. Then I vomited so after cleaning it all up and sorted myself out, by the time I came back down, it happened again!!!!! So repeat of what just happened then Brooke woke up again and was awake until 11:30am in which time, I had to get ready because we were going to my mums for a barbecue and she could show Brooke off to people who hadn’t met her! Anyway, later on in the evening when we’d got home, I was sore from just sitting up all day and all I wanted to do was lie down and chill. I’d barely eaten all day because my stomach felt off all day and I was tired…I started sterilising all her bottles and just burst into tears! I came in the living room to get something and Mark was sat with Brooke wondering what the hell was wrong with me! I sat down and he went to put Brooke in the Moses basket to comfort me but I told him to just leave me and give me a minute. He looked at me all concerned whilst I slouched in Baymax, (pregnancy pillow, which by the way, is much better for after birth! Great support whilst feeding the baby!) and asked me what was wrong to which I replied, ‘I don’t know!’ So we both started laughing! I think it was the fact I was tired, sore and felt unwell! Honestly! I’ve been really worried about getting post natal as I have and still suffer occasionally with spouts of mental health issues. I NEVER use it as an excuse for anything, I just plod on and when it’s really bad, I tend to shut myself away for a day and then I pull myself together but I don’t want to have all this shit now I have her! I’m determined to not get depressed and spoil this time with her. I’ve gone through enough crap this year without enjoying her! End of.

Day 14

So today we had the health visitor and she was really lovely! Turns out she’s also pregnant with her first baby haha so she was giving me baby advice whilst I was talking to her about labour as she’s terrified! See, even the professionals get nervous about child birth! I asked her about Brooke’s wind- it’s honestly not that bad but she is suffering at times but she’s eating and pooing fine- she just mentioned about infacol so I’ve ordered her some and we’ve booked on a class to learn baby massage as that can really help! I like the thought of doing that anyway as me and Mark love a good pamper so if we can pamper her then even better- plus if we can help her not be in pain then that’s a bonus! We then headed off to Costco to stock up ready for Mark to start back at work tomorrow- god it took us so long to get round as everyone was coming over to admire her haha!! Mark felt like an extremely proud dad whilst I’m trying to not forget what I’m getting due to baby brain Hahahaha!! 

So quick update now as I’m not going to write everyday of my life when I actually feel 100% my old self now lol! I’d say I’d bore you but the amount of other things that have happened…Let’s just say my life is far from boring lol! But yes, I’m not sore anymore, my boobs have stopped leaking, I still get extremely hormonal at times- I’m extremely sensitive at the moment and feeling stressed- not with baby but just in general people mithering me and asking me to do stuff for them when my head is just not in it! People commenting on what I should and shouldn’t do with her…..but I’m too focused on Brooke which is exactly what I should be! Fuck everyone quite frankly as what does anyone do for me apart from cause me stress! I also get tired at times obviously and I’m trying to rest as and when I can- hard when you can hear loads of kids running around the house! Some parents aren’t also getting used to the fact I’m not working, I’m getting messages left, right and centre because they are seeing me sat in the living room in the morning, appearing fine but it’s hard as it is obviously my home AND workplace. It’s a tough balance! And hats fucking off to you single mums out there as I couldn’t imagine doing this on my own! But to all you fellow mums out there- we are all winging it and we got this! 💪🏻 My body seems to be getting back to normal too- I’ll be doing a postpartum blog post about my body at some point! The only thing I will say is my ribs still hurt, especially the side that Brooke’s foot was in haha!! I genuinely think it’s cracked or fractured but no point in any commotion over it as nothing anyone can do to fix it lol! I’ve also had a letter through to get my wisdom tooth out now too so il end up being back in bastard hospital soon!! Honestly, after this year I want a fucking year hospital free!! I mean a year stress free also would be awesome but don’t think that will ever happen until the day I drop down dead.

Road to recovery

The first week to recovery has been the toughest, however, it hasn’t been as bad as what I thought if I’m honest! I thought I’d do a day to day write up of how it’s been for me…

Day 1

The hours after labour in hospital when the epidural wore off was the most painful. My bits, (vagina- I just hate the word lol) honestly hasn’t hurt, however, there is a part of my perineum, (the bit after your bits, going to your bum) that I tore that is absolute fucking agony!! Whenever I wee, I can just feel it absolutely stinging and then it burns!!! It’s hard to sit down and to stand up but once I’m actually up/down, it’s ok! The first wee was awful- but not as bad as I thought it would be!!I think the worst part is that you can’t wipe, you can only dab and I hadn’t looked down there, I don’t intend on doing either, but it feels like- I can imagine one of Leatherface’s mask! I feel and think it looks big, swollen, red, bloody and sewn up!!! I was dying to shower so I did and another grim bit- you can’t use soap! So I personally think it absolutely stinks but the Midwife’s checking said it didn’t at all and it was normal! She obviously checked my stitches before I went home and she said how black it was and how sore it must be! 🤢 Tell you what, I wouldn’t do that job in a million years!! Thank god lots of brave ladies do lol! Imagine looking at bits all day and poking about in them lol! Anyway, as soon as the drugs started to work, (when I eventually got them 🤪) and honestly like I said, holding your baby…You forget about the pain and even if you do feel it, you just somehow don’t care at all! The cannula however was pissing me off as it was still in my right hand and lifting Brooke out of the cot was difficult- even feeding her and I struggled sitting up for a long period of time because my feet were dangling off the side of the bed and I could feel my feet swelling really badly. 

Day 2

Ok so this is the day I came home. So firstly I told the midwife to get the cannula out of my hand because I’d sat up with Brooke all night winding her due to her choking on her mucus,  I had to use that hand so it was incredibly swollen and going purple! As soon as they got that out, it felt swollen and sore but sooo much better! I felt numb in places but I literally didn’t care or say anything- I just wanted to come home! When we did, I was in agony that night and my hormones were bloody everywhere- I couldn’t stop crying! I thought I was getting post natal depression already and I’d only been in the door 5 minutes!!! That was hard- I don’t really know what I was expecting?! All this time suffering, I just ‘assumed’ that I’d be fine, just soooore!! You hear people saying, ‘Oh you just feel your old self as soon as babies out!’ You fucking don’t. Whoever says this is a big, fat bullshitter. Like I said, you kind of get through the pain as painkillers mask it and cuddles with your baby just helps but no way do I feel ‘myself’. I had hallucinations like I said but think that was through sheer exhaustion and tablets lol! I’m on Paracetamol, Ibuprofen, Dihydrocodeine, (that’s the one I hate taking as I feel so fucking wired off it and I can’t hold Brooke properly when I take it as it makes me drowsy and delirious) Ferrous Fumarate which is iron for my blood loss and Lactulose to help keep my poo soft when I do eventually go to toilet! Not going to lie, the thought of that absolutely puts the fear of god in me!!!! I’m swollen everywhere too, especially my hands and feet- it’s awful! I also had a shower and washed my hair as I felt like crap but I went into shock after it- my whole body just wouldn’t stop shaking and I was really shivering- just like I did in labour, so I had to scream Mark to come and help me! Oh and Dora also hates me and Brooke, she won’t come anywhere near us but Diego! Omg he’s gone so loving and cuddly- he hasn’t left her side!!! I’m so shocked! 

Day 3

The midwife came over for our first visit and she was lovely! She thought Brooke had a bit of jaundice and wanted to do a blood test to check she was ok as explained if not- we’d have to go back into the hospital. As she did it, Brooke again, didn’t flinch! We got the results at 17:17pm and she was in middle bracket for having it- if it reached the higher then I’d have to go back into hospital for a night with her so they could put her under the light BUT because she had seen her feed, poo and wee whilst she was here, she was happy for us to continue what we were doing at home without going in!! Wahoo! As far as myself, I actually felt fine so we actually nipped out to get some bits- I’d bought a Chicco next to me cot as Brooke didn’t do too well in the Moses basket- I think because she couldn’t see us in it and it’s quite deep so I can’t hold her hand, she just wouldn’t settle properly. So we went to get that, nipped into boots to get some more maternity pads (buy loads lol) and bobbed into Tesco to get some healthy snacks along with my meal prep that I ordered and have been eating whilst I recover, and came home! My ankles flipping ballooned right up!! Even walking up the stairs, I could feel water swishing around in them!! Awful! I’ve kept them elevated, Marks been massaging them to push it all around, even my mum did, and I’ve been using cold compresses on them! I also felt a bit sore- probably after the walking about so I then decided I’d chill and relax! That cot is fantastic as well and Brooke was so much more settled!!!! Highly recommend it!! Dora actually looks sad and it’s heartbreaking! She really wants me but she’s just so jealous so I’ve been trying to leave her by stroke her when she comes to me but she actually bit me! I was devastated as she’s never bit me. That set me off in tears! Bloody hormones. 😩

Day 4

Worst day. I woke up and felt as though I’d done a full body work out in the gym. My boobs felt like bricks which were agony!!! The swelling was worse, I was obviously sore down there and I just felt a bit down! It’s weird as I’m really euphoric at the moment but then I just feel a bit sad- almost like having bipolar. I was holding Brooke just singing to her whilst stroking her face and I cried for no reason!! Bloody hormones again! I think it’s just the amount of pain I’m in to be honest. Even holding her hurts because of my boobs! I kept snapping at Mark too but I think it was just sheer jealousy because he felt his normal self and could just hold her without being in all this pain. I felt so bad for him too for having a pop at him lol so I bought him a pair of Jordan’s! 😂 I’d also gone into shock again, felt really cold and flu like and I passed a couple of pound coin sized clots which freaked me out but unless they are like a golf ball size, they are better out than in as I checked with my midwife. I knew going out yesterday after 3 days lol, I’d overdone it but I’m not one to sit around moping and to be honest, I thought getting out and about would somehow sort me out! All I was dying to do was have a bath due to being achy but I have to wait 6 weeks. Devastated. 

Day 5

I woke up and felt pretty much ‘normal!’ Apart from the usual swelling, my boobs were killing and sore BUT, I didn’t feel as mongy as what I have been doing and I didn’t feel like my brain was potato! I still have no concept of time or days! It’s genuinely like being on holiday where your just chilling out by the pool with no idea what’s going on! It’s amazing actually! I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this in my life whilst at home!! Especially as I hate my house now lol! Good thing is, all noisy neighbours have fucked off so we will have a new neighbour now after the council have fixed up the house and the other noisy ones have pissed off for the six weeks half term! Hopefully we don’t have a dickhead moving in! Wahooo, that would be all we need lol!! I actually managed to get a bit of vodka in me tonight too! I passed another clot but it was only small compared to the day before!! I honestly think if my swelling of my hands and feet calmed down and my boobs didn’t hurt, I’d be ok! Well minus the occasional hormonal spurts lol! 

Day 6

Woke up at 5:36am to swap turns with Mark on feeding Brooke and noticed her little belly button tag had fallen off!! I was buzzing as I was dying to give her a little bath! We’d obviously been wiping her down but it’s not the same as a proper little bath! I love the smell of babies after a bath! 😍 My swelling in my hands and feet has started to go down and I can’t believe how skinny my feet look lol!!! I’ve been so used to seeing them look like elephant feet that I forgot how skinny they normally are!! My hands are a lot better and not as  swollen too and my boobs aren’t as sore….however….When we bathed Brooke, she screamed the whole time haha and I’d just got the shower myself so I only had a towel on and when Mark was getting Brooke dry and dressed, I started to sort myself out when milk started leaking from both nipples and was dripping all down my belly! Me and Mark were pissing ourselves laughing as it was like my boobs were crying with her! I grabbed some breast pads and asked him to help put my bra on so I wouldn’t just be stood there with milk dripping out of me! 😂😂 Oh so worth it after that though as I was just cuddling Brooke for ages and she smelt amazing! 😍😍 I definitely think newborn baby smell beats the smell of petrol now for me! Midwife came for the second time and discharged us today as Brooke is absolutely fine and she seems happy with how I am! So far so good lol! 

Day 7

I actually can’t believe it’s already been a week! It’s mental! I literally feel like it was yesterday!!! Managed to go to the toilet today for a poo- I was terrified but actually, it really wasn’t that bad!!! It’s just worse in your mind! I also booked to get my nails done as I had them done about 2 weeks before I gave birth and they’d gone ridiculously long!!!! It wasn’t at my house though which meant leaving Brooke with Mark for a couple of hours! I put her in her car seat and started crying!!!! I haven’t left her side since having her and I’ve mainly been holding her!! I felt really stupid for crying as I’m going to have to go out and do stuff without her eventually lol but I couldn’t stop!! Once I was out, I was fine and I knew she was as she was with Mark! It is funny though how much you change! Like I said, I didn’t want children and my pregnancy was a shock but I couldn’t imagine her not being here!!! People try and make me feel bad because I say things like this but I’m an honest, open book. I don’t bullshit people and my daughter will know that I love her with every inch of me and she’s made my life complete! I can’t help my initial reaction and no I didn’t plan her but genuinely- I thought I couldn’t love anything more than Mark, but that’s gone right out of the window! I’ve never felt like this in my whole life!! I just don’t give a shit about anything apart from her at the moment! Not myself, not other people- nothing at all even comes close! We’ve even been sleeping great and taking it in turns- Mark will feed her about 2/3am and il sort her out about 5/6am but every little noise she makes, BOOM I’m awake, asking Mark if she’s ok and if he wants to swap with me! 😂😂 I’m really not bothered if I had to sit up with her all night every night, as I’m just in awe of her and I could stare at her all the time! Infact, I’ve even tried watching telly this week- everytime I’ve put something on, it just ends up being background noise! Honestly I’ve never been so happy and content! 

She’s coming home!!

So after labour and after Mark’s story of events, (which by the way, we realised we left off the fact she had the cord wrapped around her neck!) all I remember is waking up sitting in a wheelchair on a drip in the delivery suite. Next thing I knew is my mum, her husband, my nana, grandad and everyone trying to ring me! I had no idea what had just happened, I just saw Mark holding Brooke and me feeling mongy haha!! Then literally I don’t remember a lot, I just remember being put on the ward and had family visiting then I could feel the epidural wearing off and I was just in absolute agony. It was just the worst pain I’d ever been in in my life. I had to get up for a wee which I was dreading but it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be! It was where I had torn near my bum that was excruciating. I felt really lethargic and absolutely shit but having hold of Brooke just massively helped!! I don’t know- just everytime I’ve got hold of her, I don’t care about the pain! Not going to lie though, aftercare of the birth, is crap. I had no one check on me, no pain relief given for about 6 hours, no food as I’d missed meal time on the ward so I just got given a crappy sandwich and a yoghurt with no spoon! 😂😂 Eventually when a midwife did come to see me, I lost my shit and I told her how pissed off I was as I thought I was being allowed home, (we were told that before taking us to that ward) yet no one had been in to monitor me or the baby and I’d been begging for pain relief- my mum even grabbed a doctor and I cried to him but I  still hadn’t been given any. I did apologise to her and said it wasn’t her fault but come on! Turns out she was the main midwife in charge so flipping out at her did work as she went off and got a trainee to sit with me who went through the entire menu for me to order what I wanted to eat the whole time I was there,  whilst she went to bollock a few people and came back to do all the tests on me and Brooke! She was really lovely and made sure we were fine and she gave me some morphine but sadly explained I wasn’t going home until Tuesday because of my blood loss- they wanted to keep me monitored closely. I was gutted. I just wanted to be in my own bed.

Before I knew it, it was approaching 10pm which is when Mark had to leave! I’ve never wanted him so much in all my life! Just found it extremely daunting being left on my own with Brooke- not because I’m scared of being on my own with a baby- but because I was on so many tablets at this point, I’d felt wired. I hadn’t slept since Saturday night due to me obviously being in hospital all of Sunday then going into labour so I was exhausted…I was scared I wouldn’t be able to care for Brooke to the best of my ability! He didn’t want to leave either but what can you do! We had a little emotional goodbye and I got him to pass Brooke to me so I could hold her. I started to feel tired around midnight so I gave her a bottle and then placed her in the cot next to me. The thing I did like about that was the cot was see through so we could look at each other. It also wasn’t too deep so it meant I could hold her hand. We were both knackered but all the other babies were screaming and my bastard bed was right next to the bin so all night we were getting disturbed by people binning shit, (which was making her jump lol) but then we’d have a chill and a baby would go off which would then set the others off!! She didn’t cry once. Even when she was given a vitamin k injection after delivery, she didn’t flinch! Hard as nails my baby lol! Anyway….we were both wide awake but we must of dozed off and had about 20 minutes sleep when I heard what sounded like her choking! I opened my eyes and just saw her arms and legs waving frantically and her gagging! I fucking shit myself! I was straight out of my bed and grabbed her out of the cot and started to wind her and she just projectile vomited everywhere non stop- it was coming out of her nose and everything! I took her out in the corridor and asked a midwife if she was ok and she said she was fine- it was just mucus- apparently forcep delivered babies and c section babies have it worse, something to do with the shortness of coming through the birth canal, I said I was terrified incase she choked on it and she said it wouldn’t happen so to put her back down and try and rest….I felt really uneasy about it but thought, ok! Went back to my bed and went to put her in the cot when immediately she did it again! I thought fuck this- I can’t leave her in a cot when she’s doing that!!! I know I was probably just being silly but no one told me about the mucus and honestly, I’m not a jumpy person normally but that, hands down, is the scariest thing I’d ever witnessed. I was in tears, I was texting Mark at 03:40am saying how tired I was and how much it was just the worst night of my life. He was messaging me back which was calming me down and making me feel better which gave me a kick up the arse to get through the night as best as I could. I gave Brooke a bottle and winded her, then I needed a wee so I just buzzed for someone as there was no way I could leave her- even if it was for a second!! The midwife came in and laughed at me for staying awake and said I could have left her alone to go for a wee so I just told her to stay with her as I didn’t give a shit about whether I’m a fruit loop or not, that was what I wanted so she waited for me- I went as fast as I could. Funny as when I got back to my bed, the midwife looked concerned and said about Brooke having bad trapped wind and then mucus started to come out! She offered to take her for a bit so I could rest which I thought was nice but I didn’t want her out of my sight! She came back about 5am to see how we were and was laughing at how well I’d done to stay awake! Pissed me off though as I heard other women tutting at their babies crying and one just snored all the way through their baby crying!! I couldn’t understand how anyone could do that! One even buzzed the midwife at 6am and said, ‘Why it cry all night?!’ IT!!! How could you call your own newborn an IT!! Here’s me sat up all night because I was terrified mine would choke! So I only had 35 minutes sleep in 3 days…

Anyway, Brooke got her payback as she did her first poo and she screamed the ward down hahaha! Karma!! First time she’s ever cried too!! Soon enough, Mark was back first thing and he felt so sorry for us both as we were both knackered. I ended up gabbing to the girl next to me who I didn’t know, had also sat up all night too! We could have joined forces lol! So when Mark got to me, he was trying to make me go down to sleep but all the lights were back on and babies were crying then people were coming round to do checks- then at 11am, they said the doctors were coming round and we’d definitely be going home!!! I was so giddy! My mum came and dropped some more milk off for us and I had some lunch then I did manage to have 30 mins sleep!!! I went for a shower and started to pack my stuff and then a doctor came round- he said I was fine to go so they just had the newborn checks on baby to do and then if she was ok, we could go!! Music to my ears haha!! I got Brooke dressed ready to go home in her amazing Baker baby outfit which buried her,  and the Bounty photographer was meant to come round- left us out though!! That pissed me off lol but I wasn’t overly arsed because I’ve got her booked in for a couple of newborn shoots!! I’ve also got her booked in for a hand and foot casting…Anyway I’m waffling now! We managed to get seen at 18:00pm for her newborn check and I’m not going to lie, when they were pushing on her, especially near her bits, she was really crying and I had to fight back from crying myself!! I also felt like punching the nurse pushing on her lol! Seriously though, her crying like that broke my fucking heart. We got given the all clear and the midwife went and sorted her little red book out and we were good to go! They got me a wheelchair so we got Brooke in her car seat and put it on top of my lap whilst mark was pushing me to the car- no way I could walk that far! Once in the car, it felt weird leaving the hospital as we’d been there so many times for appointments! On the journey home, Mark was driving so carefully which is not like him 😂😂 however, every lump and bump on the road was pure torture on my bits haha but every second was getting us closer to home…..

I was a wreck when we got in. I think it was a mixture of all the drugs I was on, the fact I’d not slept properly in 3 days but also: the realisation it was all over!! The moment I’ve been hoping for and anticipating for 38+ weeks! Mark told me to go to bed whilst he sorted Brooke out and made me some tea. He came up with me to make sure I was ok and gave me a kiss on the head and as he walked out the room, I broke my heart!! I didn’t want to be on my own and I hadn’t been parted from Brooke! I did end up drifting off for an hour then woke up hallucinating so I was screaming Mark but realised what I saw, wasn’t even there by the time he came in! He calmed me down and brought me downstairs, passed me my tea and we both ended up having a cry because it is the realisation I’ve done it!!! The thing I feared most in life- child birth and after such a shit, hard time during pregnancy, she’s here- absolutely perfect! We’re soooooo happy it’s not insane!